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Original poster

DP and sex....

138 replies

Kookaa · 08/10/2018 08:15

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have 2 DC - 2 & 1 month.
I also have 3 school aged DC. Needless to say we’re both very tired.

Our sex life has been an ongoing problem. DP has a high sex drive and when we first got together we had a lot of sex. Things slowed down after 6 months or so.

He would bring it up every now and then saying that we never had sex and that when we did it was just rushed.... He thinks we should have sex every/every other night yet I’m happy with a couple of times a week. It was never enough/never good enough.

So he cooked for me on Saturday night. By the time it was 10 I was exhausted. We have a month old breast fed baby who wakes for feeds every couple of hrs through the night and toddler who wakes at 6am every day.

We didn’t have sex (we’d had it on Thursday!) and he was in a foul mood all day yesterday. He wouldn’t say why or even admit he was but I’m sure that’s why.

Last night I was up every couple of hours, also have a stinking cold and unwell. DP then wakes me up just before 6 by sticking his hand between my legs. I was shoved him off then 15 minutes later he tried again. I had sex reluctantly and am now really upset and angry. Firstly that he fucking woke me up and secondly that he just didn’t give a shit.

He says he’s alsways been honest about his sex drive, just wants to feel close to me. He said he feels old (he’s 31) because we sit and watch telly in the evenings rather than hopping into bed. He says he’d like us to go to counselling about it and he doesn’t want this to be it for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
TastelesslyDone · 08/10/2018 08:19

I would have a tiny bit of sympathy for your DP if you didn’t have a one month old. As it is, he seems to be a bit of a dick.

BackInTheRoom · 08/10/2018 08:20

IMO he's being totally unreasonable! 5 kids including a newborn! You had sex on Thursday for crying out loud! Does he help with 'The Mental Load'?

0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 08:20

He sexually assaulted you then raped you.

He is lucky that you have not taken this to the police.

Why do you want tto stay with this deeply unattractive rapey man?

ShockedHorrored · 08/10/2018 08:21

You have a month old baby. Tell him to fuck off amd stip thinking with his dick. He needs to be understanding of how knackered you are.
It doesn’t matter what his sex drive is, he’s got to realise he’s not entitled to sex. 2 times a week with a very small baby is good in my book. Coercive sex is not on at all.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/10/2018 08:21

Oh love, you know this really isn’t normal, don’t you?

You have a month old baby and are having to deal with being coerced into sex for fear of his sulks. There is a word for men like that.

You must be shattered and devastated. I know this won’t be an easy time, but I would be looking at ways out of this relationship. Can you imagine still dealing with his assaults, pestering and sulking for the next fifty years?

Most women aren’t even having sex yet after the birth. There is a huge risk of infection early on.

I really hear the exhaustion in your post. I’m so sorry you’re being dragged down instead of supported

MollysGirl · 08/10/2018 08:21

He’s an entitled prick. Sorry.

ferrier · 08/10/2018 08:22

I'm not surprised you are angry but I would take him up on the suggestion to have counselling. This will drive a wedge between you if you don't make efforts to fix it.

ferrier · 08/10/2018 08:23

And by fix it I don't mean accede to his demands.

cakecakecheese · 08/10/2018 08:23

You have a one month old baby? You're knackered so no wonder you don't want sex all the time! A lot of women take a lot longer than a month to be ready to have sex at all. I'm actually thinking his councelling idea might be a good plan after all as maybe then he'll realise his expectations of sex every night when you have a very small child are very unrealistic.

mimibunz · 08/10/2018 08:26

What is it with men and their dicks!?

gigi556 · 08/10/2018 08:27

He's being totally unreasonable! I didn't have sex for 4 months until after having a baby and tbh it hurt! My stitches were healed but I guess there is scar tissue. It's fine now 16 months on but was probably 6 months until felt normal.

Maybe the counseling will help him see he's being a total dick.

Original poster
Kookaa · 08/10/2018 08:27

We had sex 2 weeks after the birth. He told me he was desperate to have sex but that he wasn’t pressuring me.... Anyway we had sex and it was so painful afterwards I needed to take painkillers.

He then said we shouldn’t have done it as it was too soon but exactly a week later woke me in the middle of the night begging to just let him do it.

He says he thinks about sex all the time.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 08/10/2018 08:28

Counselling, because I think he's using it to make you feel bad about yourself, a threat as it were, and I think the counsellor will tell him he's a selfish arsehole!

Original poster
Kookaa · 08/10/2018 08:29

The whole thing is making me feel so pressured I’m getting anxiety and feeling guilty at the same time.

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 08/10/2018 08:29

He sounds like an extremely inconsiderate man. Men are able to control themselves you know! Tell him to tie a knot in it. You have a tiny baby, of course you're not going to be rampantly sexual for a while, he should understand that.

BackInTheRoom · 08/10/2018 08:30

'He says he thinks about sex all the time.'

What with 5 kids? Clearly he has too much time on his hands. 🙄

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/10/2018 08:31

Just out of interest, if he had a badly bruised penis, and you knew sex would hurt him, but you really wanted sex, would you demand that he just get on with it for the sake of your needs?

If the answer to that is no, then why do you think it’s okay for him to treat you that way? Do you think he is showing care and love for you, or is it entirely about his needs?

This sort of post makes me so sad. You are in a sexually abusive relationship. I really hope that you can find a way out. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect. You deserve so much more than this.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 08/10/2018 08:32

I'm sorry op , only an inconsiderate arse would suggest sex a couple of weeks after giving birth. That could've caused you great damage.

I know it's difficult but you really need to consider your options regarding your relationship. His behaviour is far from 'normal'.

BackInTheRoom · 08/10/2018 08:32

The whole thing is making me feel so pressured I’m getting anxiety and feeling guilty at the same time.

Exactly what he intended to happen so you'll make more effort OP. Have my first LTB.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/10/2018 08:33

Does he feel guilt and anxiety for the pain he caused you, and then caused you again a week later? He should. You shouldn’t.

IdahoCrow · 08/10/2018 08:34

This isn't normal. He's not right. In fact he's behaving in a very damaging way towards you.

1in4FrogsIsALeapFrog · 08/10/2018 08:35

Oh god, this sounds dreadful.

You have a 1 month old who’s breastfed and he’s behaving like that???
Tell him to take care of himself if he’s really gagging for it that much! You’re already looking after another human being who completely depends on you, he’s a grown man and should be putting his child’s (and your) needs before his own, and you need sleep!!!!

I can’t even imagine what I’d do if my DH got all grabby but I don’t think it would be pretty!

You should never feel that you have to Have sex, that’s awful and I agree with PP that it’s coercive and unhealthy.

I think coucilling is a fantastic idea as it sounds like your husband really needs someone to tell him what a dick he is!

Haireverywhere · 08/10/2018 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myohmywhatarainyday · 08/10/2018 08:37

How is that not a massive turn off for you?
I had an ex that would nag for sex all the time.
All the nagging did was made me want it even less.
It’s such a turn off.
My lovely DH probably hasn’t had any for about 6 weeks.
Combination of me doing new hours at work which are early mornings, kids that wake up in the night, an awful cold/virus and me being generally knackered.
He’s not sulked or nagged once.

AlaskaSometimes · 08/10/2018 08:37

This is crazy and completely unreasonable. My partner has a high sex drive. He also would prefer sex every day. I actually understand this and believe frequent sex is important to us for intimacy and a great relationship. Some people are like this.
BUT
He would never harass me. He would never try to have sex with me when I wasn’t into it. When I have had depression or after babies we have gone long times without it and he understands because that is what you do in a relationship.
He is being horrible, selfish and yes, rapey. Completely awful.

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