A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

There’s no point ‘attacking my thinking’ you won’t change it

Again (using that somewhat condescending word you used several times) I have already said I know I am not going to change your thinking but others might come on this thread and think your attitude and approach is normal and rational and sensible. Which it isn't. It's called balance.

Again, I would challenge the thinking of anyone coming here and blatantly saying that as their wife cheated on them, all women are cheating and untrustworthy; that all Muslims are terrorists; that they don't trust black people because three times more black people than white people are arrested etc etc

I’m not defensive for no reason. I have a son who society has assessed is no risk and yet you are continuing to assert that he is. By virtue solely of his genitalia.

He. Isn’t.

And why wouldn’t you just say ‘it’s cool she’s coming with me’
You seem to struggle with the concept of hypothetical scenarios so I won't use them.

Given you know your son is a likely child abuser why would you not tell him? What happens if he's ever inadvertently alone with a minor? You need to educate him to never be in that position incase he can't stop himself. What if he wants to be a SAHD? Why are you not raising them to know what he's likely to be?

Ok. Outing myself.

My girls were subjected to an attempted abduction. By a woman. Who was of a particular minority group.

Does that mean I can demonise all women? Or even all women from that minority group?

Camel, I’m so sorry about what happened to you. So sorry.

But I’m another who thinks your views are too damaging to leave unchallenged.

Single women dating will, in very many cases, be facilitated in dating by the fact that their DCs are with their fathers for at least part of each week. Do you think that DCs shouldn’t be allowed unsupervised access to their own fathers where their parents are separated? What would you do about access if heaven forbid you and your DH split up?

We aren’t talking about 3 times more likely, we are talking about 98% of sexual crimes against children, being committed by men.

Your constant comparison to Muslims and blsxk people is ludicrously racist.

The demographic with the most paedophiles in this country are white and British.

I feel that I was a much wiser, cautious and choosier person when I met my current partner than when I got married to my abusive exH. I did a lot of dating and lots of men didn’t make it anywhere near my home, let alone my children. I dated my OH for a year before he met my kids, we slowly let them get to know him and now they have a fantastic loving step dad, who has added so much to their lives.

Obviously I was aware of the risks with any new partner, and I guess it was always at the back of my mind. That’s probably why I’ve dated men and not seen them again just based on a gut feeling.

My ex had my kids almost 50% of the time.

My current boyfriend is a single dad. His dd doesn’t see her mum regularly. He has been a single dad since his dd was a few months old.

Guess he’s a PEEDO too then.

Unfortunately all men are a risk

That isn't true. And a crass generalisation based on your own life story Camel. I have not had the best track record with regards to men and relationships and on occasions have been known to roll my eyes and subscribe to the "all men are bastards" stance, but I don't actually believe in that for a second.

What happened to you was absolutely awful and I am so sorry you went through it. But you can't project that onto every other relationship you have, or every other male you meet. I have studied psychology and I work with social workers, so I have an insight into some of the truly awful things that happen, possibly more than most on here. Yet I know and trust some wonderful people, men included. As a single parent, I am also aware of the risks. But sweeping generalisations (despite my own experience and professional knowledge) aren't helpful or healthy.

I understand your standpoint because of your experience but I don't agree with it. You are at risk of really hurting yourself and your future relationships, for example with a future DIL who has children with one of your DS's, if you aren't able to at least try to disentangle some of your own projection. But I appreciate your experience makes this hard

I don’t project anything onto other males I meet. I simply protect my own children. Why is that so hard for people to comprehend

There’s someone here who needs MH help and it certainly isn’t the average bloke.

I'm pointing out it anyone who used that statistic as an excuse to make dangerous statements would be challenged. Because it would clearly be racist to suggest that because of that statistic, I would never trust a black person. That would be challenged and MNHQ would rightly remove it. But I'M RACIST.

Sorry, you are becoming worse as the thread goes on, Camel.

Again (!), you say (but haven't provided a link to back your statistic up, just quoted NSPCC but others have searched their site and not found that figure) that 98% of child abuse is committed by men but 98% if men do not commit child sexual abuse.

What if the NSPCC statistic was that while 98% of child sexual abuse was committed by men, the actual percentage of the male population who were abusers was, say, 6%?

My dds were attempted to be abducted by a woman. In my experience 100% of potential abuse is by women.

No woman should ever be around my dds

This is why courts place children with mothers. It is far less RISK

No, I'm sorry, you're talking total bullshit and it can't be allowed to continue and I don't care if you get pissed off with people challenging you and coming out with "are you still typing". Courts do not decide to place children with mothers due to them being less likely to be sexually abused. And you damn well fucking know it.

Statements like this are why I will keep typing. I am genuinely sorry for what you went through but this is getting ridiculous.

I have been searching for statistics to back up your 98% claim and have found nothing.
Please use your superior skills to find me the evidence.

I understand how you feel the way you do Carmel. Based on your experience.

So you're telling me that 25% of primary aged girls are abused by their stepfather?

Again, I’ve never said 98% of men commit sexual abuse. Why do you keep saying that?

I think it’s about 1 in 6 men who have committed violent or sexual crimes. But again, I’m not quoting from google but from actual reports we used in our degree.

The fact that only ‘a few’ men commit crimes against children is not the issue for me, the fact that most crimes against child are committed by men, is. So by removing the possibility of men committing those crimes, you are removing the risk to those children. It’s not about men, it’s about the children. It’s irrelevant if it’s 1/2/6/70% of men committing the crimes to the child who is abused, it just matter that the crime has been committed.

Courts don’t place children with mothers anyway. That’s not what happens.

Violent or sexual. How many sexual? How many violent? How many against children? How many against children when they are resident with the mother?

musti
The most recent NSPCC report announced that 25% of primary school girls have been subjected to a form of sexual abuse, verbal or physical.

I don't think anyone thinks you have said 98% of men commit abuse but you have repeatedly said 98% of abuse is committed by men. When asked for evidence of this you have said we can find it, however we can't. Then you said it is in a document I was given not found on google.
Why can't you share that document with us? If it is from a peer reviewed published journal then I would be very surprised if the abstract at least is not publicly available.

Again, I have never once said you said that. YOU have repeatedly said 98% of child sexual abuse is committed by men. YOU have been asked to provide a link to that statistic. YOU have failed to do so.

I have said that 98% of men do not commit child sexual abuse, but I do say you're attitude is that 98% of men probably would if given the chance.

A lot of women have killed their own children. Dangerous people, mothers. Let's remove all children from their mothers, just in case.

A lot of women have killed other people's children. Dangerous people, women.

I agree, that you need to be careful. I think too many women DO introduce men to their kids far too early (but that's as much to do as emotional issues as safeguarding). But everything MUST be in proportion. Children get injured all the time, but we can't wrap them totally in cotton wool. We assess the likely danger and do what we can.

The most recent NSPCC report announced that 25% of primary school girls have been subjected to a form of sexual abuse, verbal or physical.

Unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable. And yes, you are probably correct that the majority of that will have been done by men. But what would be equally interesting would be the breakdown of WHO those men were. What percentage were by father, step father, uncle, brother, family friend, teacher, doctor, sports club coach etc?