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Original poster

Partner wants a vasectomy

160 replies

Pix18 · 14/10/2018 19:47

Hi all, sure there has been plenty of threads like this before. But here goes... my parter has two children from a previous relationship who are now 11 and 9. We had always said we would have two children, but then after a couple of years together he told me he’d changed his mind and never wanted children. Anyway after almost splitting up because of this, he told me he had just panicked and did in fact want more, and we began TTC immediately. I got pregnant the first month and we now have a 3 month old DS. However he is now saying he wants a vasectomy and has even rang the doctors to book a consultation. I’ve practically begged him not to, as I really want our DC to have a sibling close in age to him and also I don’t feel like I am finished having children after just the one.
I really don’t know what to do, he says he has made up his mind and that he’s never having another baby, but surely this should be a decision we make as a couple, not just that he’s decided that’s it! I honestly feel as though it would break our relationship if he goes ahead with it, but also can’t force him to have another baby if he doesn’t want one.
Would just really appreciate some advice if anyone has any! It’s all I think about and I feel like it’s totally spoiling these precious early days with my baby boy ☹️

OP posts:
Shambu · 14/10/2018 23:22

Not suggesting you would OP, but that's what some posters are implying.

Charmatt · 14/10/2018 23:28

I thought the GP wouldn't refer for a vasectomy unless the partner agreed to it by attending the appointment.

MarthasGinYard · 14/10/2018 23:28

You don't have to attend appointment with DP

Shambu · 14/10/2018 23:31

You don't need consent from a partner - although it's generally held to be a good idea.

youbrokemytwatometer · 14/10/2018 23:33

How could the GP know if he even had a partner? Confused

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 14/10/2018 23:37

Has he given a specific reason behind why he didn’t want anymore children?

Your OP reads to me as if he had a baby just to keep the relationship going and not because he particularly wanted another child.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 14/10/2018 23:38

*doesnt

Charmatt · 14/10/2018 23:42

How could the GP know if he even had a partner?

Because of linked addresses on the computer system.

Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 23:43

Ivegotasecretcanyoukeepit don’t get me wrong, I think if I’d said I didn’t want any children he would have been perfectly fine with that, but he was very excited about us having a baby and was very much wanting to be involved with everything whilst I was pregnant and now DS is here. So I don’t feel as though he was/ is just doing it to keep me happy. Could be wrong though.
I have asked why not and all he says is ‘I just dont’. I’ve no idea why he doesn’t, but I guess he doesn’t need a reason. If he doesn’t want one another, he doesn’t want another 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Pix18 · 14/10/2018 23:52

Shambu, I do wish I could but I honestly don’t know if I could accept not having another baby again. I am only 27 and just feel too young to say never again. I also don’t want my DS growing up without a sibling close in age to him. I just never imagined only having one baby and never wanted that. But again I know people struggle to have just one and I am so grateful I have him! But I’d just like one more and I feel gutted at the thought of never having another.

OP posts:
brighton19 · 15/10/2018 00:11

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. He may have 3 children but your ds has zero siblings that he will share an upbringing with. Look towards the future and your family life is in large part determined by the outcome of this. Had my mother stopped after me, i would have no nieces or nephews, my children would have no cousins and my parents would have a fraction of the gc they do. I'd have no-one of my own generation to share the joys and burdens of family life as a young parent / when caring for aging family members / during any period of difficulty that arose. It's about more than just the immediate reality of another baby and another round of sleepless nights. That's only the beginning.

No it's not idea that he doesn't want more and no you can't force him to change his mind and it's probably unethical to try and persuade him to see things your way (no one would stand for the reverse...) but it's too much to expect you and your son to sacrifice. Make it clear that, barring infertility, you will be having another child with or without his sperm donation. Fortunately that is wholly possible.

brighton19 · 15/10/2018 00:12

*not ideal

sansouci · 15/10/2018 00:26

From my perspective as a single parent, having children is a huge responsibility and going it alone is very tough. I don't understand this attitude of "LTB" if your OH has decided he doesn't want any more DC.

randomwoman123 · 15/10/2018 00:31

Can't he wait a bit before deciding? My DH had something akin to post-natal depression for at least a year after having DS. Perhaps he may feel differently in a year or two or three. Though obviously you've then got to wait and wonder which way it's going to go. Meanwhile you could use condoms as well as the pill so he feels more in control. He may be worried that you'll forget to take the pill, either genuinely or deliberately, and then the decision would be taken out of his hands.

Imadetherightchoice · 15/10/2018 01:22

It's his body and his choice ? Bollocks to that - this should be a negotiated joint decision . They are a partnership !

penisbeakers · 15/10/2018 02:19

It's his body, it's his decision. That's all there is to it.

penisbeakers · 15/10/2018 02:24

lmao

All the folks saying it's a joint decision - imagine if the roles were reversed and the man was trying to make his wife reconsider tubal ligation or just not to have any more children. There would be uproar.

His body, his choice.

KipperTheFrog · 15/10/2018 03:44

There is no compromise with having children, you can't have half a child! It should be a discussion, but ultimately if 1 partner doesn't want a child, the couple doesn't have a child. Or it's the end of the relationship. Unless he's going private, there may be quite a wait for the procedure. Some drs also won't do it unless the man's youngest child is over 1 year old. So it's may not happen right away. he
Do try to discuss it again, but accept that he may well not change his mind. You only have one biological child, but he has 3. That may very well be all he wants.

AlaskaSometimes · 15/10/2018 04:06

Is he a good father to the other 2? Does he have them 50% of the time? If so your son will have older siblings around in the house.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 15/10/2018 07:04

It's his body and his choice ? Bollocks to that

What a cuntish attitude.

AnotherEmma · 15/10/2018 07:08

^ I agree. Can you imagine someone saying that about a woman getting a sterilisation or an abortion?! Confused

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/10/2018 07:14

MN is a funny place, Man doesn't want to have a vasectomy and he is vilified by various posters, Man wants a vasectomy and is vilified by various posters.

Seems that for various posters its only her body, her choice and don't like his body his choice.

ferrier · 15/10/2018 07:17

At the same time, if he initially agreed to two and has now gone back on that, that's cuntish too.

Fwiw, my dp made this unilateral decision too. He pretends now that he thought I was OK with it. I wasn't and it's driven a great big wedge into our relationship which will probably end in divorce.

Doghorsechicken · 15/10/2018 07:25

I think he just had one baby to appease you but it is his body, his choice. Does he feel that he can provide better for just 3 rather than 4? Kids are expensive!

Sisterlove · 15/10/2018 07:30

All the folks saying it's a joint decision - imagine if the roles were reversed and the man was trying to make his wife reconsider tubal ligation or just not to have any more children

If the man wanted more kids. ..he'd be within his entitlement to leave the relationship.

My Ex SIL had a procedure which meant she couldn't have more DC. ...without consulting or discussing it with my brother.

That's one of the reasons she's an Ex. They didn't split immediately, but it bothered him deeply for a while and he felt she disregarded his feelings.