A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

It’s absurd to suggest that men are always reported and women never are. In actual fact it’s probable that MORE men get away with it.

Why?

Because more men are sexually deviant. Therefore more men are doing these things, more men are accused, more men are not accused, more men are charged.

Yes it is less but it’s still a risk. So I take the same precautions regardless of gender.
The potential result is too great not to. I do think anyone making assumptions purely on gender is naive.

Haven’t rtft, but a comment made by a PP stood out for me. She said she would hope not to be with a man who would find teenage girls attractive

Am I alone in thinking that all men could potentially find teenage girls attractive??
(Excluding gay men obviously

Whilst I agree the views of camel are extreme due to her experiences, I do agree that there needs to be some universal caution when women with teenage girls are dating for reasons above

But any individual woman could be a risk, therefore it is sensible to take the same precautions regardless of the sex of the person.

Camel - newish phone and rushed typing but generally I'm bad for typos full stop!

Honestly I'm astounded by the idea that someone might need to worry their son would sexually abuse their own sister. I get and agree with caution with new partners (though I don't necessarily agree with avoiding men altogether due to the message that sends to both sons and daughters that 'men can't be trusted') but worrying about it between siblings is surely going OTT.

A friend of mine was abused by her older brother. I was shocked when I found out that it was her brother as I"d assumed it was her father.

Anyway, even though cantankerous is having to defend statistics on this thread, I think it's up to mothers who are dating to act how they see fit based on hunches and statistics. As I said earlier when my babysitter outgrew the job she offered her brother in her place and I felt like I was being really awful (inside my own head) when I glossed over her offer with an ummm maybe sometime and then I found another girl babysitter. I felt bad about that and now I feel better because the statistics reassure me that I just minimised the risk.

All things being equal why not minimise the risk.

It beggers belief that a parent attempts to use statistics to protect their child rather than parenting their children properly.

Actually I’m hesitant to leave my teenage DS with my younger teenage DD alone together sometimes. My DS although outwardly normal, has SN. He’s a lovely affectionate lad, but is quite immature, and unaware of boundary issues, together with poor impulse control
I feel I’m cautious about this to protect him as much as to protect my DD

I do think if it wasn’t for his SN, I wouldn’t feel this way though for brothers and sisters
So
It is a bit about your subjective judgment. Every situation is different

Anyway, even though cantankerous is having to defend statistics on this thread,

I am not aware of her being asked to defend statistics just to give a source for them. She told me to do my own research and I didn't find evidence to back up her claims.

Teenage girls are also extremely curious about sex, impulsive and immature.

I get that teenage boys have sex on the brain, I just don't buy that many of them would as a result try it on with their sisters.

Teenage girls also have sex on the brain.

merville
Given you consider the risk of man's basic inclination so strong, surely none of us should live with our partners and male children should be shipped off to their father at what, 12? 10? 8? Because you have to sleep some time

In not sure which post of mine you're referencing Sleeping, but I'm not referring to an inclination to sexually abuse among all males, I'm referring to the percentage of males who are sexual abusers, rapists etc. The percentage of men who will abuse/fierce act post pubescent females appears frightening high (esp taking into account lack of prosecutions), the percentage of men who will abuse for pubescent females is evidently a lo t lower but sti 'll disturbingly high (and a lot never comes to light). There is clearly percentage of the male population who are capable of this and yes, identifying the m, when they'll obviously do everything they possibly can not to be identified, is something that disturb s me a lot. In my case i got to know my husband for a long long time before having a child and I don't believe he falls under t hat percentage (tho of course i'm not infallible) so I leave him alone with her, tho it's not 100% without discomfort. I don't think they should be sent off to camp Sparta but I do believe they should be supervised (e.g. Older brothers) an s girls protected from risk as far as possible.

Fierce was supposed to be coerce

I suppose knowing a family in which an older brother abused his sister has made me more aware of it, but there is a naivety in many people about this that irks me, it's in the real n of 'that can never happen\that never Helen's for them, but it does. You have to sleep sometime but there's no harm in being extremely aware of whats going on, being vigilent, not leaving female children alone with males for baby sitting etc. Obviously your relationship with them is extremely important too - honesty, support, belief etc

Btw not mention ing boys being abused is not because I don't think it happens or i don't care, obviously it does: it's just the o p was particularly about girls.

But if my daughter is abused by a man, why is it my fault? Why is it not squarely the fault of the abuser?

That seems a bit victim blaming to me.

Man or woman actually.

It's not that I think it never happens but I think it is not common ... and I think there is a danger in the narrative that all men are potential sexual abusers. Should a girl really never trust her dad or brother just because he is male? What message is this giving boys - that they can't control themselves? That they are intrinsically bad? Take sensible precautions by all means but that's a dangerous narrative.