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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner wants a vasectomy

160 replies

Pix18 · 14/10/2018 19:47

Hi all, sure there has been plenty of threads like this before. But here goes... my parter has two children from a previous relationship who are now 11 and 9. We had always said we would have two children, but then after a couple of years together he told me he’d changed his mind and never wanted children. Anyway after almost splitting up because of this, he told me he had just panicked and did in fact want more, and we began TTC immediately. I got pregnant the first month and we now have a 3 month old DS. However he is now saying he wants a vasectomy and has even rang the doctors to book a consultation. I’ve practically begged him not to, as I really want our DC to have a sibling close in age to him and also I don’t feel like I am finished having children after just the one.
I really don’t know what to do, he says he has made up his mind and that he’s never having another baby, but surely this should be a decision we make as a couple, not just that he’s decided that’s it! I honestly feel as though it would break our relationship if he goes ahead with it, but also can’t force him to have another baby if he doesn’t want one.
Would just really appreciate some advice if anyone has any! It’s all I think about and I feel like it’s totally spoiling these precious early days with my baby boy ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 07:37

Thanks everyone. He works away 50% of the time so we have his older two 50% of the time he’s home, so around 25% IYSWIM.
Money is not really an issue, we are very comfortable money wise. Also have a bedroom in the house ready to make into a nursery without the other 3 having to share.
Ferrier, really sorry to hear about your situation 😞

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 07:37

'It's his body and his choice ? Bollocks to that'

Good Lord imagine that being spouted to a woman Shock

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 07:59

but it's too much to expect you and your son to sacrifice

What the fuck are you on about Brighton? Seriously? A child sacrifices fuck all. Did you know, also, that a lot of only child have perfectly happy lives and there are lots of people who don't get on with their siblings.

Gazelda · 15/10/2018 08:19

I'd ask him to wait a year and use condoms in the meantime.
But ultimately you'll resent him if he goes ahead with the vasectomy. He'll possibly resent you if you persuade him to have another child. Either way doesn't look good.

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 08:27

'but it's too much to expect you and your son to sacrifice'

What an absolute load of complete and utter shite

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 08:31

Thank you @Martha I couldn't believe no one else had picked up on that before I did

Snitzelvoncrumb · 15/10/2018 08:54

You need to be honest with him about how you feel. Try to word it and make sure you think carefully before you talk to him so he listens to what you say, rather than feels like you are starting an argument. I find tricky conversations with my husband are best via text message. Then I can take my time. He needs to know that while it's his decision to make, you feel very strongly about it and it, and it would mean the end of the relationship.
And don't feel guilty, life is too short to compromise on something this important. But you need to prepare yourself for it not going your way. You have plenty of time to start over if that's how it goes. Take your time and think about it before you talk to him. Good looking xx

Snitzelvoncrumb · 15/10/2018 08:55

Good luck I mean.

cooldarkroom · 15/10/2018 09:13

I can see why you want another DC,
However there are plenty of justifiable reasons why he may want to stop at 3 DC
example, school/uni costs, bigger car/s, holidays......
Are you financially dependent on him ?
It may be a deal breaker for you, it may also be a deal breaker for him.
Someones got to give. Be prepared to accept that having 4 children for him is too many

Notjustanyone · 15/10/2018 09:31

I think you need to consider the good of the family here and not your biological responses because that's all it is at the end of the day!
I can't imagine breaking up my family because I wanted another child. It's incredibly selfish. Your baby son doesn't want a sibling he wants his mum & dad together happy.
I got over never having another child, I don't resent my husband one bit because I love him and he will be with me when our child leaves home in a few years and she's a well adjusted & clever child who has been bought up to not just throw relationships away on a whim.

Your bio clock shouldn't rule your life to the extent you are considering leaving a perfectly good relationship over. I would say if it does then you obviously don't love your partner as much as you should.
Sorry I know this comment won't go down well but the future happiness of your son is at stake here and I can bet my arse he would rather have his dad in his life full time than a sibling he may not even get on with! Perhaps ask your stepchildren what it's like to not have dad with them full time.
This is a terrible reason to leave a relationship over and I've seen some bloody stupid reasons in my time.

Original poster
Pix18 · 15/10/2018 09:50

Cooldarkroom no I’m not financially dependent on him, although he does earn more money than I do. I earn 50 thousand a year (although less right now as I’m on maternity) and he earns 120 thousand a year. Supporting another child financially isn’t an issue for us.

Notjustanyone your comment hasn’t gone down badly with me, I came here to ask advice and opinions and I appreciate yours so thank you 😊

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 15/10/2018 10:21

I'd ask him to wait a year and use condoms in the meantime.
And if there was an accidental pregnancy?

I've been in a similar situation. We planned 2 I was reluctant to have the 2nd as DW had awful PND with the 1st but we had always agreed on 2 and she said she wasn't necessarily going to PND again so I agreed. She did get PND again but then decided she wanted a 3rd child.

I said no and wanted a vasectomy, she persuaded me to wait and went on the pill but became "accidentally" pregnant.

She miscarried and immediatly wanted to TTC, I said my feelings were unchanged, the pregnancy wasn't planned and I didn't want another child. She said that she thought that once I came round to the idea I would be all for it, I challenged her about whether she had actually been taking the pill and she said that occasionally she had been a little lax missed a few here and there "thought it wouldn't make a difference". At very least I saw that as playing Russian roulette with the contraception but I'm pretty sure she planned it as sheis quite controlling. I pressed on and had the vasectomy but she's resented me for it ever since.

lifebegins50 · 15/10/2018 10:32

How old is your partner? I would give it time and ask him to just wait until the baby is a year old.

Dreamingofkfc · 15/10/2018 10:38

Ask him to wait for a few months at least! I have three children, youngest is 8 weeks. Husband thinks we r done and a friend mentioned vasectomy. I told him I didn't want him to have one, he said he didn't want more children. We haven't discussed it further but I would be devastated if he did get one. I can't force him to have more so I'm just trying to focus on the now.

Lauren83 · 15/10/2018 10:45

If he goes ahead with it do have a conversation about doing a sperm freeze, through my job I see many people post vasectomy who regretted it and then decided they wanted more children (or went on to start new relationships after having it done with an ex partner) it's only likely to cost £400 and gives you both a safety net, I know you can't force him to but see what he says

CaptSkippy · 15/10/2018 10:46

While it is his body his choice, from what you wrote in your first post I feel he has been lying to you.

When you started dating he knew damn well he didn't want anymore children, but strung you along hoping that he could just have you and you would give up on your dreams of having children.

I feel the deicsion to have children with this man, who only changed his tune when you were about to leave him, was an unwise decision. I think a partner who is more enthusiastic about having children will make a better father to your current child and your next one.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 10:56

I think he is being very selfish - he is willfully denying you something that he already has, which is more than one child.
He has also misled you - perhaps you would not have entered into this relationship if he had been more honest.

Yes, ultimately he gets to choose whether or not to have a vasectomy. You get to choose whether or not to continue taking the pill. I'd be tempted to stop taking it and have my second child. He could then decide to stay or go.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 15/10/2018 11:00

I agree he is being very selfish. He has what he wants. I wouldn't surprise him with one, but I would let him know it's over if he gets the snip.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 11:00

Just to clarify, I am normally against women saying they are on the pill when they are not, but I actually feel here that he has behaved awfully - he has lied and tricked you into staying when you might otherwise have left. So in this particular scenario I don't consider it the rnd of the world if you treat him with the same level of honesty and consideration that he has shown you.
If this is something you would be radically against (and I do see why) then at least make him take control of contraception until his vasectomy. Why make everything easy for him - seems he's getting enough of his own way!

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 11:05

@IWanna I'm not sure he has behaved awfully. Women can change their minds too, for whatever reason, and that's just as valid. He said he wanted two, then changed his mind, then changed it so that did have one, but now he feels that's enough. Be totally different if he'd said they would always have children and never had ANY and then said years later when it was too late that he never wanted any but had lied.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 11:17

I think that if you marry a young woman, who has made it very clear that she wants children, you should do what you agreed to. Otherwise you are wasting her time and denying her something that you already have and enjoy.
Promises and commitments should mean something. He was a grown man and a parent already, when he met her, so it's not like he didn't know what he signed up to.

ShatnersWig · 15/10/2018 11:29

@IWanna God, you mean no one is allowed to change their mind? Let's put shoe on other foot. OP had two kids already. Meets new man who has none. They agree to have two kids. She changes her mind once, then changes it back. Then the pregnancy is really bad for the third child, some complications, and she says "no, not having the fourth child now". She should just suck that up because they had agreed?

You could equally say a young woman who wants two children might be better off looking for a partner who doesn't already have two children, too.

Shambu · 15/10/2018 11:33

He's not being selfish he's got 3 kids already.

If a woman on here said she had 3, couldn't cope with more, and her husband was pressurising her for more all hell would break loose.

He may take fatherhood seriously and want to the best dad he can to the kids he's got.

differentnameforthis · 15/10/2018 11:50

Hmm, this is what I see.

He didn't want anymore. You threatened to leave. Suddenly he wants one (because he didn't want to lose you). So he has already compromised, probably when he didn't even want to. Now you have to compromise and come to terms with him not wanting anymore.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/10/2018 11:54

See, that's the thing. I don't believe he has changed his mind. I think he was hoping the OP would change hers. He tried to back out of having any dc with her and only chamged his mind when she was going to leave.
You could argue that she shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with a man who had 2 dc if she wanted more, but she took him at his word. He was the one who knew what having dc entailed, more than her and he agreed anyway.
Also not sure it is comparable to a woman changing her mind, since pg and birth have physical implications for women that they don't have for men.