Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws haven’t yet congratulated us..

165 replies

Mumtobe99 · 10/10/2018 21:51

So I’ve been living with my in-laws for nearly 2 years now! ( frustrating) I never planned to have a baby until we moved out but it happened and we’re very happy!!
My MIL used to say “oh why don’t you guys have a baby?” And I used to say I’m waiting to have my own house first etc etc ..

But now I am pregnant she hasn’t mentioned anything at all to her son or me as if they want to just ignore it??
His dad didn’t even beleive us we told him he thought we were lying (wow)
Everyone is so happy for us apart from them.

I know they never liked me and our relationship isint that great but at the end of the day it’s your first grandchild ?
I don’t know if they’re jealous or ..
I know they hate me because of the attention my husband gives to me and he backs me up against them if they’re talking behind my back ... ( they’re old fashioned)
I’ve literally been bullied by all of them in this house I’ve been through so much.
They also don’t like me because I’m not their “typical bride” that’s what she told my mum!

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to live in this house with this baby it’s going to be tough but until we move out!!

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 11/10/2018 09:31

Just to want you homeless with a baby would land you in emergency accommodation first.... and nobody willingly wants to be there.

I recently heard of one single mum in a one room hovel accommodation with two very young children for two years at that point.
So her, her daughter and the baby's cot were about 5 feet from the kitchen. There was no 'living space'

If you've got money move. As Pp have said look an hour or so outside London.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 11/10/2018 09:42

You'll just have to move to an area you can afford like everyone else has to do.

SuperGekkoMuscles · 11/10/2018 09:42

OP one of the things about having children is you try and teach them to make good choices, you haven’t made a good choice.

You have been living with your in laws for two years, they aren’t happy with the situation but you can’t afford to move out.

we’re not earning enough to be paying 800-1000+ a month and live comfortably we live in London!

And yet you thought the sensible option was to have a baby? So now it will be even longer before you can move out. Babies cost money, which you don’t have enough of.

Does everyone have to wait till they’re 30 and have lots of money to have a child

No they don’t. But if you’re sensible and again it goes back to making good choices, you wait until you are in a more stable position.

You’re like a petulant child, I want a baby now! without thinking of how it would affect anyone else.

Do you contribute at home? Not just you, your DH too. Cook? Clean? Do you both work? The council have no obligation to house you because you already have a roof over your head. The waiting list will be a mile long above you. And quite frankly having a baby in the hope it might bump you up the list wasn’t the best decision.

Move away from London if you can’t afford to live there. It’s time to do some adulting.

SuperGekkoMuscles · 11/10/2018 09:42

OP one of the things about having children is you try and teach them to make good choices, you haven’t made a good choice.

You have been living with your in laws for two years, they aren’t happy with the situation but you can’t afford to move out.

we’re not earning enough to be paying 800-1000+ a month and live comfortably we live in London!

And yet you thought the sensible option was to have a baby? So now it will be even longer before you can move out. Babies cost money, which you don’t have enough of.

Does everyone have to wait till they’re 30 and have lots of money to have a child

No they don’t. But if you’re sensible and again it goes back to making good choices, you wait until you are in a more stable position.

You’re like a petulant child, I want a baby now! without thinking of how it would affect anyone else.

Do you contribute at home? Not just you, your DH too. Cook? Clean? Do you both work? The council have no obligation to house you because you already have a roof over your head. The waiting list will be a mile long above you. And quite frankly having a baby in the hope it might bump you up the list wasn’t the best decision.

Move away from London if you can’t afford to live there. It’s time to do some adulting.

SuperGekkoMuscles · 11/10/2018 09:43

FFS posted twice. 🙄

Booie09 · 11/10/2018 09:46

Think the OP is living in cloud cuckoo....her poor in laws.

Charlottesshoezzzz · 11/10/2018 09:58

It’s not my dream to live in a council house and it won’t be for long beleive me.

The above is what you've written OP. How about facing up to your actions & refraining from trying to abuse the system of council housing & leaving those services to people who are extremely in need of them. You are being skitty here & wanting to use the system as it suits you, the council will suss you out pretty quickly I'm afraid. As another poster said single mum with 2 young kids all living in one room weren't even treated as a priority so what makes you think you will be?

I don't know anybody who would think that it is acceptable to be rearing kids whilst living with in-laws, you are lucky they've put up with you for so long as you sound awfully entitled with a bad attitude.

Accept that you've gone about this all wrong & look into renting. If you think the situation with them is bad & frustrating now, it's going to get a hell of a lot worse with the stress of having a baby in what I'm presuming is already cramped conditions.

Grow up & move out from where you aren't wanted. You've clearly overstayed your welcome & your attitude stinks! Not once in your post have you displayed any sort of gratitude for your in-laws being kind & housing you & I'm guessing that they are fed up with feeling like you've been taking the piss.

beeefcake · 11/10/2018 10:40

I can't believe the amount of failed contraception on MN sometimes.....

lynmilne65 · 11/10/2018 11:00

Bit pointless stating op is too young for a baby

lynmilne65 · 11/10/2018 11:07

I really don't think op is up for all the 'helpful ' advice, save your breath!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 11/10/2018 11:21

We fell pregnant with DD after being together for around 5 months. Loved with our parents and realised we had to just man up and get on With it. We also couldn't afford to rent where we lived so looked outside at somewhere cheaper. About 5 mins away.

You need to now just get on with things.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 11/10/2018 12:10

I wasn’t questioning the convenice of it all I was wonder what people had against council properties and acting as if that wouldn’t need saving for. There were a few comments about them renting and that is also renting because you pay your rent unless your on benefits.

Original poster
Mumtobe99 · 11/10/2018 12:40

There’s been soo many comments gosh don’t know which ones to reply to.
Ok so we can’t move too far because DH works in a family business which is across the road from where we live but we’re looking to move to where my parents live anyway which is (Kent). It’s a tad cheaper over there. If we buy a house in the future we want to buy from Kent too. His parents get so jealous over this they don’t like the fact that I’m going to be close to my parents. (Weird) but we told them it’s because of the house prices in London.
And just to clarify I am not 19 I’m 23.
We are Asian. I remember my FIL at first used to get offended when we said we wanted our own place, they kept saying what’s wrong with our house etc..
They don’t understand that newly weds need their own place and privacy etc ..
we’ve tried to move out n looked to rent many time but his mum said to my DH I won’t give your wages if you do. She’s so controlling and we felt trapped.
Her plan was to have us living there 3-5 years save money then buy a house nearby but I never wanted to stay that long.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 11/10/2018 12:46

I wasn’t questioning the convenice of it all I was wonder what people had against council properties and acting as if that wouldn’t need saving for.

I’m guilty there. Live in a different country and our social housing is completely welfare based. It is state based and definitely subsidised by tax payers although there is a complicated arrangement between federal taxes and state based funding but essentially it’s completely welfare based and there is a stigma regarding people who reside in them.

Having said that I believe certain states have recently implemented some different housing initiatives for low income earners (as opposed to welfare) in regards to purchase and rent but nothing in my state and I’m not up on the details so some of that may or may not match what you have described.

usernamealreadytaken · 11/10/2018 13:17

OP if your husband is working legally then it would be illegal for his DM to withhold his wages. You should check that he is being paid the legal minimum wage for his age, and that his tax and NI are being paid. This could be far more serious than just controlling PILs. I can't pretend to know the intricacies of Asian family dynamics, but if you and DH want to make an independent go of your marriage and family, then perhaps DH might be able to find a job elsewhere so you can move out, and then you can keep a nice family relationship with PILs rather than a work/family/controlling one. Good luck Flowers

Sarah22xx · 11/10/2018 13:35

You're the same age as me, I had my son when I was just coming up 22, they're probably concerned because you don't have a ground plan in place,I know I would be. Funny you say about moving to Kent that's where I am. If you want cheaper prices for rentals I would deffo say avoid maidstone/ tunbridge wells/ tonbridge and try more east Kent as that is cheaper.

Ellisandra · 11/10/2018 14:05

And the fact that you’re in such a fucked up situation where a 26 year old is effectively forced to stay at home by his mother stealing his wages, is another good reason why getting pregnant was a bad idea.

He needs to get a new job.

The pair of you need to move out.

You are going to have serious issues when the baby arrives. They may not be showing much interest now - but it’s very possible MIL will be all over the baby once it’s here. And you’ll be posting “MIL won’t let me breastfeed as she wants to feed” and “I just found out MIL started weaning my baby” and “MIL smacked my baby when I don’t believe in that” - etc etc.

You need to get out of there.

Notacluewhatthisis · 11/10/2018 14:22

The more you write, the more it's clear you shouldn't be having a baby until YOU have provided a roof over the child's head.

Original poster
Mumtobe99 · 11/10/2018 14:41

Well DH is planning to open up a small take away with his friend they’re just waiting on things like website & Logo etc..
If it all goes through then maybe it can make a dramatic change our lives (fingers crossed).
He doesn’t like working for them at all.
Yesterday his brother came into the kitchen and told him why you still sitting down haven’t you got work to go to? When it was DH’s break still.. the cheek! DH was fuming.

OP posts:
civicxx · 11/10/2018 14:46

This is a ridiculous situation to stay in.
Pack up & leave. Can you not find a place near your parents or even stay with your parents for a little bit? I would suggest your partner either, saves around £1300 ASAP & use it for a deposit in Kent etc & looks for a new job, it doesn't have to be anything amazing straight away, agency hours anything as long as it means you can be out of this situation and closer to your parents or see if you can stay with your parents for a few months and again your partner looks for a job in the area. Either way I don't see how you can stay in the situation your in

Ellisandra · 11/10/2018 14:55

Where is this takeaway? Near his parents’ house, or in Kent?

Kennycalmit · 11/10/2018 15:01

OP you’re full of excuses. You have an answer for every single suggestion.

puzzledlady · 11/10/2018 15:08

You might be 23 but you don’t sound remotely mature enough to have a baby. Sorry OP. They haven’t congratulated you becasue I suppose they might be worried for their son. You can’t afford your own house, yet you’ve decided to have a baby. Very irresponsible. I can see where you’re in-laws are coming from I’m afraid. Sorry.

beeefcake · 11/10/2018 15:25

Why does he work for them if he's miserable? Surely it's not that hard to apply for a job.

Stop passing the buck when the fact of the matter is you got pregnant (accidentally or not I am not sure) without the means to support it or the foresight to consider where you are going to live and how much it costs to raise a baby.

Now the story keeps changing so you don't have to admit that that's what you've done. Why would you move near your parents I thought they threw you out?

I don't blame your DHs parents you sound like a nightmare.

Rebecca36 · 11/10/2018 15:28

I'm beginning to feel just a bit sorry for the op, despite feeling as exasperated as others.

Op started by saying the baby was conceived by accident; that happens. Also that her in laws often said they looked forward to a grandchild. However since pregnancy has been announced, they've not congratulated. That's when the trouble started.

Would it not be a good idea to sit down with your in laws and express how hurt you feel about that, ask them if they hadn't banked on a new baby in the house but stress you hadn't intended to become pregnant?

You might find a bit of honestly on all sides will help, they are obviously good people and so are you. They'll feel sorry about your hurt and you too can express how you didn't want to impose on them.

If their house is big enough it may not be too bad living there with a child. There are some Asian people up the road and down to me who have a big, family houses and everyone is happy. They have ground rules, everyone has their own space, etc, but being together means a lot of support for children and elderly.

If that is no solution, look to rent somewhere in Kent. Doesn't have to be too far out. Go on Rightmove and search. Your parents may help you - they may even know people who have places to let - and your in laws will come round.