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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and sex....

138 replies

Kookaa · 08/10/2018 08:15

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have 2 DC - 2 & 1 month.
I also have 3 school aged DC. Needless to say we’re both very tired.

Our sex life has been an ongoing problem. DP has a high sex drive and when we first got together we had a lot of sex. Things slowed down after 6 months or so.

He would bring it up every now and then saying that we never had sex and that when we did it was just rushed.... He thinks we should have sex every/every other night yet I’m happy with a couple of times a week. It was never enough/never good enough.

So he cooked for me on Saturday night. By the time it was 10 I was exhausted. We have a month old breast fed baby who wakes for feeds every couple of hrs through the night and toddler who wakes at 6am every day.

We didn’t have sex (we’d had it on Thursday!) and he was in a foul mood all day yesterday. He wouldn’t say why or even admit he was but I’m sure that’s why.

Last night I was up every couple of hours, also have a stinking cold and unwell. DP then wakes me up just before 6 by sticking his hand between my legs. I was shoved him off then 15 minutes later he tried again. I had sex reluctantly and am now really upset and angry. Firstly that he fucking woke me up and secondly that he just didn’t give a shit.

He says he’s alsways been honest about his sex drive, just wants to feel close to me. He said he feels old (he’s 31) because we sit and watch telly in the evenings rather than hopping into bed. He says he’d like us to go to counselling about it and he doesn’t want this to be it for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
Dandylie · 08/10/2018 11:35

OP I am SO angry at your partner. He is utterly despicable.

And @BusyBarbara WTAF?

Kittykat93 · 08/10/2018 12:30

Sorry op I don't like to use this word often but your husband is nothing less than a rapist. TWO weeks after giving birth you had sex which resulted in you being in agony and using painkillers? And he's still pestering you constantly for it now?? If that was a decent man he would have never expected sex that soon after birth, and would be horrified to think of you being in pain purely for his pleasure.

He's disgusting. I'm surprised you ever want to go anywhere near him.

This would be a dealbreaker for me - I would end it.

1in4FrogsIsALeapFrog · 08/10/2018 14:29

Your follow up posts make me feel ill @OP

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship and whether or not you feel he is abusing you, please believe me when I say he is.

I think he does need councilling, but I think you might too, and I agree with pp about it being separate too.

Please don’t stay with someone abusive just for financial reasons, you are worth so much more and there are support groups out there to get you the help you need x

busybarbara · 08/10/2018 16:04

I think my comment was misinterpreted, apologies. I was questioning out loud if a relationship where a DP immediately fell into the "it's no big deal, we'll worry about it later" approach to sex would be better (or not) than one where the DP is nagging about it?

He says he’s alsways been honest about his sex drive, just wants to feel close to me. He said he feels old (he’s 31) because we sit and watch telly in the evenings rather than hopping into bed.

So if he didn't feel this way and he was totally happy just watching TV and not going on about sex, would that be the person you were attracted to in the first place? Because despite the admittedly horrible way he's gone about addressing the situation, is an eventual situation where you're posting "my 40 year old DP has ED and is only interested in watching TV" in 10 years any better? If you're not sexually compatible anymore and you don't think this is going to change in the long term, why not split up?

eggstoast · 08/10/2018 17:09

Busybarbara. The op has just has a baby, I think even the most highly sexed amongst us could be forgiven for not feeling like having sex.
I’m sure even a 12 year old boy could grasp the idea that if you’ve just pushed a baby from a bodily orifice then it might be a bit tender.

The bloke is a selfish prick that couldn’t care less about the ops needs.

kaitlinktm · 08/10/2018 18:03

He says he’d like us to go to counselling about it

I would be inclined to take him up on this - and would love to hear what a counsellor says to him about wanting sex 2 weeks post partum and wanting sex every day when you are breast feeding a month old baby.

HandlebarTash81 · 08/10/2018 19:25

I’m willing to bet Barbara is male.

SidSparrow · 08/10/2018 19:37

Two words for him. Fuck and Off.

Dandylie · 08/10/2018 19:50

FFS Busybarbara, your follow-up post is just as bad as your first, you don’t get it, do you?

I too am willing to bet you’re a male.

DavedeeDozyBeakyMickandTich · 08/10/2018 19:58

He has a problem and needs to go to counseling. You shouldn't be made to feel anxious and pressured like this. Have you told him fully how this is affecting you? If he truly loves and respects you he will realise how horrendously he's behaved and seek help for what really sounds like a problem he has. It's not normal to want it so much that you practically force your partner to participate.

Teakind · 08/10/2018 20:08

busybarbara that may well be the most stupid thing I have ever read.

Op, I’m really sorry you are going through this. I think you know deep down his behaviour is not ok. You should feel supported and loved in a relationship. He is abusive and selfish and you don’t need to live with the pressure and anxiety he puts on you.

MrCrabApple · 08/10/2018 20:08

Ridiculous.

On a personal note I really hate reading things like "After the first 6 months things slowed down to sex twice a week". I have been totally shafted.

SinkGirl · 08/10/2018 20:18

This would be rape whether the OP was a month or a decade PP

However, I have to ask - are you okay physically OP? It’s recommended to wait six weeks after birth because the risk of infection is so high. Uterine infection is a real possibility. I’m worried about you physically as well as mentally.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and that you feel trapped. I would definitely call Women’s Aid Flowers

RudimentalPetal · 08/10/2018 20:26

Tell him to make use of his hands alone and you won't be manipulated into having sex with him. Men can be so needy it's sickening.

Cawfee · 09/10/2018 05:23

He woke you up for sex when you’ve been up all night with a newborn.

He’s not right. That is not right. It is not OK.

Badsurname · 09/10/2018 08:21

It sounds awful. Can't imagine having been ready for sex two months after birth let alone two weeks.

Since he is just using you as a hole to wank into I would suggest buying him a fleshlight. (Male sex toy, brace yourself if you Google!)

DancingForTheDog · 09/10/2018 09:06

I feel so sad for you reading this Flowers. Your husband needs to buy himself a sex toy to ejaculate into, rather than using you as one. With such a new baby in the house he should be doing everything in his power to make sure you are cared for and comfortable, not trying to sneak his penis inside you every waking minute!

differentnameforthis · 09/10/2018 10:21

Giving into sex is not consenting op. Why would the man who says he loves you want sex with you when you are unwilling?

differentnameforthis · 09/10/2018 10:52

Be careful with counseling, it doesn't always help and often times the counselors have very outdated views about sex and "keeping the man happy"

Her first post said she was reluctant. It doesn't say she said no. If she said no or some variant of no then it was rape. If she didn't then it wasn't. WRONG. She gave in, she relented. Relenting isn't consenting.

Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 11:00

I don’t know how you can feel guilty about your husband pestering you for sex? The usual physicians order is to wait six weeks to have intercourse after birth-he should be wracked with guilt not you! My god the only one who needs counseling here is your husband and IMO should be in prison for taping you by coercion!

Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 11:01

“Raping you”

Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 16:12

As far as the apologists on this post (you know exactly who the hell you are) who are saying “I’m not sure it’s rape” etcetera “Be glad he fancies you” how about you go to the hospital and when they bring a woman in who has been raped and traumatized just whisper in their ear “At least he fancies you” because the OP here is A RAPE VICTIM no matter if she continues to minimalize his behavior

Adora10 · 09/10/2018 16:17

That said, imagine if he changed his tune and didn't want any at all and never instigated, would that be better or worse?

OMG, can only hope you are on the piss take here.

datingdisaster41 · 09/10/2018 16:27

@BusyBarbara - I feel disgusted by your two posts..you are surely not a woman are you? Not with those horrendous and unsympathetic views?

Op - thank god you have sensible people on here to listen to. Please don't give in to your partner's pestering any longer.You need sleep and to be taken care of, having had a baby so recently.

busybarbara · 09/10/2018 20:50

You need to get out more datingdisaster. I clearly said he's lucky to be getting anything given 5 DCs and that his approach was terrible. However I also picked up on this from the OP:

He says he’s alsways been honest about his sex drive, just wants to feel close to me

He's well within his rights to feel that way while NOT being allowed to be "rapey" and I just think OP needs to give a think to whether she wants his honesty or for him to just go away if she is no longer attracted to him. If not she should say so and they should split up. This is hardly a disgusting opinion.