LMD - moving on from abusive parents pt2

[Littlemissdemeanour]

As the old thread is filling up,

Link to old thread: Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3366847-Abusive-parents-I-phoned-the-police-Now-what

That sucks LMD... I had my.fingers crossed all was good and rosy for you.

If he doesn't tho, it's his loss.

Thanks @KlutzyDraconequus I feel like shit. I realise how dramatic that all sounds. But I'm most annoyed at myself for being reeled in and believing in it.

So disappointing how in 12 hours, the man I spent 4 days with couldn't send one message. When he said he would.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be disappointed that he didn't.

I don't think you're being unreasonable either TBF.

I'd be tempted to send him a text in the morning, just something short, like,
"Hey, morning, how are you?"
If no reply comes, you know he's douche.

I actually feel a wee bit sick by it, and that I may be this vulnerable person that's been targeted and it was all just a big ploy.

Just doesn't make sense.

I know how to feel, I think most people have been there at some point.

But it vital to remember that it no reflection on you, it says far more about them. :)

Hi Little Miss... he could be resting. You may have worn him out! 😆 There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending a text tomorrow to say that you had a lovely time. It’s not needy. (Btw - my last one night stand is still going. Don’t over-think it or make too many plans. Just be happy.) x

So he did text, at 6am. The sub text of which was booty call. Eugh

Yes, partly my fault for diving in. But he said all the right things and put on the show. I'm pretty sure the reality is he sees me as sexual rather than more. I feel quite the fool.

You're not a fool. You had fun. Good sex (I hope!). But you're both on different pages about what you want now. It happens. He wants to continue on a just sex and fun basis, you're looking for something that may develop into a more substantial relationship. So just be honest and say thanks, it was fun, but you're not looking for a repeat!

There really are plenty of potential partners out there who will meet your needs much more fully, don't sell yourself short, keep your criteria at the level that is right for you.

I second Slowdown. Flip this round in your head - you are attractive enough in every way to pull this really hot guy. So now you can settle back with that knowledge and know that you can afford to be picky about who you enter into a relationship with - because people do like and fancy you.

Hi littlemiss, you say you think he might see you as sexual rather than more, I just thought I’d add that it’s still possible that it could end up both but only if you keep on politely knock back the booty calls and see if he catches on and offers real dates.

He either will or won’t. If he doesn’t then you’ve dodged a bullet and that’s some achievement.

Did you / have you replied to him?

If not I'd go along the lines of 'thanks, it was fun but I'm not looking for FWB situation'

Unless you want a fwb situation? And that's dodgy ground unless you can quite categorically keep your emotions apart and not get attached for when they ultimately run a mile when they realize you want more than is on offer.

Im sorry to be a party pooper about FWB but you've had a world-rocking shock recently with your parents and I think that it would be really easy to want too much.

you are attractive enough in every way to pull this really hot guy. So now you can settle back with that knowledge and know that you can afford to be picky about who you enter into a relationship with - because people do like and fancy you

Absolutely THIS ^^

There's no reason at all to feel foolish since you can't possibly know exactly where someone's coming from so soon. I confess I'm surprised at how it's turned out, but it's his loss and anyway it doesn't matter ... the point is that you've proved to yourself you can do this

Yet more progress

Well maybe it was a bit of an ego boost for you for now too, Littlemiss. You might not want to fool around too much, but you might not be ready for Mr Right now either. I don't know.... Meanwhile, he sounds like a rather lovely specimen of a horse to have gotten back into the saddle again on..... Don't feel foolish, be proud.

Don't put so much store in this. I've had ONS and although they sometimes mark the start of a relationship, they can also either just fizzle out into FWB or the bloke falls madly in love, blows it up into a far bigger thing than it was, and pesters you for ages. Ime the third type are far more trouble than the second.

Sigh philosophically and let it go. Tell him booty calls aren't good enough.

It is what it is. You had a good time and that's what matters. As far as anything in the future, shrug your shoulders and say 'whatever'.

A friend is going through something similar. She just recently lost her mum (she was carer for her) and old flame reentered her life. She thought it was going to be rekindled but it turns out he only wants to be 'friends'.

It's all about managing disappointed hopes for you and my friend. Nothing wrong with wanting more, but you have to be able to just say 'Oh well' and move on. Not easy. But considering how courageous and brave you've been up til now, I know you can do it.

I think with all that’s gone on with your family and current work situation, the last thing you need is someone messing you about / building you up ready for another big fall.
Choose wisely

Thanks all

I feel a fool (again) as he called and I think we agreed it was a misunderstanding.

It's so hard to trust when you've been let down so hard??

Which bit have you both agreed was a misunderstanding? A FWB relationship/ casual fun, or looking for something more steady?

Well, there's no reason to trust right now, is there? Trust has to be earned. Assuming your conversation means you'll be spending time together, let him earn yours. Enjoy the time you spend with him, but keep your eyes and ears open and your heart firmly inside your chest where it belongs, not on your sleeve.

Oh well... Onwards and upwards. I'm sorry you were hurt. It sucks, but none of these things kill us. We survive another day and we get smarter. I guess this is what Darwin was talking about, right???

I am hoping Littlemiss is having a nice time with this new man?

LMD please please don't feel you are a fool - you aren't!!! You tried something which, with the benefit of hindsight, wasn't right. But you tried it! So take a breath, give yourself fifteen minutes (set a stopwatch/timer) to obsess about what you did do, what you didn't do, what the signs were that you missed, how much FUN you had (!) and then park it firmly in the 'Experiences had and lessons learned file'. Think about what YOU want - and focus on just YOU for a bit.

he called and I think we agreed it was a misunderstanding

Hmmm ... from everything you've written I'd say your understanding is pretty good and that many who've been through your ghastly situation would have crumbled. Instead you've bravely fought your way through, kept up with friends, started to develop new interests and even attracted someone attractive looking

So while it would no doubt be nice to keep this guy in the frame while it suits you, I wouldn't be too quick to assume any "misunderstandings" were on your part

Ok, so I did take the very early morning text personally as (a) we'd had such a good few days, and he'd gone home early, so why leave it so long.... and (b) whilst it didn't say booty, it just FELT that way.

He recognises I was not impressed (I think) and called me. I didn't mention explicitly about the text, I more queried the time it was sent. He was absolutely ok about it, said he was really sorry, and breakdown in comms.

He asked to see me yesterday, and after some thought I agreed. I must say it was wonderful (and is, still here).

My mind is all over the place at the intensity / emotions of it all. But after Saturday and reading the comments on here (thank you!) I'm going to roll with each day at a time, and try not to invest too much into something that might / might not go somewhere.

We had a lovely evening yesterday, and talked about loads. He said (again) he could see us falling in love. I feel slightly uncomfortable about that comment- probably because I've been reading MN for years!

I guess the real proof in the pudding is when we are apart again. I did mention a few things about how I had been feeling over the days and he said he felt the same and agreed to communicate better - in person and away.

So yeah, all very fast (and I know what you're all thinking; I would be saying it too- go easy!). But it's fun, and Lord knows he's one attractive man.

Yikes !