"And the vicious dismissal of other mothers' experiences and strategies for looking after their kids ... I can only assume that some of the posters here have very little going on in their lives, and turn on other women to get their fix of drama." Is that aimed at me? Because I criticised (rightly imo) that you introduced your new man so soon to your children?
If so not a case of "turning" on another woman, but wishing to hopefully get people inc yourself to consider that this really isn't a suitable course of action. Not just because of abuse (although that's one worry- and not just sexual abuse) but because you cannot know so early on if the relationship is likely to work out and putting children in the position of getting attached to someone who is then later ripped from their lives is imo irresponsible. It can affect how they feel about mum's future relationships which can cause difficulties. And can affect how they manage their own future relationships. And I'm FAR from being the only person that thinks that. On many threads where mners ask/discuss new partners coming in to their and particularly their children's lives a lot of mners inc me feel that it needs to be handled cautiously and that 6 months of being in the relationship MINIMUM before children are even introduced to the new person is a pretty good idea.
I strongly disagree there was any hint of viscousness in what I said.
Cantankerous - as I said I'm also a survivor of childhood abuse (emotional, physical and sexual) and I too am DEEPLY sorry that happened to you, it shouldn't happen to anyone, and I DO understand the urge to go to extremes to stop it happening to our own DC BUT I agree that too is unhealthy. I have had times where I've really struggled to let dd stay at a friends etc and I certainly wouldn't let her stay with anyone I didn't know VERY well, but we have to try and give them a NORMAL childhood that isn't overly coloured by our own experiences.
And I agree it can be just as worrisome re single fathers getting new partners who could be abusive. In a weird way I was VERY lucky there. Exs ow was also (prior to discovery of course) my friend too and knew dd well. She has always treated dd very well, and I am lucky to have no concerns there (though thanks to twat of ex dd hasn't seen them for several years).
But certainly had we split for another reason or he'd cheated with someone I didn't know I would definitely have worried about that not least because ex always thought I worried too much about this type of thing he was imo too FAR the other way eg suggesting a male colleague neither I nor dd had ever met babysit our then 18 month old! There was a similar situation arose when he and ow/2nd wife were at babysitting stage and he suggested similar again, and to the best of mine and his knowledge she has never been abused and so when she said don't be ridiculous he couldn't use that as an excuse then as he had tried with me.
Welshmaiden - if you are a professional in this field surely you ALSO know that what's becoming more recognised/accepted is that abusers are known to CLAIM to have been abused themselves as a way to get sympathy/lesser sentences? Experts in the field are now cautioning against automatically believing such claims.
Can I also say to all those saying "get counselling" it may help a little but I personally have found it hasn't made a huge deal of difference and I've been having therapy on and off for over 10 years.
"I have a friend who brings every new man home to her house with 4 kids within a date or two and she gets through some relationships! I think that is taking unnecessary risk." Wow! Have you not said anything to her? It's not just risky re abuse, it's not healthy emotionally for them. And yes I'm just as critical of men that do this.
"I dated my OH for a year before he met my kids, we slowly let them get to know him and now they have a fantastic loving step dad, who has added so much to their lives." Perfectly sensibly course of action which doesn't impact on someone's ability to date. Yet some posters seem to think this isn't possible. Of course it's possible, it just requires a sensible outlook and behaviour informed by self control.
I have friends and relatives who have fantastic step-dads, in some cases a damn site better than the bio dads! There is one who was very physically abusive and that has seriously, permanently damaged the relationship between mother and DC. Mother knew and was also being abused, the DC understand to a point that she was scared to leave (he was a police officer too so there was the very real threat of not being believed, of his having resources to find her/them if they did leave - he'd done that with his ex which unfortunately my friends' mum didn't learn until too late. No Clare's law then. He was very good at playing street Angel/house devil, pillar of the community etc). Mother in that case had also (I suspect manipulated by him) moved him in very quickly after meeting. Awful situation.
"This is why courts place children with mothers. It is far less RISK" simply not true. Until quite recently historically children were actually considered the property of the father and that was seen as the best place for them to be as a father was more likely to be working and earning and therefore able to financially support a child/ren. Indeed it was legally the case until 1839 when a very wealthy, educated woman challenged the existing law, and even then the mother could not have been adulterous or would not get custody. And of course a legal change doesn't necessarily instigate wide cultural change. So it only started to be the case the mother was more likely to get custody in the late 19th and 20th centuries. And certainly not because of perceived risk of abuse from the father but because women became better off financially and also due to notions of maternal care etc
"Most people who work with kids have to be checked and all that malarkey" knew this would come up. All that really means for definite is that at the time they were background checked they had no cautions or convictions. And we all know how easy it is to report, let alone get these creeps (I mean paedos not teachers etc) convicted 🤔
Brett kavanaugh would pass a background check, Ian Huntley DID Pass a background check. My abuser would STILL pass a background check. So would my friends abusive step dad. Thomas Hamilton (dunblane shooter) was blacklisted by the scout association but opened his own boys club and would have passed a background check - he'd been repeatedly investigated by police who were unable to find any evidence with which to even caution him, let alone convict him of anything - ie even if he was around now he'd pass a background check! Jeremy Forrest (the maths teacher who ran away with 15 year old student), passed background check. I believe Vanessa George passed a background check too.
Normal to feel someone who has been background check is probably less of a risk but I worry some people assume they are of no risk at all.
Greenlantern - in your position I would have fought like hell for my child NOT to have contact with your ex's new woman until I had met them, and would consider such behaviour by a man JUST as irresponsible as if a woman did this.
"I dont know any kids that have been abused." Sorry, but I have to say I think it's extremely unlikely you don't know anyone who has been abused as a child unless you have a very small family and few friends. I have 155 friends on Facebook, I am not friends on Facebook with anyone I don't know reasonably well in real life and that's not even everyone I know as several older relatives don't do facebook. Out of those I've told 14 that I was abused. It's not something you go about telling people. I think (my maths isn't great) that's less than 1% of the people I know, that know this about me.
Rixera - so sorry for what you went through. I was 'lucky' it never reached that point for me. Though I think partly so my dad could kid himself it wasn't 'really' abuse. He's never apologised, but he has tried to shift the blame (for all the abuse) - to booze. And I can relate to what you say about wanting to love them despite the abuse.
"Funnily enough, he was never into my sister." Not unusual. In addition to the usual preferences we all have in what we find attractive, eg do we prefer blondes or brunettes, muscular or slim etc, abusers also assess and even test whether a potential victim is likely to resist, to tell, to be obviously different after the abuse. It was a line of script in a tv show but I suspect it's true - abusers are the worlds best profilers.
"but worrying about it between siblings is surely going OTT." Why? There are many documented cases of this happening. There's a few pps on this thread that were abused by siblings. "but there is a naivety in many people about this that irks me" yes, me too.
FF how on earth is it victim blaming to say parents should take reasonable precautions to protect their children? That's their job! And the victim is the child not the other parent! There's at least 2 examples on this thread that imo are of mothers who have acted irresponsibly in introducing new boyfriends to their DC FAR too soon, that IS their responsibility. Not just in terms of preventing abuse, but in protecting their DC from the potential emotional harm of having grown close to another adult only for them to then no longer be in their lives.
I'm frequently shocked at the lax attitude of many mners when it comes to when they introduce new partners to their DC and when they move in with them.