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Original poster

Partner wants a vasectomy

160 replies

Pix18 · 14/10/2018 19:47

Hi all, sure there has been plenty of threads like this before. But here goes... my parter has two children from a previous relationship who are now 11 and 9. We had always said we would have two children, but then after a couple of years together he told me he’d changed his mind and never wanted children. Anyway after almost splitting up because of this, he told me he had just panicked and did in fact want more, and we began TTC immediately. I got pregnant the first month and we now have a 3 month old DS. However he is now saying he wants a vasectomy and has even rang the doctors to book a consultation. I’ve practically begged him not to, as I really want our DC to have a sibling close in age to him and also I don’t feel like I am finished having children after just the one.
I really don’t know what to do, he says he has made up his mind and that he’s never having another baby, but surely this should be a decision we make as a couple, not just that he’s decided that’s it! I honestly feel as though it would break our relationship if he goes ahead with it, but also can’t force him to have another baby if he doesn’t want one.
Would just really appreciate some advice if anyone has any! It’s all I think about and I feel like it’s totally spoiling these precious early days with my baby boy ☹️

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 14/10/2018 19:57

Speaking as a guy (who had a vasectomy after having two DC), surely this isn’t a decision for both of you - just as you wouldn’t expect him to have a veto on your reproductive choices?

I do understand your position, and it sounds like he’s not been particularly fair to you which doesn’t help, but it’s really got to be his choice, not a joint one.

Dodie66 · 14/10/2018 20:03

Look at it the other way round. If you were taking the pill to stop being pregnant as you really didn’t want a baby you would expect him to respect your choice wouldn’t you?
Is it because it’s so final and you hope he would change his mind?

dirtybadger · 14/10/2018 20:04

Unfortunately there isn't a middle ground. He can't stop you having a child or wanting more, and visa versa. If he is sure he doesn't want any more then it's better for him to have a vasectomy to be sure than to risk an accidental pregnancy.

Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 20:06

It’s good to get a male perspective, thanks Changedname. I totally agree and of course ultimately it is his decision. However it does feel a little bit like he has made the decision for us both that we are never having any more as this aside we do have a very happy relationship. Of course an alternative would be for me to leave him if he does go ahead. So I suppose that would be my two options; leave him or never have another baby. Both sound like they would be devastating to me regardless of which I chose to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 20:11

Dodie66 I do think it’s because it’s so final, yes. I am on the pill now which I know is not 100% effective but to just decide without any discussion that he’s getting a vasectomy just feels really unfair. But I do get that it’s his choice. Maybe I am just being really unreasonable, but I feel like we should at least have spoken about this first. But then again I don’t know that either of us would compromise, and like you say, dirtybadger, there is no middle ground. I just feel completely gutted. Hope I don’t sound too selfish, I do feel so lucky to have even had one baby and I am so grateful to have him 😊

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/10/2018 20:14

My decision would be to end it. I never wanted just one child and if my DH had changed his mind... which he's entitled to...I'd move on...find another man and have more children.
It wouldn't have been my choice to have multiple fathers for my children...but that's preferable to just having one for me.

Cawfee · 14/10/2018 20:16

If he goes ahead (as he’s perfectly entitled to do) then maybe it’s a sign that you aren’t compatible and should re-consider the relationship. You have been clear and honest from the start about wanting kids. He’s the one who has changed. You have to be true to yourself. If you want more kids you should probably call time on the relationship and pursue what you want.

Cawfee · 14/10/2018 20:17

Plus just to remind everyone, you dong actually need to have a man to have a baby. You could finish the relationship and have a baby by yourself. I know many women who have done that and don’t regret that choice

SandyY2K · 14/10/2018 20:19

Just to add..this is an issue when you get with a man who already has DC. 3 is enough for him...that's understandable ... and 4 may seem too many for him.

You need to decide if it's a dealbreaker.

Don't present it as a threat or blackmail that you'd walk away... It's just important he knows your stance on it before he does it.

It's better you don't end up resenting him when it's too late to have another child with anybody.

Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 20:32

Thanks everyone. I think you’re right, Sandy, I worried that saying it to him would sound like I was trying to blackmail him. But I do think I would resent him if he goes ahead with it and we don’t have another DC. So I suppose just making it clear that it is a dealbreaker for me and then he can decide from there whether he still wants to do it or not. Thank you everyone for replying. I know there is no answer or solution really but it’s good to hear impartial POV x

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 14/10/2018 22:31

OP - you can also just tell him - that as his his sperm won’t be available - you might have to go to a sperm bank when you decide that you want another baby.
Because - as his vasectomy is his choice - your reproductive function is yours.

You don’t need to break up over this. Just tell him that one day you are having another baby and he can make his choice to stay or go then.

AnotherEmma · 14/10/2018 22:34

“Anyway after almost splitting up because of this, he told me he had just panicked and did in fact want more, and we began TTC immediately.”

How many more? Did you two actually agree on that before starting TTC?

MarthasGinYard · 14/10/2018 22:38

I think if he cancels it will be just to appease you.

He doesn't want more dc he already has 3.

Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 22:41

AnotherEmma, we’d always agreed on two.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 22:44

MMmomDD hahaha I may actually try this one! Brilliant Grin

OP posts:
OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 14/10/2018 22:52

As your baby is only 3 months old, would he be prepared to wait until say, 1 year, and have the conversation again? Get him to use condoms as well as you being on the pill, so both of you 'have control', rather than a permanent and potentially relationship killing solution. If he still feels this strongly at that point, then it might be time to move on. Or accept that he doesn't want any more.

AnotherEmma · 14/10/2018 22:57

“we’d always agreed on two.”

Yes I read that but i also read that he then changed his mind and changed his mind back again, so when he did change his mind back again, did you have a conversation about whether it would still be two?

MarthasGinYard · 14/10/2018 23:01

“we’d always agreed on two.”

He's changed his mind

Two to none

Had one

Wants no more

Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 23:08

AnotherEmma to be honest I don’t remember, maybe I just assumed he had still wanted two and maybe he just didn’t say otherwise. I think I was just so relieved/ excited to begin TTC.

MarthasGinYard I appreciate your input but I was only asking for advice, not someone to retell my original post.

OP posts:
RoboJesus · 14/10/2018 23:08

I would tell him that you are sticking to 2 kids. If he goes ahead with it when the time comes he'll either have to get it reversed or you will find another option. Then just leave it at that.

Racecardriver · 14/10/2018 23:10

So if you really didn't want anymore and the only way you could make sure that would happen was by getting a sterilisation he would have the right to veto that at the risk of you having children you don't want?

Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 23:10

OnceUponATimeInAmerica that’s a really good suggestion, thank you. I feel too hormonal still to think about it haha and I don’t want that to influence my decision.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 14/10/2018 23:13

I think it's relevant and just being slightly over looked.

Only my opinion as DSis was in identical situation.

Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 23:22

Fair enough MarthasGinYard 😊 hope things ended up ok in the end for your DS.

Racecardriver of course not.

Thank you Robojesus, think that’s a good shout.

OP posts:
Shambu · 14/10/2018 23:22

I think you just have to accept he doesn't want any more. Agreeing to two is meaningless as either party has the right to change their mind - if a woman didn't want to go through childbirth again that would be understandable.

He already has 2 and maybe 3 is the max he feels he can cope with - that's fair enough.

It's not really fair to threaten him with ending the relationship to get what you want. Forcing someone into having a kid they don't want for fear of losing their relationship is not on.