Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Update- have seen a solicitor who was lovely and very helpful. Am still stuck in the same position as I have been all month, need to get a few more bits together before the next step, one of which involves me seeing my GP who I can't get an appointment with till the end of next week 

So no change, however things for me look positive legally, also his idea of 50/50 access, according to my solicitor is ridiculous.

So head down, back strong I am getting there. Hopefully.

Good for you, awesmum, keep strong.

I have just caught up on the thread OP and you are being amazing. Your children will thank you for your strength later.

Sorry just jumping in to say well done you. This sounds incredibly hard but you are doing the right thing.

Small steps OP but headed in the right direction. Well done, keep that resolve going.

Am in awe - please keep strong - you are so right will be worth it for your children xx

Hi Awesmum. I am filled with admiration for you. This is really difficult stuff and I think you're handling it brilliantly. The wheels are now in motion as you have taken those first steps. All power to you and we are all rooting for you. Hope your weekend is bearable!

Just speed read your posts.
Financial, emotional coercive abuse is now a crime, can you get legal aid
A 3 year old who is cloistered by force, & who won't walk is abuse
I think you would find SS the would find this completely unacceptable.
He will NOT get 50/50 if you go to court, infact in view of his behaviour, they might not accord him any time at all. (That said, I would urgently do whatever it takes to assure you are officially primary carer, in case he does abduct DD.)
He knows you won't agree, so this is why he is asking for it.
You are married, You are entitled to half his wealth, particularly as you were there building it up from the start, & it was your employment...with or without a salary.
You are in a very strong position.
You will work through this, & you will win.

@marads I don’t think this will help reform an abusive husband though. They don’t change. OP wants to be rid of the person who is abusing her and her children.
If he does become nicely nice it will almost certainly be abusive manipulation.
No going back from this, I’m afraid.

His behaviour is escalating so I would insist on an urgent GP appt tbh!

He's still here 
And now he's threatening to have me evicted as he's 'the lead tenant' on the tenancy, I said fine do it, he said I'll call the landlord I said fine do you want me to give you the number?
He said I need to sign over the bank account so he can move out, that I am holding him up.
That he's spoken to a solicitor who can prove I stole money off him.

It's getting farcical. All this because we (the kids and I) we're sitting in the sitting room, he came up to MY room - he has his own, and said he could sit in the other conservatory (which has a tv).

Can't wait till the end of the week to see dr, going to get an emergency appointment tomorrow.

I need to email my solicitor tomorrow with my reasons for divorce.

Shaking, been terrified of him coming home tonight as I knew it was going to kick off, so been feeling sick with nerves.

You dont sign the account over to him, you close it.
The stolen money thing is a weird thing to say and i cant imagine will get him anywhere.

Everything he’s telling you is utter nonsense OP. Don’t believe a word of it.
Don’t sign anything.
He can’t take you off the tenancy because he’s your husband and it is effectively the marital home for you and dc.
If he kicks off you should phone the police and they will remove him.

Sign nothing.
as PP said, he can't get you evicted. Idiot,

If he says that again just laugh at him. He’s a bullying twat.
A solicitor is not going to try to prove anything either.
Remember, his money is your money too and you can’t steal what is effectively family money.

Keep plugging away OP. You are doing exactly the right thing, when he’s trying to call your bluff, such as the tenancy, call it back, as you did. It takes his power away. I remember my ex saying he was going for 50/50 custody of the dc, I said great, will give me chance to get to the gym, have a better career and cut my childcare in half. Needless to say he then back tracked somewhat.

The only thing I’d not do, as I’m sure you didn’t, I’d sign anything such as bad accounts etc. All that can go via your solicitors

He is such a dick!
Keep your chin up sweetie! Xxx

He followed it up with a text 'I just want everything to be nice and us to sit reasonably and sort things out' no doubt for solicitor, so I responded with how nice he is via text and threatening in person. He responded with he wasn't that I am shouting and aggressive. That's fine fuckwit doesn't realise DD recorded him.
He's a manipulative piece of shit and I truly wish I'd never laid eyes on the waste of space. He is truly making it easy to hate him. For that I am grateful.

he's threatening to have me evicted as he's 'the lead tenant' on the tenancy

Just to reiterate that being lead tenant just means that person is first point of contact for the landlord and regarding all things at the end of the tenancy including the deposit.

This does not mean he has more rights than you if you are joint tenants.

The only way he could get you evicted is by reneging on the tenancy agreement so both of you are evicted by the landlord (along with jointly being responsible for costs which could be reclaimed by the landlord from both or either one of you) or by him giving the landlord notice. Either of you could give notice and that would end the tenancy for both of you. It would then be up to the landlord whether they decided to issue a new tenancy agreement for just one of you.

It would be prudent to advise the landlord that you are separating and therefore need to be informed in your own right of anything tenancy related. The danger is that your ex could give notice without your knowledge and lay claim to the full deposit. I wouldn’t put it past him to do his best to try to fuck you over, make your life as hard as possible, and not pass on any relevant communication from your landlord.

Thank you for that @Joysmum, that's put my mind at rest quite somewhat. I have been the only one to have any contact with the landlord via phone or in person. I think STBXH only met him 2 times, while looking around and one key hand over. The only other contact was when we had some work done and STBXH had a go at the workman (landlords friend). I have always had a good relationship with the landlord so I think if he did I would get a phone call (especially as I spoke to the landlord last week about some work needing doing).
As soon as he's gone / going I will inform the landlord.

STBXH also said in text ' I know you're going or have gone to court to get an occupation order using domestic violence. He made no denial about it.

Glad you feel reassured but just stop engaging with all his shit. That will give you power back and have the added bonus of really winding him up. Don't text back. Don't answer. Just let him rage and snipe dig his own holes.

You are incredibly strong. Keep going! My only concern is safety - you say you feel threatened- I’m so sorry I don’t know enough about this but seems crazy that police etc can’t get him to leave if you feel physically threatened? Can they not speed things up. Thinking of you 💐

I know you're going or have gone to court to get an occupation order using domestic violence How does he know ?
Have you thought to stop any shared cloud or WhatsApp/fb. can he see your messages on his iPad for example? has he got "find my phone" for your phone?
As this moves forward, he will start spying if he isn't already, so essential to change all your passwords, phone, computer, bank.

He could have a key logger and monitoring everything or he could just be reading this thread here...