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Original poster

Partner wants a vasectomy

160 replies

Pix18 · 14/10/2018 19:47

Hi all, sure there has been plenty of threads like this before. But here goes... my parter has two children from a previous relationship who are now 11 and 9. We had always said we would have two children, but then after a couple of years together he told me he’d changed his mind and never wanted children. Anyway after almost splitting up because of this, he told me he had just panicked and did in fact want more, and we began TTC immediately. I got pregnant the first month and we now have a 3 month old DS. However he is now saying he wants a vasectomy and has even rang the doctors to book a consultation. I’ve practically begged him not to, as I really want our DC to have a sibling close in age to him and also I don’t feel like I am finished having children after just the one.
I really don’t know what to do, he says he has made up his mind and that he’s never having another baby, but surely this should be a decision we make as a couple, not just that he’s decided that’s it! I honestly feel as though it would break our relationship if he goes ahead with it, but also can’t force him to have another baby if he doesn’t want one.
Would just really appreciate some advice if anyone has any! It’s all I think about and I feel like it’s totally spoiling these precious early days with my baby boy ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 11:57

ShatnersWig I know this probably isn’t what you mean but I didn’t have a complicated pregnancy, birth or recovery. Our baby is actually fairly ‘easy’ too, as in he sleeps lots and on the whole is quite a chilled out baby. The reason I’m saying this is I don’t think it’s our baby together or my pregnancy etc that could have put him off us having a second child together.
Lifebegins he is 34

OP posts:
Shambu · 15/10/2018 11:58

None of us can possibly know that though. Fact is, whether he genuinely wanted 2 or wanted none, he compromised on one. Now OP has to compromise.

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 12:12

@IWanna In which case, you're saying it's OK for one gender to change their mind, and not the other. I don't think that's on.

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 12:13

@Pix I was speaking in general terms, not referring to your actual pregnancy, on the basis that some posters seem to think a woman can change her mind but a man can't.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 15/10/2018 12:20

I wonder how he will feel about balancing access with all three kids, if op leaves.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 12:26

I do thinks it's okay for one sex (women) to change their minds, since it is only women who experience pg and birth. If men undertook the physical risk, I'd say the decision ultimately rested with them. But it doesn't.
Generally speaking, I think it is unfair to deny a partner something that you have for yourself, unless you are very clear from the start. Otherwise people waste years of their lives waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 12:27

'Just to clarify, I am normally against women saying they are on the pill when they are not, but I actually feel here that he has behaved awfully - he has lied and tricked you into staying when you might otherwise have left. So in this particular scenario I don't consider it the rnd of the world if you treat him with the same level of honesty and consideration that he has shown you.'

Awful

I don't believe he was dishonest

He did what he needed to do to stay with you

He now wants a vasectomy

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 12:31

He did what he needed to do to stay with you

Yes - he lied about wanting dc to get you to stay. Sounds dishonest to me.

CaptSkippy · 15/10/2018 12:32

From the OP: "...he never wanted children..."

Those 4 words say it all. The only thing he has changed his mind about is whether or not to be honest about what he wants.

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 12:36

Generally speaking, I think it is unfair to deny a partner something that you have for yourself, unless you are very clear from the start

So, does that mean if he had one child already, rather than two, it would be OK for him to change his mind after the OP had one child, as then she'd not been denied something he had for himself?

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 12:38

'Yes - he lied about wanting dc to get you to stay. Sounds dishonest to me.'

Perhaps Op should have seen through this then and not had a dc with him....

But you are kind of suggesting she's 'forgetful' about contraception

What an ugly attitude

greendale17 · 15/10/2018 12:40

It is his body and nothing to do with you

Gazelda · 15/10/2018 12:41

@harmlesschap I get what you are saying. My suggestion to use condoms while waiting for a year to make a decision was based on the OP having said that she's already taking the pill.

OP, I don't know why, but I assumed he was older than 34. That's quite a young age to have such 3 children, 2 long term relationships and a high powered career. Maybe he's exhausted. Maybe he's overwhelmed, maybe he's spooked and scared?

Whatever his reasons, it's unfair of him to keep telling you he's changed his mind. But it's also unfair of you to pressure him to have another he quite clearly doesn't want.

Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 12:44

Greendale17 I do have to disagree that it’s nothing to do with me...

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 12:57

Harmless Chap

Interesting to read another perspective

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 13:09

I think it's an 'ugly attitude' to put any blame on the OP for doing nothing more than trusting what her partner said to her and for thinking he would honour what he agreed to at the start.

Amateurish · 15/10/2018 13:17

I couldn't get a vasectomy without the written consent of my partner. Worth bearing in mind.

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 13:20

@IWanna But you've already said if the shoe was on the other foot, he would just have to lump it, despite trusting what his partner said to him and thinking she would honour what she agreed to at the start.

So men must be honourable at all times, women get a free pass?

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 13:23

He first became a father at 23 or younger and again at 25

Perhaps after another dc he feels done. Certainly sounds like it ATM.

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 13:27

'he’d changed his mind and never wanted children. Anyway after almost splitting up because of this, he told me he had just panicked and did in fact want more, and we began TTC immediately. I got pregnant the first month'

So was the 'I want two dc' bought up again whilst 'TTC Immediately' or did you just get on with it.

He's perfectly at liberty to change his mind.

I've a feeling you may just come bk and say

'Although we TTC immediately I did tell him it was Two dc I want and if not then I don't want any with him'

Or similar

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 15/10/2018 13:28

Now OP has to compromise
Well no, she has to compromise or move on. If I were 27 and able to earn £50000 a year, I know which I would be doing.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 15/10/2018 13:31

He’s working away half the month, sounds like he gets plenty of rest time away from children. OP already going to be doing the majority of the child related stuff anyway. No one sets out thinking their marriage will fail but so many do, I would think carefully about sticking around another 5 years or so with someone and then starting to look after that for a new partner, with a large age gap between dcs.

Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 13:38

Martha no, we didn’t discuss details. He just said he’d just panicked and of course he wanted more. At no point did I get him to clarify how many more. I assumed it was just back to what we had originally agreed. Maybe I should have, but at the time I didn’t imagine he would actually have meant ‘just one more’ because that was never on the table.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 15/10/2018 13:45

“AnotherEmma to be honest I don’t remember, maybe I just assumed he had still wanted two and maybe he just didn’t say otherwise. I think I was just so relieved/ excited to begin TTC.”

I’m sorry but YABU. Given how important it is to you to have two children, you should have discussed it again before TTC. It very much sounds as if he agreed to a baby because he didn’t want to leave you. Not because he actually wanted two more. He was wrong to string you along but you were naive to think that a man who already has two children and told you he didn’t want any more was definitely going to want two more. Of course people change their minds and have the right to do so but he was clearly ambivalent from the start. Personally I think it’s unwise to have a child in that scenario. In an ideal world you would have ended the relationship and found someone with no children yet who was unreservedly enthusiastic about having two with you.

I also agree with the PP who said that it would be unfair of you to split up with him now because you want another child. If you love him enough to be in a relationship and have a child together, try and focus on what you do have, not want you don’t. As the PP said, I’m sure your child would rather have parents still together than a younger sibling.

You also talk as if your child doesn’t have siblings. They do. Two older siblings. Admittedly they don’t live with you all the time, and there is an age gap, but they may still be close and have good sibling relationships throughout childhood and beyond.

Musti · 15/10/2018 13:46

It seems like he's spent many years being a dad and probably doesn't want the responsibility of another one. I think he had one with you as he knew that was the only way to keep you.

He has 3 kids and has a busy career so I understand why he doesn't want any more. For me, I'd be upset but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Your child has siblings and you love each other and are happy. Only you can make the decision of course, weigh up what is more important to you. Ate you still in your 20s? If so, there's plenty of time if in the future you decide to leave him to have children with someone else.

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