A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

SleepingStandingUp

"But I cannot throw my daughter under the bus by giving her the impression men are trustworthy
And what will you teach your sons?"

That because so many men have been untrustworthy for so many women my son cannot automatically expect women or girls to trust him. That rather than simply worrying about this from his perspective he should try and put himself in their shoes.

I believe lots of men are trustworthy, and women too, but until I know who to trust I will keep my own borders and boundaries and he should do this too.

The key point there Italian is some. Some. Not all. This whole no man ever rubbish is telling our sons that men are bad and they are bad and thry should try and contain that they are inherently bad.

Have no issue with what you say you'd say to him but that's different to what some in here seem to be advocating

Italian. Cantankerous and some others are saying no man not one ever should be left alone with any pre pubescent child, even their own. Ever.
and that women are all ok and any abuse by women is the fault of the victim because they must have done something to put that abuser against them.

Can’t you see the difference?

Tbf Ftf I don't think anyone on here has said abuse by women is the victims fault

sleeping "I can't imagine anyone who grows up thinknig they're inherently bad because of their genitalia can possibly grow up to a healthy, mentally well adult"

I think you have extrapolated from comments, no one hasvsaod all people with a certain biological sex ate bad.

Many posters do not think this.

Perhaps see it as women (or men) not automatically trusting people does not mean these people are not trustworthy but it means we do not put ourselves in potentially risky situations.

If we do not do this for ourselves why would we do it for our kids?

I think you have extrapolated from comments, no one hasvsaod all people with a certain biological sex ate bad

Yes they have. No man can be trusted. Ever. What is that if not inherently bad?

Fwiw I agree with your personal assertions. As mother to a son he has got to learn different to the "he does x because he likes me", "I'll just keep asking till she says yes" and worse and he also has to know how to protect himself from situations where as the male he will be perceived as having the power even if he doesn't. It isn't enough that thry do no harm, they also need to be seen to be actively doing no harm. A girl groping him between the legs without invitation would be taken less seriously that him groping a girl at the same age for example. So boys have to be more than just good. I just think the whole no man can be trusted ever agenda pushes our innocent boys into a place where they can't possible not lose.

"Have no issue with what you say you'd say to him but that's different to what some in here seem to be advocating"

This thread is not all about one person's opinion.

No but my point about teaching boys they're untrustworthy because no man can be trusted isn't just one person's opinion on here I just directly quoted one as I'm toolazy to scroll.

This thread is actually about OP feeling she needs to be in a relationship and preferring to put up with an abusive partner than contemplate being single. I've shared my opinion on that.

ftfoawygtfosm
"Italian. Cantankerous and some others are saying no man not one ever should be left alone with any pre pubescent child, even their own."

She has clearly said biological fathers are less of a risk and that she does leave her husband with the kids.

I'm not necessarily agreeing with all she says but after her experiences I do blame her one bit. Nor would I blame you for not trusting anyone. I don-t think anyone has said females do not commit crimes and if they have I would disagree with them.

I think you would be completely right to be cautious after your experiences. I do not think anyone is blaming you. That would be crazy. Honestly your experiences have been terrible and all I feel is sympathy and anger on your behalf.

sleeping not trusting someone dors not mean they are bad! I do not trust at least 99% of the people I know to bath or care for my son. It doesn't mean I think they are bad. Just why risk it!

Which is fine when we're talking random ears and situations they don't need to be in. But I cannot get my head around not trusting your own kids, except obviously for Camel that is massively clouded by her own horrific experiences.
My sister has one of each, I can't comprehend the damage it would have done him to know he wasn't allowed alone with his little sister in case he absurd her!!

I just think there's a line of reasonableness (and traumatic experience separate because obviously I'm not so ignorant to think it isn't relevant) and there are people on here with no relevant trauma in their lives who seem to think ANY male is a threat.

Anyway, it truly is 🔁 now so people are welcome to raise their kids how they see fit. If your 14 Yr old daughter tells my 14 son he can't come over without her mum being there then all good by me 😁 if she tells him he can't come over without mum there because he might rape her then I will advise him it's better for them both to keep their distance from each other

She said no prepubescent child should be left alone with any man ever.

I think I’ve RTFT but I’ve lost the plot a bit with it! Some of the comments are incredibly sad.

If it’s not already been asked what plans are in place in the event that Camel or any others who agree with her dies? Would she prefer her DC go to a relative (presumably without a husband/partner), or into care than stay with their DF?

But I cannot get my head around not trusting your own kids

In fairness I do think this is the appalling situation a few people find themselves in if something goes very wrong. I do think it's a good idea to be aware of all possibilities.

But you don't bloody well start out by not trusting them! That's a really good way to muck someone up for a very long time.

ftfoawygtfosm

'She said no prepubescent child should be left alone with any man ever.' I can't remember her exact words but if that is what believes who I to wurstion hee on how she cares for her kids. I do need to agree or disagree.

This thread is way too personal. It's her take on things. If I were in her shoes my take would be the same, I think.

to be fair, if you read the thread now, the worst of her comments have been deleted.

Well I feel like a shit parent! Not only do I have a boyfriend and he’s met dd. I send her to her dads eow where he has her alone and he sometimes lets his brother babysit. And today because she’s ill and can’t go to nursery (where one of the staff members is male) I left her with my father, again alone for the day.

My social worker mum doesn’t seem too concerned about my dd’s safety though, despite the things she sees and hears daily.

@CandiedPeach
And what makes you so sure any of them males you are leaving you dd with have not or are not abusing your dd?
Because your mum's a social worker?

my DD and her two mates are staying with DS this weekend. I better report myself.

No of course not Sunflower. I go on the fact my dd shows absolutely no signs of being abused in any way. My dad never abused me, despite being a sahm dad so he’d have had plenty of oppurtunity. I have no way or reason to stop contact with her dad so that’s out of my hands, again so is who he chooses to leave her with.
My bf hasn’t had dd alone, but he’s been around her.

Have you ever left your child with anyone? If so how did you know they didn’t/weren’t abusing your child?

Dds is also regularly left with my grandparents, my mum and ex’s mum! Should I presume they’re all abusing her too? Plus one of my friends has babysat a few times and dd goes to nursery.

@CandiedPeach
Well there you go, you don't know if any of those men you are leaving you dd with are not abusing her. Not all children show signs. You are more likely to be abused by grandfather etc rather than your own father. Just because he didn't abuse you that doesn't guarantee her won't abuse his granddaughter same with all the other men you leave her with.
Oh and I don't have any dc.

You are also at risk of being abused by women.

My dd will go to her fathers this weekend, encounter an uncle and several other family members. I am not worried, nor am I up in arms over what others have said to the contrary, on this thread.

I cannot get defensive over the beliefs and standpoint of someone that formed those due to a heinous betrayal of trust, and horrific abuse. My heart aches over what I have read on this thread.

I’ll take my precautions based on my general due diligence and knowledge. I don’t date, and if I did, nobody would be meeting dd. I can’t understand anyone who needs to combine their private life with their family life without a proper amount of time devoted to knowing the other person, and then ensuring that their children are ready and absolutely comfortable for such change to their lives.

I feel that by having children we do sacrifice ourselves on many levels, finding ourselves romantically alone and having to put children first because of it, is another of those sacrifices. It’s one I have chosen to make. I put dd first.

So my only option is to never leave dd with anyone ever? @Sunflowerseed90. So give up work, stop her seeing her father, homeschool when she’s old enough, don’t let her take part in any hobbies/groups unless I can supervise her 100% of the time, don’t let her go to friends houses or play out on the street when she’s older. Oh and hope and I pray I never get ill and need a hospital stay, because I couldn’t leave dd with anyone.

Of course the above in itself could be considered abusive behaviour from me.

Wow peach, a lot of people look after your child!