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Original poster

DP and sex....

138 replies

Kookaa · 08/10/2018 08:15

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have 2 DC - 2 & 1 month.
I also have 3 school aged DC. Needless to say we’re both very tired.

Our sex life has been an ongoing problem. DP has a high sex drive and when we first got together we had a lot of sex. Things slowed down after 6 months or so.

He would bring it up every now and then saying that we never had sex and that when we did it was just rushed.... He thinks we should have sex every/every other night yet I’m happy with a couple of times a week. It was never enough/never good enough.

So he cooked for me on Saturday night. By the time it was 10 I was exhausted. We have a month old breast fed baby who wakes for feeds every couple of hrs through the night and toddler who wakes at 6am every day.

We didn’t have sex (we’d had it on Thursday!) and he was in a foul mood all day yesterday. He wouldn’t say why or even admit he was but I’m sure that’s why.

Last night I was up every couple of hours, also have a stinking cold and unwell. DP then wakes me up just before 6 by sticking his hand between my legs. I was shoved him off then 15 minutes later he tried again. I had sex reluctantly and am now really upset and angry. Firstly that he fucking woke me up and secondly that he just didn’t give a shit.

He says he’s alsways been honest about his sex drive, just wants to feel close to me. He said he feels old (he’s 31) because we sit and watch telly in the evenings rather than hopping into bed. He says he’d like us to go to counselling about it and he doesn’t want this to be it for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
TheOneWith · 08/10/2018 08:39

I think his idea of counselling is great, once he’s been told what a rapey bastard he is then you should leave him.

Because make no mistake, he knew you didn’t want sex this morning, or two weeks after you’d given birth, and he simply doesn’t give a shit.

0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 08:40

It is not advisable to have joint counselling when there is issues of abuse.

I do however suggest that Op has counselling so that she can decide what to do about her sexually abusive husband.

He is not likely to change as he feels entitled to his access to your body, regardless of consent.

He does not see you as a human being with thoughts and feelings of your own.

You don't matter.

This is the bottom line.

Talking to your hv and gp would be a good idea. Also speaking to women's aid.

0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 08:41

Counselling on her own...

Original poster
Kookaa · 08/10/2018 08:42

I don’t know how we’d afford to live without him. He is very hands on with the DC too and apart from the sex thing we are happy. I think I’d struggle to get a full time job with all the DC and nursery/school runs/sick days/holidays and would only be entitled to tax credits for two of them... I think we’d end up at the food bank!

OP posts:
Musti · 08/10/2018 08:44

That is awful op. To want to have sex even though he knows it physically hurts you is awful. And the level of sex he's demanding with the amount if kids you have etc is insane.

Do you love him? Does he pull his weight around the house and kids (I'm guessing not).

notacooldad · 08/10/2018 08:46

He sounds nasty.

He's told you he's unhappy as there is a mismatch of drives
He would like to go to counselling and discuss how to manage it
He is only thinking about his needs. Anyone with half a brain could work out that someone giving birth a month ago and has other kids as well may not be ready for sex yet. Never mind virtually forcing someone. He should have his bollocks twisted off for that.

MessyBun247 · 08/10/2018 08:46

‘I think although he's not handled himself well in his manner and behaviour, he has ultimately done exactly what I would have suggested if he posted here.’

Fucking hell! You would suggest he force himself upon the woman he supposedly ‘loves’ when she is recovering from giving birth, has newborn and 4 other kids to look after, is fucking exhausted, has a stinking cold and um....DOES NOT WANT TO BE A WANK SOCK TO THIS CREEP!

Let me guess OP he thinks about sex all the time because he does fuck all round the house or with the kids and has lots of free time to fantasise about sex?

Some of these responses are ridiculous. This horrible man (who sexually assaulted the OP) should be taking care of his partner while she recovers from birth, not acting like a sex pest. The OP Is not vessel for this man to ejaculate into. She’s a human being with rights of her own. No means NO.

I hope you are OK. You don’t have to live like this you know. Have you heard of the Freedom Program?

MysteriousQuinn · 08/10/2018 08:48

Oh OP this is awful! Your baby is only 1 month old. Most women aren't ready to have sex so soon after giving birth. The fact that he pesters you and practically forces you to have sex with him is disgusting.
Also twice a week with 5 Kids is pretty good going in my book, you are not in any way in the wrong here! If he has the energy for sex every night then the workload is clearly not very balanced. Yes go to counselling, hopefully it will make him see how abusive his behaviour is.

MessyBun247 · 08/10/2018 08:48

OP are you in love with him? And do you feel like he loves you?

Would you not rather live free of the pressure and anxiety he is placing upon you?

BackInTheRoom · 08/10/2018 08:48

.....apart from the sex thing we are happy.

The sex thing would taint the whole relationship for me. Knowing my partner was this selfish, inconsiderate, entitled, abusive, I wouldn't want sex with him. Honestly I cannot believe what I'm actually reading OP. You've JUST has a baby, a little human whom you are nursing from your own body and that idiot wants a piece of you no matter what?!

PARunnerGirl · 08/10/2018 08:49

I think I’d probably take him up on his idea of counselling. It’s a stressful, tiring and busy time for both of you (although you definitely sound as if you are taking the brunt). I know it’s often said that joint sessions shouldn’t take place in the case of abuse but I feel like at this stage, although he has acted appallingly, you may be able to improve things through joint counselling (if, of course, you actually love him and believe your life is improved by him being in it!).

This may be controversial, but I think I’d also be looking for a male counsellor. I don’t know your DP and so I could be totally off off here. He is going to find out that he is unreasonable, verging on abusive, and all the reasons why that is the case. I have no doubt about that! This may resonate more with him if it is facilitated through another man.

PurpleWithRed · 08/10/2018 08:55

Definitely take him up on the counselling, but make relationship counselling not sex counselling - ie you are discussing how you work in partnership and the give and take of long term relationships rather than how to fix your sex drive. Because your sex drive is normal.

Recommend reading ‘come as you are’, great book.

Frosty66611 · 08/10/2018 08:59

He sounds like an absolute cunt! Talk about entitled and selfish behaviour! Jeez! He’s also manipulating you into making you feel guilty when you don’t give in to his every beck and call

Happytea · 08/10/2018 08:59

Can't believe you had sex 4 weeks after giving birth let alone 2! He is appalling. He has no concern for your health.

boredmum18 · 08/10/2018 09:00

Gosh op, I can't believe he's pressuring you to have sex so soon after giving birth! Were you not still bleeding at 2 weeks? Post-partum bleeding is pretty unpleasant, can't see many people wanting to have sex through it!

You need to tell him to take himself off and have some time with his right hand, there is no way he should be pressuring you to have sex, ever! I would really recommend leaving, he sounds like a monster. Dh definitely struggled with not having sex after ds was born, he hadn't been through the physical upheaval so didn't need recovery time like I did. But he was happy to take care of himself, and (prob tmi) I'd often give a helping hand so we still had intimacy and a shared experience, even when I had no interest in anything physical for me.

Loving, supportive partners do just that: love and support their partners, especially after childbirth. It's a massive physical process followed by sleepless nights and exhaustion. What you need is someone to be patient and give you the time you need. Not a pervy rapist who can't stop thinking about sex!

NotANotMan · 08/10/2018 09:01

He has a major psychological issue with sex if he's as obsessed with it as he appears to be, combined with a nasty sense of entitlement to your body and a willingness to sexually coerce and even rape you.
You know there is no way you can stay with him, right?

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 09:04

LTB

LaCitrouille · 08/10/2018 09:05

I'm sorry but he's very inconsiderate and selfish. I have a 10 weeks old baby and I'm still not ready for sex yet. Your DP should be told off for pressuring and coercing you for his own pleasure. I'd say go for the counselling and let him feel how abusive he is.

Lonecatwithkitten · 08/10/2018 09:05

I was married to a man like your DH whilst we didn't have as many DC I had a business that provided 24/7 emergency care. I then became ill, his lack of care and thought for me combined with his 'need' for sex ultimately lead to the end of our marriage. I was devastated.
Since I have met a lovely widower whose wife died off ovarian cancer and for the last 6 years of her life they did not have sex because it was painful for her. He adored his wife and would have never dreamed of asking her to put herself in pain to satisfy his need. He did not seek sex elsewhere in fact one of her friends offered it and he turned her down,
This made me take a long hard look at my marriage, and I realised when you really love someone you put their needs above yours. This is the way it should be.

glitterystuff · 08/10/2018 09:06

Call his bluff and go to counselling. It will not work in his favour.

He's being unreasonable.

In my relationship I'm the one with a higher sex drive and DH is lower (or possibly asexual?), in my case it's twice a year, not twice a week, and I definitely wouldn't be hounding him like your DP has you. You've just had a baby for goodness' sake!

In my case the sex thing may or may not contribute to the end of our relationship- but that won't be because I make him feel bad, but because we can't find a solution.

Giving in to untenable pressure, being sexually assaulted, being caused physical pain... That's not a solution.

Flowers
0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 09:06

MessyBun247 I too can't believe what people are saying here.

This man is sexually abusing and rapeing the Op.

Counselling with an abuser really is not recommended. I would never agree to seeing clients for joint therapy if one was abusive. No fucking way.

Haireverywhere · 08/10/2018 09:06

I'm really sorry OP I didn't read your opening post as though you were saying he's abusive. I take the word reluctant to be when I'm not really 100% about something and didn't realise you had been assaulted. I thought you were saying you are happy but have mismatched drives.

If I have got this wrong and you are in an abusive relationship then I agree counselling just for you.

LemonysSnicket · 08/10/2018 09:08

Good god, DP and I have no kids and manage about once a week because we're both knackered.
He needs to stop guilting you about this and being so forceful, especially a month after having a fucking baby.
I'd try and keep the spark alive but I don't think making you dinner is particularly romantic. Maybe if he looked after the kids for the evening so you could have a bath and chill out ... even then he's not entitled.

Would he be happy if someone was doing this to his daughter (as some men seem incapable of seeing women as human beings without the relativism of wife, daughter, mother).

RatRolyPoly · 08/10/2018 09:09

He has a problem. Counselling is needed; by him.

LemonysSnicket · 08/10/2018 09:09

I also think it's very weird he thinks about sex so often, is he addicted? You'd think with 5 kids he'd have enough else to think about

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