A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

I wish fervently that women would quit "trusting their instincts", especially those who have been brought up in abusive families.

Do your homework, read up on what is known about child abuse rather than what a friend says.did you know, doe example, that paedophiles target children with long wispy blonde hair? Ask any child abuse investigator.

And be super cautious of any man who positions himself to be specifically with children - coaches, scout leaders, children's entertainers. The honourable ones will be understanding, the defensive ones must be avoided.

Your kids get one shot at growing up safely and I am continue so-called by how quickly so many women foist their new men into their children.

Single mothers are very much a target for paedophiles so very wise to be on alert.

And to whoever said this was depressing, it's a lot better than facing the devastation of having your child abused.

you let your son/s know the concerns
Actually it's much more this. My son / DH / nephew etc don't need unsupervised access to your child. If they're the nurse who needs to treat her you can refuse treatment. Male paediatric nurses are used to assumptions about their intentions.
If they're a teacher at the school you can choose to go elsewhere. I don't care.

But I don't see how you can think you're kkds won't know how you feel if you're actually serious about protecting the wrodl from them. Or is it just pour daughter you're protecting them from and you won't care when it's their kids, patients, students etc?

Oh wel, I’ll cut DDs hair Immediately. That’ll make her safe.

Ffs.

Are you going to tell your son there are professions he can’t do because he has a penis?

Are you going to tell your son there are professions he can’t do because he has a penis?

What do you mean?

Well, any profession or acrtivity where he might potentially be alone with a pre pubescent child is out, obviously.

And he can’t have children if his own either because he can’t be alone with them.

Well, any profession or acrtivity where he might potentially be alone with a pre pubescent child is out, obviously.

And he can’t have children if his own either because he can’t be alone with them.

That literally makes no sense. Are you confusing Camel’s opinion with what men are allowed to do?

I imagine male doctors etc have a reasonable understanding of why some patients will prefer a female.

Given all the safeguarding training they do

Frankly...and while I don't like to victim blame - there are just too many women out there who are vulnerable, who seem desperate to be in a relationship (any relationship). Unfortunately abusers and users can sniff this out from a mile away.

Early on red flags seem to go unseen or covered up. People put thier own needs above that of thier children. Men so this all the time so it seems totally unfair that it's the women who are left to be the protectors of our children.

I date lots. No-one has met my children. I've been with guys for over a year and they still haven't met my children.

I've seen (work) way too many children suffer (not only from the abuse but just seeing or having a string of men in thier mothers lives).

how quickly so many women foist their new men into their children

Don't disagree with that at all.

be super cautious of any man who positions himself to be specifically with children - coaches, scout leaders, children's entertainers

See, this is the bit I struggle with. Should we have to be super cautious with any man who wants to be involved with things that are good for children's growth? Because if so, you have to add teachers into that list. Most people who work with kids have to be checked and all that malarkey so I would ensure anyone I left a child with had the necessary approvals - but I think that's normal and not super cautious. But, isn't it the case that the vast majority of those 98% (taking that figure as gospel) are done by family rather than outsiders rather than the teachers, sports coaches, children's entertainers?

The thing for me is - and which no one on this thread at least, and nor from any search I've done - is the actual PREVALENCE of sexual predators. We've got that 98% figure being banded around with no verification. But as I said earlier, what if the actual number of males who abused children was 6%. Of course, still unacceptable. But if it was the case that the figure was that or even lower, to just go around assuming every man wasn't trusted is totally and utterly imbalanced and that could result in serious emotional issues in families.

you let your son/s know the concerns
Actually it's much more this. My son / DH / nephew etc don't need unsupervised access to your child. If they're the nurse who needs to treat your daughter you can refuse treatment. Male paediatric nurses are used to assumptions about their intentions ie pedophiles. And their sexuality Incidentally.
If the men I know are teacher at the school your daughter goes to you can choose to go elsewhere. I don't care.

But I don't see how you can think your kids won't know how you feel if you're actually serious about protecting the world from them. Surely they need to know they're likely abusers?

Or is it just your daughter you're protecting them from and you won't care when it's their kids, patients, students etc? Do you not want them to know so they're never alone with their own kids?

Are you going to tell your son there are professions he can’t do because he has a penis?
What do you mean?
Presumably nurse, nursery teacher, anything where they might be alone with a child, have access to a child, be involved in intimate care of a child

But if it was the case that the figure was that or even lower, to just go around assuming every man wasn't trusted is totally and utterly imbalanced and that could result in serious emotional issues in families.

We have to assume they might be unsafe, though. Because whether it’s 98%, or 6%, the unsafe men unfortunately don’t have it stamped on their forehead.

Doctors, teachers etc are rarely if ever alone with children. I imagine male teachers are strongly advised not to be

I would rather assume they’re unsafe than risk my children’s well being.

This should not be an extreme opinion

I've been a single mum for 4 years and only dated for about 3 months of those. Single at the moment. Worked in child protection previously so know the facts. I think you just have to be careful, watch out for red flags such as wanting to meet your kids early, wanting to rush things/move in fast, trust your instincts, take it slow and make sure you have open conversation with your kids. It's one thing introducing a guy to your kids but another to leave him alone with them. I would hope I wouldn't be attracted to the kind of guy who would find teenage girls attractive but I guess you never know, so you have to be cautious. But at the same time, what message are you sending to your kids if you stay single because 'men can't be trusted'?

This should not be an extreme opinion

It’s not. Parents make this risk assessment every day. It’s just the saying it out loud that makes people extremely defensive.

shatners

Fair comment.

I guess that teachers etc are police checked, supervised and not alone with children as in 1:1? But yes, schools are magnets for weirdos.

Wow thos threaf is depressing!!
I am a single mum to 4 and i never expected to meet anyone and be happy then? only date when my children are adults? i will be almost 50 at that point. Ive been single for 3 years whilst my ex met and moved in with a woman 2 weeks after we broke up! but im expected to never meet anyone?

Oh and im off out tonight and my nephew will be watching my kids, one who is a girl

ftfw

Great! Glad you are learning from this thread. Or she could tie it up. Or you could apply sensible decisions to her care?

GreenLantern

Why do you feel so criticised? Is it because perhaps that you prioritise your happiness over your children's well-being?

And you're very silly to leave your nephew to babysit, you could barely choose a more high risk scenario.

But as I already explained, it's you who has to live with the consequences, not the rest of the world.

ftfoawygtfosm

"My girls were subjected to an attempted abduction. By a woman. Who was of a particular minority group." I am so sorry to hear that.

In fairness to Camel she has not called your son or your partner or anyone else (or her own) any specific names etc. She has shared her experiences and knowledge here, you are extrapolating that she thinks things from this, she has not expressed the things you think she has.

Total strangers on the street, and even colleagues, could all be rapists or pedophiles. It doesn't mean I think they are, or call them that or anything but it does mean I automatically don't allow them access to my home etc or my kids. They don't know and it doesn't hurt them. If I take my kids into work they meet my colleagues etc and that's fine. But I am there.

marcopront your question wasn't to me but here is something to read...

fullfact.org/crime/bad-and-dangerous-know-do-men-commit-almost-all-crime/

@Italian I think the other issue was the fact that while Camel's vehemence was understandable due to those personal circumstances, she herself doesn't practice what she preaches. She said children should never been left alone with men, that when her sons are older they won't be left alone with her daughter, yet we know that she allowed her husband, who she says she doesn't trust 100%, to watch the children on their own without her being present. So, which is it? Why is her husband less likely to abuse the children than her sons? If you have such a view, and express it so vehemently, you can't then be surprised if you're pulled up for acting contrary to your own view.

"They aren't widely available as I have said a few times."

they are. Guess what i googled?

'98% of sexual crime is committed by men'

Google it.