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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and sex....

138 replies

Kookaa · 08/10/2018 08:15

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have 2 DC - 2 & 1 month.
I also have 3 school aged DC. Needless to say we’re both very tired.

Our sex life has been an ongoing problem. DP has a high sex drive and when we first got together we had a lot of sex. Things slowed down after 6 months or so.

He would bring it up every now and then saying that we never had sex and that when we did it was just rushed.... He thinks we should have sex every/every other night yet I’m happy with a couple of times a week. It was never enough/never good enough.

So he cooked for me on Saturday night. By the time it was 10 I was exhausted. We have a month old breast fed baby who wakes for feeds every couple of hrs through the night and toddler who wakes at 6am every day.

We didn’t have sex (we’d had it on Thursday!) and he was in a foul mood all day yesterday. He wouldn’t say why or even admit he was but I’m sure that’s why.

Last night I was up every couple of hours, also have a stinking cold and unwell. DP then wakes me up just before 6 by sticking his hand between my legs. I was shoved him off then 15 minutes later he tried again. I had sex reluctantly and am now really upset and angry. Firstly that he fucking woke me up and secondly that he just didn’t give a shit.

He says he’s alsways been honest about his sex drive, just wants to feel close to me. He said he feels old (he’s 31) because we sit and watch telly in the evenings rather than hopping into bed. He says he’d like us to go to counselling about it and he doesn’t want this to be it for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
JuliaRobbers · 08/10/2018 09:38

2 weeks after birth?! I think that's sexual assault! Whether or not your agreed you/your body was not even close to ready. I'd have no respect or time for a man who is no less than an animal whose sexual needs cloud their brain.

Hopoindown31 · 08/10/2018 09:47

I'm usually quite understanding of sexual frustration in men as I've had issues in the past in my relationship where I've not been understanding of my DP's needs.

However, this is not on at all. As others have said it is very soon after the birth amd he is pressuring you and engaging in non-consensual activity. Most decent men do not do this and respect the time it takes for the body to recover after birth and for the shock of having a new born to subside.

You need to be clear and firm both that you won't accept his behaviour and about the fact that you will start having sex again on your schedule, not his. Tbh he is lucky you haven't left him.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 08/10/2018 09:51

Actually, as appalling as the two weeks thing is, I think that's a red herring.

If the OP doesn't want sex, regardless of the reason, then she should be able to say so and have her partner respect it, without the histrionics from him.

BabiaMajora · 08/10/2018 09:56

He’s pressuring you to have sex OP: that’s so wrong. From your other posts, he seems to have a good handle on his role as a father and co-parent, but he’s getting his role as a loving, supportive husband so wrong.
The coercion you’re enduring is awful: it turned my stomach when you described him sticking his hand between your legs - you’re exhausted from looking after your newborn and four older DC ffs! How are you possibly meant to feel responsive to an overture like that? And the begging is just pathetic.🤢 He doesn’t ‘need’ sex; he’s being a selfish fucker.
I’d be tempted to chuck a blow up doll at him and tell him to use it instead of using you. He doesn’t deserve one iota of your affection after behaving this way. Sad

GreyCloudsToday · 08/10/2018 10:00

Sorry this is happening to you, it's awful. It's not normal that you feel you have to have sex with this man so soon post partum. It's not right that he's pressuring you so much. He sounds like he has obsessive issues around sex. Are you really happy? In your position I don't think I could be knowing that my partner had such little regard for my feelings. You deserve better Flowers. If I were you I'd be saying NO sex and asking him to go for individual counselling at a minimum, but really you should think hard about leaving.

KittyPerry77 · 08/10/2018 10:01

Please don't let him continue saying that this has anything to do with mismatched sex drives. A decent man, no matter how horny, would never pressure a woman he loves into sex a week after her needing painkillers for his last foray. It was your second child with him so it's not like he didn't know what women are like after giving birth.

Could you say to him, "It's unreasonable to expect me to have sex with you when it's painful. I will not be having sex until 6 weeks postpartum. " (or whatever amount you'd like to say).

What would happen then? Could you just ignore his sulking? Sulking has got to be better than risking infection or internal injury surely?

I don't imagine he'd pass much heed of our replies but if he posted on PistonHeads with details of how far postpartum you are, he would see how most men would think he was a dick too.

busybarbara · 08/10/2018 10:03

With five kids he's lucky to be getting anything to be honest. That said, imagine if he changed his tune and didn't want any at all and never instigated, would that be better or worse?

NotANotMan · 08/10/2018 10:06

With five kids he's lucky to be getting anything to be honest. That said, imagine if he changed his tune and didn't want any at all and never instigated, would that be better or worse?

Considering he's coercing and raping her, I'm going to say it would be better Hmm

ravenmum · 08/10/2018 10:07

When you say "happy", do you mean that in the sense that you don't argue often? Because I can't imagine having actual positive, happy, loving thoughts about a man who ignored my wellbeing and forced himself on me. But I can imagine that I might not argue often with someone like that.

glitterystuff · 08/10/2018 10:08

0ccamsRazor

^"I too can't believe what people are saying here.

This man is sexually abusing and rapeing the Op.

Counselling with an abuser really is not recommended. I would never agree to seeing clients for joint therapy if one was abusive. No fucking way."^

This comment has made me have to rethink my initial response.

I think OccamsRazor is right.

eelbecomingforyou · 08/10/2018 10:12

Imagine if he changed his tune and didn't want any at all and never instigated, would that be better or worse?

WTF, @busybarbara? What a twattish comment. Are you saying to OP, never mind, love, you're being raped but you're lucky your h fancies you???? Jesus wept. Some people need to engage their brains before posting.

ferrier · 08/10/2018 10:17

Absolutely agree that it's too soon after birth.
Don't agree that this was rape though the op may have posted subsequently to her first post. Her first post said she was reluctant. It doesn't say she said no. If she said no or some variant of no then it was rape. If she didn't then it wasn't.

But assuming it wasn't rape, then a bit further down the line when she's recovered from giving birth then it sounds like the difference in sex drives is going to be a big issue as it was before, and that's why I said agree to counselling. I think op will actually get a lot of support in counselling for her point of view and it may help her partner, who sounds like he is otherwise a decent man, to see that his demands are unreasonable.

user14869556378 · 08/10/2018 10:22

Why not say to him you'll have sex with him if he gets up with the baby all night and then the toddler at 6am so you can catch up on your sleep and have lots of energy for sex. See how mad for it he is then

grannyscobwebs · 08/10/2018 10:24

One month since baby? Ouch!!

I'm not sure I'd jump to a rape allegation, but extremely disrespectful.

KingBobra · 08/10/2018 10:24

Medically, unless things have changed, you're not supposed to have sex until after the 6 week check to make sure that you're healing properly.

If your baby is 1 month old, you must be due a postnatal 6 week check soon? If you've not been given one, book one in - most places do it routinely. Tell your doctor about the sex life you describe, they will be able to help. (And no, your DP is not normal.)

CaMePlaitPas · 08/10/2018 10:26

OP I haven't read the whole thread so this might be a cross post but what you wrote about you having sex two weeks after giving birth has made me really sad. You shouldn't feel obliged to share your body with someone, even if that person is your husband. I'm 4 months postpartum and I'm exhausted (I've got two under two) and my body aches like that of an 80 year old- I say that to say that with five children I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Is there anywhere you can go to reflect on what you want? I just don't think I could be living with a sex obsessed 31 year old when I had 5 children myself.

Adora10 · 08/10/2018 10:26

He is one sick fuck, can't actually believe there is any response here other than telling him to fuck off as far as possible, the lady has five children, gave birth a month ago and all he can think about is getting his hole, regardless of her pain; unbelievable, sorry OP but you are going to have to stand up for yourself here and tell him to leave you alone, let him fuck off for good would be my advice.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2018 10:33

He's coercing you into sex which is rape. He's basically a disgusting excuse for a man and you need to leave him

ravenmum · 08/10/2018 10:33

It means that consent is not given freely when force or pressure or threats are used, like “if you loved me you would”
www.rasasc.org.uk/rape-2/

shuthefrontdoor · 08/10/2018 10:40

Aren't you meant to wait 6 weeks after giving birth as there's a risk of infection! He's not bothered about your health so why you should be bothered about his. I'd tell him to sort hisself out selfish twat x

NotANotMan · 08/10/2018 10:45

Coerced consent is not consent: therefore it is rape

HandlebarTash81 · 08/10/2018 10:51

Wow. His cock is more important to him that whether you’re in searing pain. That’s love. You poor thing. I hope you find some space to rest and heal.

StormTreader · 08/10/2018 10:57

Sounds like its time to introduce to him the concept of a revolutionary new technique called "wanking".

HandlebarTash81 · 08/10/2018 11:01

At the least, the episode you described evidence that your husband does not care whether you want sex when he has sex with you. Can you live with that, OP? He’s telling you that what he wants to do you overrides how you feel about it.

Pacificwander · 08/10/2018 11:13

What an unbelievable entitled arsehole your 'd'p is!
I'd love to hear his thinking on his reasoning that his sex is more important than your recovery?

" wa wa my partner had her 5th baby 4 weeks ago and I'm desperate for sex, can you believe I had to talk her in to doing it at two weeks, yeah she was in a bit of pain after but she took painkillers as for me I got mine thank fuck. I did my best though and waited 7 whole days and woke my sleep deprived partner to plead with her again to just let me have my sex. It's been a long 4 weeks for me!!! Now I've to resort to grabbing her genitals to get my sex!!"Angry

He doesn't care he simply doesn't care!
OP this isn't how it's suppose to be. Do yourself a favour and seek counselling for you to explore your options and gain strength and support as you'll get none from this self absorbed disgrace of a partner