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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and sex....

138 replies

Kookaa · 08/10/2018 08:15

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have 2 DC - 2 & 1 month.
I also have 3 school aged DC. Needless to say we’re both very tired.

Our sex life has been an ongoing problem. DP has a high sex drive and when we first got together we had a lot of sex. Things slowed down after 6 months or so.

He would bring it up every now and then saying that we never had sex and that when we did it was just rushed.... He thinks we should have sex every/every other night yet I’m happy with a couple of times a week. It was never enough/never good enough.

So he cooked for me on Saturday night. By the time it was 10 I was exhausted. We have a month old breast fed baby who wakes for feeds every couple of hrs through the night and toddler who wakes at 6am every day.

We didn’t have sex (we’d had it on Thursday!) and he was in a foul mood all day yesterday. He wouldn’t say why or even admit he was but I’m sure that’s why.

Last night I was up every couple of hours, also have a stinking cold and unwell. DP then wakes me up just before 6 by sticking his hand between my legs. I was shoved him off then 15 minutes later he tried again. I had sex reluctantly and am now really upset and angry. Firstly that he fucking woke me up and secondly that he just didn’t give a shit.

He says he’s alsways been honest about his sex drive, just wants to feel close to me. He said he feels old (he’s 31) because we sit and watch telly in the evenings rather than hopping into bed. He says he’d like us to go to counselling about it and he doesn’t want this to be it for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
MissedTheBoatAgain · 08/10/2018 09:10

I had sex reluctantly and am now really upset and angry

The word reluctantly makes this sound very like a rape scenario?

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/10/2018 09:12

Have to agree with the others, Even if he did all the chores and looked after the other DC, a on month old takes it out of you.
He needs to start thinking about your needs more

CommanderDaisy · 08/10/2018 09:14

Lord, medically women are in no shape to have sex two weeks after birth. No wonder you had to down the painkillers. Horrendous. Most doctors I've had advise six weeks for fucks sake.
A high sex drive is no excuse to coerce you into sex.
Was he like this after your first child too?
His behaviour is wrong, which you know.
If you feel you cannot leave, which I get - call his bluff and book a counselling session for him - not both of you together.
And call Womens Aid and see what they have to say on the matter.

Show him this thread.
Then send him to Australia so I can kick him in the nuts, with Doc Martens on. What a fucker.

eelbecomingforyou · 08/10/2018 09:16

I'm not surprised you are angry but I would take him up on the suggestion to have counselling. This will drive a wedge between you if you don't make efforts to fix it.

I am shocked at the rape apologists here. @Ferrier and @haireverywhere, you should be ashamed.

'this will drive a wedge between you' - what, OP only wanting to have sex TWICE a week with a MONTH-OLD BABY????? She is being completely reasonable. She is healing after giving birth. Most couples don't get back to anything like a normal sex life for months, even years, after their dc are born.

This is NOT a matter for counselling. He should fucking man up and think about his wife and HER feelings. If he's that horny he can masturbate.

I think although he's not handled himself well in his manner and behaviour

You think?? He's raped OP. At the very least, coerced her into having sex. He KNEW she didn't want sex BUT HE DIDN'T CARE. He only had sex on Thursday - his balls are not going to explode.

If you ignore this then the future of your relationship will be at risk.
Well, I'd rather be single than have a rapist as a husband.

OP, I'm so sorry. I don't recommend joint counselling. He needds to back right off and listen to you when you say no. Your baby is a month old. Honestly, I despair. Some men.

gamerchick · 08/10/2018 09:18

He's sexually abusing the OP and people are siding with him? Is there men on this thread? Confused

Tell him he's a rapey bastard and you're sleeping apart from now on and he's to leave you alone until you're ready. He needs to find help himself.

Ideally you would get rid of him though. There is a way when you're ready. Dont just assume life will be hard. He has 5 kids to pay for.

Onemansoapopera · 08/10/2018 09:19

You can't stay with someone just because financially its better than being apart. That's not a relationship it's a business agreement. Leave, neither of you are happy nor will be. You'll never respect him again.

ShockedHorrored · 08/10/2018 09:19

I’m confused where people are getting 5 dc from? In the op it says they have 2 dc. Not that it matters how many you have. Your husband sounds vile. Sex 2 weeks after birth. You need to look in to your options to be able to get rid of him. He’s assaulting you.

Haireverywhere · 08/10/2018 09:19

@eelbecomingforyou

I am. I apologised. I misread it.

Onemansoapopera · 08/10/2018 09:20

Also, yes , grabbing you between the legs is disgusting. This needs to end.

eelbecomingforyou · 08/10/2018 09:20

I hadn't even read OP's later post - I'm horrified.

He told me he was desperate to have sex but that he wasn’t pressuring me.... Anyway we had sex and it was so painful afterwards I needed to take painkillers.

He then said we shouldn’t have done it as it was too soon but exactly a week later woke me in the middle of the night begging to just let him do it.

He woke OP THREE weeks after she'd had a baby to beg for sex. God, OP, if anyone woke me at the stage for any reason I'd have bitten their head off, never mind woken you for sex.

He is a disgusting selfish creep.

ShockedHorrored · 08/10/2018 09:21

Ha that’ll teach me to read properly 🤦🏻‍♀️ Apologies I can now see that have 5 dc.

thecatsabsentcojones · 08/10/2018 09:21

CommanderDaisy should be the first to kick him in the nuts with DMs on, then I'll be here in the UK to do it again. We could have a bollocking kicking chain, at the end of all that I doubt he'll think about sex ever again.

Seriously though, I understand that you feel trapped financially, but this is unacceptable. Another poster used the analogy of him having sex with a badly bruised penis, if you were to explain using those terms would he actually get it? But it's not just about you being sore, it's about the fact you have the right to refuse him - and he's not getting that. That's a huge problem.

Feel for you, I really do, what a total arsehole.

Monty27 · 08/10/2018 09:22

OP are you consensual? Albeit reluctantly?
You need to say no.

Haireverywhere · 08/10/2018 09:22

I hadn't read your updates either OP. I'm so sorry.

Tinkobell · 08/10/2018 09:23

He has a major sex drive problem not you OP. Definitely do the counselling and see where that gets you I suppose.

Chesterfieldsofa · 08/10/2018 09:24

Go to counselling - then the counsellor can tell him how unreasonable he is, as well as everyone on here saying the same. Let him rub his willy on something else right now, you need to sleep.

diddl · 08/10/2018 09:24

I feel quite ill reading this.

Isn't it recommended that you wait 6weeks?

Anything before that has to come from the woman, surely?

Yes, "reluctantly" doesn't exactly imply consent, does it?

RB68 · 08/10/2018 09:25

Do the counselling - he is in for a wake up call

NotANotMan · 08/10/2018 09:25

OP are you consensual? Albeit reluctantly?
You need to say no.

When you're being coerced into sex by an abuser it's not as simple as saying no. Nor is she consenting if she's being coerced into doing so.

notapizzaeater · 08/10/2018 09:29

Omg, you've a month old baby. It took months for me to have sex afterwards without the other kids. He's abused you.

eggstoast · 08/10/2018 09:30

He's suggesting counselling because he's trying to make you feel like there is something wrong with you for not wanting sex, Its absolutely not about making the relationship better.
Whereas any idiot would know, without the aid of a counsellor, that someone that has recently given birth is likely not wanting sex.
He sounds absolutely awful op.

0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 09:35

Would you leave him Op if you didn't depend on him financially and for child care input?

I do strongly suggest that you speak to someone from woman's aid.

0ccamsRazor · 08/10/2018 09:36

And please also speak to your health visitor and doctor, you may need a paper trail at some point.

NerdyBird · 08/10/2018 09:37

I think individual counselling for you would be better. I'd be very cautious about joint because it seems that he'd be the type to suggest it for his own ends of getting more sex rather than a desire to change. Do look into your options for splitting up too.

Jaxhog · 08/10/2018 09:37

Tell him you'll have more sex with him if he looks after both babies for a couple of days a week.

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