Partner wants a vasectomy

[Pix18]

Hi all, sure there has been plenty of threads like this before. But here goes... my parter has two children from a previous relationship who are now 11 and 9. We had always said we would have two children, but then after a couple of years together he told me he’d changed his mind and never wanted children. Anyway after almost splitting up because of this, he told me he had just panicked and did in fact want more, and we began TTC immediately. I got pregnant the first month and we now have a 3 month old DS. However he is now saying he wants a vasectomy and has even rang the doctors to book a consultation. I’ve practically begged him not to, as I really want our DC to have a sibling close in age to him and also I don’t feel like I am finished having children after just the one.
I really don’t know what to do, he says he has made up his mind and that he’s never having another baby, but surely this should be a decision we make as a couple, not just that he’s decided that’s it! I honestly feel as though it would break our relationship if he goes ahead with it, but also can’t force him to have another baby if he doesn’t want one.
Would just really appreciate some advice if anyone has any! It’s all I think about and I feel like it’s totally spoiling these precious early days with my baby boy ☹️

i earn 50 thousand a year (although less right now as I’m on maternity) and he earns 120 thousand a year
This, plus being unmarried, is not a secure combo for you OP

What do you mean, bees?

I'm pretty sure that the sperm donation aspect of having a child is the least of his worries.

Bringing up four children is a challenge. He has a right to say no.

Threatening him with the possibility of a donor child to get your way is just shitty, I'm sure the OP wouldn't.

Oh FFS I wasn’t suggesting threatening it to get her way 🙄

You're making less money due to having his baby. He works away so you will be the default childcare for your baby, his income grows and yours declines. You split up you have the right to child maintenance but no split of house or assets. It's risky.

But it's still a threat imagine a man saying.oh you won't give me a child?...I'll get another woman pregnant using an egg bank ...wth relationship is this?

And I don't understand being scared of Marriage but having children with someone?? you cannot divorce children..marriage is easy

Where has anyone ever mentioned being scared of marriage? It’s not that we’re scared to be married to each other we just aren’t married, just like plenty of other couples with children.

Man this thread is like a beacon shining on the double standard these boards are full of every day.

"I'm a man, and I have two kids with another woman. I wanted two kids with my current DP. She didn't. I threatened to leave, and she agreed to have children with me. After one child, she said she doesn't want any more. What can I do to convince this woman to have another one of my children, because I want two kids."

?

How many "Oh, that's such a reasonable position" replies do you think we'd get on a thread like that?

How many "Fuck you, you're a man, you don't have any rights over a woman's body" replies do you think would get posted?

Do you think we'd get the suggestion of "You should get another, different woman pregnant"?

I think not.

His body. His decision.

If you hold the opinion of "Her body. Her decision." then anything less than that for men is just rank hypocrisy. It's pretty much the definition of Equality.

OP: There's nothing wrong with only children. Your DC is going to have a couple of siblings already when they grow up, even if there's a bit of an age gap and they're step- rather than blooded siblings. It doesn't mean they can't have a meaningful relationship with your child.

If it's a huge problem, and is going to trash the marriage, then you need to leave him.

If you're going to resent him forever, you need to leave him.

If you believe that your wish to have 2 children is more important than his wish to not have 4 children, you need to leave him.

Otherwise you need to accept it and move on. Because not leaving him and not forgiving him together is going to slowly poison your relationship for the rest of your lives.

Oh FFS I wasn’t suggesting threatening it to get her way

Her way - of having a baby when he doesn't want one. What were you suggesting it for?

Thank you, Sethis

@Pix18

Sorry, I've just re-read the post and the first half might seem like I'm having a go at you.

I'm really not.

I'm just aggravated by some of these replies that you would never, ever see on a similar thread if the genders had been reversed.

The second half of my post is the best advice I can offer, because long term toxicity in a relationship is definitely not going to end well for anyone. Not you, not your DP and not your DC. I, personally, would stay with it. However I am not you, and so you absolutely have to make the decision your own way, in your own time.

Sethis, no not at all, I genuinely appreciate the advice.

Seriously, you can't imagine posters saying "she doesn't have to give you another baby, it's her body and her decision, if it's a dealbreaker for you you'll need to leave and have a baby with someone else" if the roles were reversed? Because that is all it boils down to, for either sex. In a real relationship, it shouldn't be as blunt as that you should talk and negotiate but in the end decisions have to be made.

“What were you suggesting it for?”
Oh I don’t know maybe you could actually read my post and then you might get an idea.

@Beesandfrogsandfleas

It's more the posts saying "He's being selfish" and "He's a liar" and "Tell him that you'll just have a kid with another man, and he can decide what he thinks of that" that I'm taking issue with.

What did you think of some of those Op?

Particularly the contraception 'lie' one earlier?

MarthasGinYard I’m grateful for people giving me their opinions, whatever it is. I said in my original post that I wouldn’t want to ever force DP into another child. But still appreciate the advice from everyone, whatever it is.

Ooops I should reread before I post! ‘Whatever it is’ is clearly a favourite sentence ending of mine! 🙈

Oh I don’t know maybe you could actually read my post and then you might get an idea.

Oh I read it alright. One of the silliest posts I've ever read on here. Did you or did you not say:

you could consider staying together and using a sperm donor for your second child

I.e. 'Her way - of having a baby when he doesn't want one'

There is no rush for him to go ahead and do this. Ask him to wait 6-12 months, you might both feel differently by then. Offer reliable contraception in the mean time. I'm sure no man is that desperate to have a vasectomy!

Yes I did say that, and if you read the rest of my post, as well as my other posts on this thread, you should understand the intention behind my suggestion. It was just an idea, I was trying to think outside the box for a possible solution for the op and her partner to consider. Everyone seems to agree that it’s a terrible idea and that’s fine!

But if you’re in a relationship and you disagree about something really important, you try and think about possible solutions.

In an earlier post I advised the op to focus on what she has, not what she doesn’t (ie accept having just one child) because her only real options are accepting it or leaving him, aren’t they? And imo it would be sad to leave him over this now they have a child together.

AnotherEmma I am grateful for you making the suggestion. It’s what I was asking for when I wrote the post! So thanks

Highby tonight he agreed to this! Hooray! Gives us both time to think without having the pressure of it being imminent!