A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

all those mothers allowing their daughters to have long blonde hair. Especially if it’s wispy. I wonder do they know the extra risk they are putting their chidkren at.

*children

my nephew baby sitting his cousins is a high risk situation?! 😂😂😂

Doctors, teachers etc are rarely if ever alone with children. I imagine male teachers are strongly advised not to be
And yet they are or could quite easily be. Look at all the teenage abuse / "affairs" over the last few years!!

I would rather assume they’re unsafe than risk my children’s well being. This should not be an extreme opinion
Raising your sons to know they're potential threats to their little sister and actually any girl they're alone with IS damaging to their wellbeing. And if you don't make them aware given you think they are then surely conversely that's damaging too because you're not protecting them from themselves.

*They aren't widely available as I have said a few times."

they are. Guess what i googled?

'98% of sexual crime is committed by men'

Google it.*

This is not what was stated it was about 98% of child sex abuse being committed by men.

im so glad i dont know anyone IRL with such extreme views. all the single mothers ive know including my own mother have gone on to have other relationships. I dont know any kids that have been abused.

brookshelley "It's starting to look like bullying someone vulnerable." It is indeed, although I think Camel is wise enough not to take these comments to heart.

LimboLuna I am so sorry to hear what happened to you.

SleepingStandingUp I think she thinks he might get her pregnant. Consequentially so, if you see what I mean.

Which, of course, he could! I think it hugely unlikely but why would I argue with her, her house, her son, her choice. Her boy is a lovely boy and she is not suggesting anything negative about him.

"I certainly don't look at my 19 yo nephew and assume he'd rape someone if he had the opportunity" neither do I, but by the same token Id not ask my nephews to babysit for me. Not because I fear abuse but because I am not sure they would know how to look after kids (mine are younger than my sisters kids).

Plus I think you are confusing the possible with the likely.

So, to some extent is my friend, I don't think it likely her son would get my dd pregnant but it is possible, IFSWIM.

"Never trust men. Just never" does not mean all men will attack children, it means don't put men in positions where they could. She has been clear about her own experiences. If you had had such experiences do you think you could ever trust men again? I doubt I could. It still doesn't mean all men are not worth of trust, it means we just do not know.

ftfoawygtfosm "What are you going to do camel when your kids get a male teacher?" My son had a male teacher, he was fabulous. My son really liked him. Guess what, to the best of my knowledge he was never alone with my son, did not have access to him in our home, did not babysit him or bath him etc etc.

Nowadays, thankfully, most teacher would not be alone with single pupils and would not be put in positions where there whole career could be ruined over a mistake or whatever. A teacher is not like a step father.

Sadly it is true that paedophile men are drawn to jobs where they have access to children (and parents).
Just recently a lot of stuff came out about abuse in youth football clubs.
However, I would not stop ds from playing his sports as it's something he loves that gives him immense benefits. What I would do is not take unessecary risks. So, if I can't drive him to a match for whatever reason, I wouldn't ask his coach first, I would ask another mum because that would be my preference. You can be alert and watchful without putting extreme restrictions on children.
And "no men ever" IS extreme.
No man can be a SAHD or look after a child when they are ill while mum goes to work?
That's nuts. There's a big difference between being wary and careful with new men in your life and keeping your children from being alone with men at all costs.

ShatnersWig

"I think the other issue was the fact that while Camel's vehemence was understandable due to those personal circumstances, she herself doesn't practice what she preaches."

I am not sure you are really making a good case for that. There was a reference to anther thread and a situation which we really do not know any details about.

"She said children should never been left alone with men, that when her sons are older they won't be left alone with her daughter, yet we know that she allowed her husband, who she says she doesn't trust 100%, to watch the children on their own without her being present."

She has consistently said that birth fathers are less likely to abuse children. She has said she loves her husband too much to trust her instincts. I read that to mean she does trust and love him and allow him access to her own children but due to her own horrendous experiences of being with males she should have been able to trust, she cannot allow herself to fully trust him.

Want to know a secret? I've never been hurt or abused but I have read enough to be very, very untrusting of people in general and males in particular. Yet I am happily married, have lovely and great friends. Not completely trusting people is perfectly possible. It doesn't mean you don't care and love people, it means you evaluate things and do not take risks where you do not need to.

"Why is her husband less likely to abuse the children than her sons?"

I am not sure that it is more likely but it may well be.

www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/11/06/sibling-sexual-assault-is-epidemic-no-wonder-lena-dunham-caused-an-uproar/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.9ff82b011494

I am not going to trawl through pages to find statistics. I would simply say that the Camel has direct experience of this and to not allow this to inform her own behaviour would definitely appear to be denial, so she is not denying what has happened to her and of course it informs her own parenting.

'98% of sexual crime is committed by men'
Thats still 2% by women, and actually if you go by a lot of comments on this thread it would be a damn sight easier for a predatory woman to act.

Admittedly I know my views are skewed by personal experience but i think the percentage is higher for women, it just goes under reported as the physical aspect of the act causes less external intervention. But i do appreciate that my experience will be skewing that view.

I take (what i consider) reasonable steps to protect my children (of both sexes) against any adult (and child) regardless of anyones gender. I think anyone who only protects against males is frankly, naive. Most organisations (scouts, schools, hospitals) do safeguard regardless of genders.

But i realise this is off topic, it just frustrates me on any thread like this.

"allow him access to their own children"

SleepingStandingUp I meant sex with consent not Consequentially!

marcopront My apologies, that is the statistic I found.

Must go out, will exit the thread now. Had hoped for discussion n the Cinderella effect but it's actually all gone a different way, probably the expected way.

@Italian We know from the OP's own words that she left her husband alone with a baby and two children in a tent at a festival. The husband then left the two children asleep alone in a tent at a festival surrounded by lots of potential predators.

What happened to Camel was awful and I suspect had she said that right from the start, we'd have understood her reasoning but it's still somewhat extreme and I think incredibly sad that her two boys won't be allowed to spend time with their sister on their own at all as they grow up, and that their mother looks at them and thinks "they might abuse my daughter". Desperately, desperately sad and may impact how they parent themselves and not necessarily in a great way but a rather stand offish way.

"Most organisations (scouts, schools, hospitals) do safeguard regardless of genders."

Which is 100% right. I don't trust unknown females with my kids either.

I'm sorry for all on this thread who have been abused by males or females.

@Italian I don't trust unknown females with my kids either

THAT, to my mind is right. But comments from Camel saying courts give custody of children to mothers because of the risk of sexual abuse by their fathers is and was wrong and indefensible.

ShatnersWig for the record I think it is sad that Camel feels she cannot trust her sons, but based on her experiences I don't blame her at all. I hope she will make sure they all grow up happy and healthy together and it is, I am afraid, a testament to just how damaging child abuse is. So avoiding it, at almost any cost, seems sensible.

I'm not interested in defending Camel, I am just debating the topic in general.

I don't trust unknown males or females but if I were in a situation where I had to trust one or other, all things being equal, I would trust a female in a heartbeat.

Better go to work now. Huge hugs to you all. Stay safe and remember who the real enemies are here, the men, (and sometimes women and children), who hurt children.

@CantankerousCamel

How would you propose ensuring that a biological father doesn't have access to abuse their own child?

Surely that would be impossible?

You can't possibly mean to say that no father should be left alone with their own child, ever?

I don't trust unknown males or females but if I were in a situation where I had to trust one or other, all things being equal, I would trust a female in a heartbeat.

I, however, having been badly abused by females as a child, would definitely lean towards men. Always.

You can't possibly mean to say that no father should be left alone with their own child, ever?.
Well seemingly she does and is perchance he sneaks upstairs with them she creeps up and watches. I only how they never split up as she'd never cope with shared custody

My children are too special for me to entertain any possibility of risk - and for that reason I remain single. I do not trust men!

I look down on my ex's girlfriend and their desperation to create a "family unit"... Basically she was happy to share her daughters very early on with my ex. He is afaik not an abuser (at least not to children!) But fuck yeh... I judge her judgement and find her wanting!

I won't have a relationship till my children are fully grown up. If I end up on my own then so be it.

Camel has been getting it from all angles here but I have to say I mostly agree with her. I would never leave my child alone with non related men, I'm watchful around male relatives and although I leave her with her dad and instinctively believe he's not a sexual abuser, I still experience discomfort about it. I'm afraid sexual abuse is just mostly the preserve of men. When. Women do it, its often the case that a man is involved/in collusion as well.

And no, I've never been sexually abused.

From what I've observed to date in life and from stats available, men are just the more aggressive, violent, criminal,sexually motivated and more likely to sexually abuse (with victims of any age) of the sexes. Sure there are 'good' ones but the chance of them not being so is too prevalent for me to risk it.

A lot of women rush into new relationships and take risks and can't trust their so called instincts.They believe it won't happen because they don't think that way themselves. Men of that type can be extremely skilked, long game manipulators.

If I split with my child's father, I will not have live in relationship with another man until she is grown up and she'll never be alone with him