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Original poster

Partner wants a vasectomy

160 replies

Pix18 · 14/10/2018 19:47

Hi all, sure there has been plenty of threads like this before. But here goes... my parter has two children from a previous relationship who are now 11 and 9. We had always said we would have two children, but then after a couple of years together he told me he’d changed his mind and never wanted children. Anyway after almost splitting up because of this, he told me he had just panicked and did in fact want more, and we began TTC immediately. I got pregnant the first month and we now have a 3 month old DS. However he is now saying he wants a vasectomy and has even rang the doctors to book a consultation. I’ve practically begged him not to, as I really want our DC to have a sibling close in age to him and also I don’t feel like I am finished having children after just the one.
I really don’t know what to do, he says he has made up his mind and that he’s never having another baby, but surely this should be a decision we make as a couple, not just that he’s decided that’s it! I honestly feel as though it would break our relationship if he goes ahead with it, but also can’t force him to have another baby if he doesn’t want one.
Would just really appreciate some advice if anyone has any! It’s all I think about and I feel like it’s totally spoiling these precious early days with my baby boy ☹️

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 15/10/2018 13:46

Cross post. Mine still stands though. Always an error to assume, especially about something as important as this.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 13:46

Shatner, you talked about a situation in which the 3rd pg was difficult etc, so imo it wouldn't be dishonourable for a woman to change her mind about a 4th.
But you are really comparing apples with oranges. The OP's dp hasn't had 3 pgs, difficult or otherwise.
Also men are in the fortunate position of being able to have children at any age. Women don't have that luxury. So, where a woman with 2 dc meets a man who has none but who really wants them, she absolutely ought to properly consider that before getting involved. If she had no intention of it but strung him along, I would judge her harshly too. But if she ultimately changed her mind due to, say, physical impact of the 3rd pg then that is reasonable and not deceptive or dishonest. And if he cannot live with it, he has more time than her to meet someone else.

The OP wanted her dc to be close in age. Her dp presumably knew this and agreed. If she leaves him, she might not meet someone and have a baby for years. Unless she goes down the sperm donor route, which has it's own issues. Her dp's dishonesty is limiting her own life choices.
It's not so simple for people to say it's not her business because it's not her body.

If it turns out that the dp is under financial strain or something has happened which has caused him doubt, then that is different. But seemingly he just says whatever will get the OP to stay and that is so unfair.

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 13:48

Are you married?

Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 13:52

Thank you beesandfrogs Smile

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 13:53

Her dp's dishonesty is limiting her own life choices

No it's not. Because if her desire for a second child is stronger than staying with him and just having one child, she can leave. She's clearly financially in a position to be able to do that and have another child. It's 100% in HER court whether she stays in the relationship and what her life choices are

The idea that people can't change their minds on what is THE most important decision you can possibly make, is quite frankly ludicrous. We're not talking about what holiday destination to choose next summer but the creation of a life you will be responsible for for at least 18 years. Anyone who just goes blindly into that and assumes that life doesn't throw curveballs or that either partner can change their mind and have every right to do so, is foolish.

AnotherEmma · 15/10/2018 13:57

One idea to consider, OP. If he is absolutely sure that he doesn’t want another and you’re absolutely sure that you do, but you both want to stay together for the sake of your relationship and your child, you could consider staying together and using a sperm donor for your second child. This means that the child would not be his biologically - and you wouldn’t have to put his name on the birth certificate either - so he would not be responsible for the child if you split. He would still have a stepdad type role though, as he would be living with you and the child and would reasonably be expected to support the child and coparent etc.

Personally I think that would be preferable to splitting up, if it would be acceptable to both of you.

It’s still early days though, could you ask him to wait a few months before revisiting the conversation/decision, and maybe get relationship counselling to help you talk it through?

Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 13:58

IWannaSee thank you, that is the point I was (badly) trying to make earlier.

Martha no we’re not married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 14:02

AnotherEmma it is a really interesting idea. I don’t know how or if it could work but I’d be up for looking into this should it come to it.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 14:03

He would still have a stepdad type role though, as he would be living with you and the child and would reasonably be expected to support the child and co-parent etc

So, in other words still do all the same parenting stuff, still paying for everything, just not producing the sperm? Why bother?!

youbrokemytwatometer · 15/10/2018 14:05

I think staying together and using a sperm donor is one of the worst ideas I've ever read on here. What a way to mess up a kid in years to come.

Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 14:08

Youbrokemy to be honest I can’t see how it would work for us, but it is an interesting idea none the less and I’m grateful for hearing people’s opinions and suggestions as that’s what I’d posted for in the first place.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 14:10

Emma, I'm sorry but I think going down the sperm donor route while remaining in yhe relationship would be disastrous for everyone, esp the children.
And of course the OP's life choices are affected. She planned to have a family with her partner and raise them together. Whatever she does now, be it stay and have only one child, or leave and be a single parent, diverges from what she wanted and what was agreed to.

saddnessinseptember · 15/10/2018 14:13

Will the fact he’ll have to pay change his mind? The NHS aren’t doing vasectomies anymore. This may give him and you more time to think about things. 3 months into a child’s life is never a good time for anyone to be making such serious decisions! Xxx

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 14:14

IMO it's a pretty dreadful idea

But then staying with someone who clearly wasn't sure what he wanted 'panicking' then then 'changing their mind' clearly so that they can stay with you, was also not a super one IMO.

Perhaps he wants to spend more time with his 11 and 7 year old and was looking forward to investing in them.

I personally don't think he wanted another dc at all from what you said.

It's happened in my family and caused many years.

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 14:14

@IWanna And how many of us get exactly what we want and dreamed of in life? Very, very few. There are compromises and disappointments all the way. I bet most people plan to marry someone and spend the rest of their lives together, yet statistically we know that at least half of them will be proved wrong. So then they marry someone else. And have a second family with that partner. Hell, I know someone who is 40, married three times, and she's had kids with all three husbands.

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 14:14

'Tears'

saddnessinseptember · 15/10/2018 14:15

Sorry - in some parts of the country NHS do them but the waiting list is long.

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 14:17

'Will the fact he’ll have to pay change his mind? The NHS aren’t doing vasectomies anymore.'

They are here

Waiting is pretty quick too

I was surprised

I really don't think paying would matter a jot if you were really determined.

Op states he's a relatively high earner so several hundred pounds or less compared to the cost of yet another dc being bought up is probably least of his worries.

Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 14:25

Martha - I don’t think it’s the case that he never wanted our DS. It would have been a very impressive performance to have put on throughout TTC, my pregnancy and now that DS is here.
And if anything he now sees more of us DS1 and DD because they dote on their brother and come round more than ever. (I appreciate this could be a novelty thing but ATM the birth of our DS has brought us all closer IMO.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 14:30

That's good

I guess if he's away working 50 percent of the time then they must miss him.

Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 15:03

Yes they do, but luckily he doesn’t go away for longer than a week or two at a time Smile

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 15/10/2018 16:14

If it is naïve to trust your partner when he tells you what he wants, then what is the point of a relationship? Why date someone if you don't trust them from the get go and suspect they will probably try to string you along at some point or another for whatever reason?

I don't understand this at all. Should the OP have mistrusted her partner's intentions even though he said he is interested in having children?

I only think she should have ditched him when it became clear he only wanted children as long as she said she'd stay with him. And now he is changing his mind again. He is one deceitful bastard, but giving him the benefit of the doubt the first time around is no OP's fault.

AnotherEmma · 15/10/2018 17:17

I’m not saying the sperm donor idea is a magic solution. I’m just saying it’s one option. Not necessarily an option that I would go for, maybe not an option that many people would go for. But I have heard of a real life couple who have done it, when one wanted a child and the other didn’t - it was an unusual compromise but one they were both happy with. I don’t think they already had a child together, though, and that would certainly be hard to explain to the second child.

I guess most men would probably prefer to be the bio father if they are going to live with the child and have a parental role, but it depends on his reasons for not wanting another.

I was very surprised when I heard about the real life couple who had done it, but obviously different things work for different people.

dirtybadger · 15/10/2018 17:23

The NHS are definitely still commissioning vasectomies.

I can't understand why anyone would be willing to have their second child as a sperm donor in the situation described. Seems like a very effective way to make a child feel incredibly unwanted!

MistressoftheYoniverse · 15/10/2018 17:25

You need to really speak to your partner about this, some of the 'advice 'on here is mad...

It seems strange that you would break up your family because your partner wont comply with you and has changed his mind ...tbh you have a 3 month old baby and so have time to talk this over with him, your partner has 3 pretty young children so he might feel overwhelmed at the moment.

Honestly speaking you both seem pretty selfish in a way, not everything in a relationship goes according a special organised plan, things happen, people you need to communicate,co-operate and compromise with each other, you are a family and he's not just a sperm donor he is your child's father.

Don't know if anyone has suggested this but you could freeze his sperm perhaps..like a safety net ...he could go ahead with the vasectomy but you could have sperm available if he changes his mind

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