Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Did women’s Aid manage to get the occupation order?

Good morning OP. Just to say hope you are ok and wish I was there to make you a nice breakfast. Stop engaging with the STBX. And remember you will soon be rid of him. Sending hugs.

A few points you may want to raise with your solicitor.

1. Have you really resigned from work or do you have a claim of constructive dismissal or something similar with regards to breakdown of relationship/abuse affecting ability to work there/being forced out?

1. Does the company not form part of the estate which you will be entitled to or at least leveraged against?

1. What access to funds do you have?

1. The ignoring of the other children. I would raise this. How long have the other children been in his life - I’m assuming at least 4 years. To be living in same house, being in same room or locking you all out of the sitting room whilst in there with ‘his’ child, not speaking to them; I believe the courts would look very dimly on this.

Dreadful for future sibling relationships.

How does he know that op? Does he know you use mn?

Just RTWT and so impressed by you, awemum. You may not feel like it, but you come across as so clear headed and determined. Your DC will thank you for this. Just keep keeping on, you

Why did know one tell me your heart breaks even when you know you're making the right decision and ultimately I will be happy but that this process is so painful?

Still plugging on, been in tears today, feeling so low about everything. I know it will get better and I keep holding on to the positive things in mine and the children's future. It does hurt though.

I have been doing some sorting of stuff I have been putting off, such as the garden as I didn't know what was happening with the house. But it's looking like he's going, just as to when is the question.

A huge thank you to all you lovely people. Your support means so much to me I can't express.

💐💐💐💐👍💐

I've never had to do what you're doing. My challenges have been different. But I'm not at all surprised that you're finding it very painful.

You married this man with high hopes. You had a baby together. And now you're facing the death of those hopes and you're stepping into the unknown. You hoped this marriage would bring happiness and security not only for yourself but your DC. Grief is inevitable.

But I have read what your STBXH says to you, and how he treats you and all three DC. You are absolutely right to end this marriage, and doing so will teach your older DC a very valuable lesson: that people don't put up with being treated like rubbish.

Your tiny DD will not be exposed to a family setup in which her DM and siblings are put down and insulted.

These early days are bound to be difficult, even harrowing. But you will get past this. Once you are no longer living with this horrible man things will get better.

Please accept a virtual hug or, if you recoil from hugs, a friendly pat on the shoulder.

I'll take the hug thank you, I am very much in need of one of those at the moment.

I'll get there, I know it takes time.

I'm sure you will get there, Awemum. Being able to refer back to all his miserable texts and the unkind things he's said to you, the unkind (in different ways) way he's treated each of the DC - they will spur you on.

And to give you confidence you've got all the posts on this thread, endorsing and encouraging you. Everyone is on your side.

Not going to lie I am really really struggling at the moment. I have been on he verge of crying and saying let's sort this out, I really wanted to climb into bed and have a cuddle with him last night.

I know every time I think through this logically it won't work:
He's ignored the kids who he professed to love and care about for 6 weeks.
He's made no attempt or indication he's sorry or would change.
He's told everyone how I never listen to him and this is the reason we have issues.
He's been so selfish with his demands and expectations of how this is going to happen.
If I think about the day to day life before I told him to leave I remember how truly unhappy I was. How anxious I felt when one of the kids did something or wanted something.
How I had to ask permission and have hours of conversations about having people over to the house, including my family and how anxious I felt building up courage to ask.
Not being able to make any decisions about my own life, with out consulting then hours of conversations about it, even just going out.
Not being able to organise to meet up with my friends, even on the weekends and he was busy, because he wanted me to watch him coach.
Not being able to watch the shit I like on tv.
Not being able to read whilst in front of the tv.
Being able to breath at whatever loudness my body chooses.
To be able to sit with my mouth open if I choose.
Being able to fiddle with my hair / necklace or any other thing in my vicinity I choose (I am not a madly fidgety person)
To be able to cross and uncross my legs.
To be as loud as I like.
To swear if I want.
To not be permanently excited or smiley and if I am not be accused of being sulking or cross or upset.
To cry if I want.

That was cathartic.

I just don't want to be talked about, all the gossip of us splitting. Him slagging me off and blaming me. Sitting there in 6 months thinking I messed up.

I know 100% I will be happy without him and just need to get through this. I am 90% I will be unhappy staying with him.

I just didn't want to be here.

But he won't change. I threw myself 100% into making it work, he didn't, he just kept telling me everything I had done wrong, then blaming me when he wouldn't stop going on at me.

I will get there. I am just struggling and would like to turn my brain off for a bit.

You loved him so it will definitely hurt and it will take time to move on, regardless of how abusive he was.
Think of it this way - you're not grieving the loss of him, you're grieving the loss of the man you hoped he could be and the family life you craved for.
He will never change.

You are 100% doing the right thing and we are all beside you, cheering you on.

Keep on keeping on op, you will get there

Think of it this way - you're not grieving the loss of him, you're grieving the loss of the man you hoped he could be and the family life you craved for. He will never change.

Mrstobe90 is right.

Reading your most recent post is horrifying. Chilling. These details of his fine tuned coercion are beyond belief.

Being able to breath at whatever loudness my body chooses.
To be able to sit with my mouth open if I choose.
To be able to cross and uncross my legs.

This man - your life - sound like a nightmare. I'm amazed he hasn't driven you stark staring mad. The sooner you all get free the better. There is no possible excuse for this man's behaviour.

You will feel so much better with him out of your home.

@awesmum sending you a massive hug and just to let you know that you are not alone.

I've ended my marriage to my alcoholic H, he is also emotionally abusive and and entitled tosser.... But the reality of what I've done has me feeling like running back to him and apologising for being the one to end it!!

It's ridiculous, and makes no common sense, but our brains kick into fight or fight mode because we're human.
Like you, I know that I can be happy and myself again.

Sending you strength, we got this

*fight or flight, I meant...

You are mourning the relationship you never had. It's the same as a bereavement in the way you'll through stages of emotions.

There are a lot of Mumsnet vipers behind you cheering you on, and offering you a hand to hold

Fight or Fight can be pretty useful too though... But exhausting.
to all the tough women on MN who are doing the best thing for themselves and their DCs and getting rid of the dead wood in their lives.

Thank you all, without your support and encouragement I know I would have caved/ gone mad/ given up / given in.

I am still second guessing myself, having had 8 years of someone telling you you're wrong or questioning your actions and intentions leaves you completely unsure of your own abilities and thoughts. Being able to fully express myself to you is invaluable as I can sort through my own thoughts.

@Tiddleypops I am sorry you're going through this, it's so tough. I know what you mean about the guilt, but you're right, we do have this. 

@WitchDancer it's this Mumsnet vipers that's keeping going.

@pointythings that's my inspiration, and to be an example to my DC.

Thank you all, without your support and encouragement I know I would have caved/ gone mad/ given up / given in.

You know you have our support, Awesmum. You're doing the only reasonable thing in response to his treatment of you. No one should put up with anything even approaching what this bastard's doing to you all.

He may think he has a right to treat you and your DC like this. He doesn't and no court will agree with him. He'll be shocked to find out just how strong you are.

Things are getting mean now. For instance on Friday evening the children and I were watching tv together, DD(2) was wandering between us and him, he kept shutting the door on her and she kept saying it's locked and he had to keep opening it. I had to go and pick up one of the other children and we all went to bundle out chatting away, he shouts after me 'I haven't seen her all day leave her here.' So I did and she cried to come. Then Saturday (my day with her) I was dressing her, he was knocking on the door calling her, which ended up with her crying to leave, I said there was no need to upset her, to which he again started shouting about how he's that dad and I am a bad mum- to her, how I tried to drag her out into the freezing cold in the middle of the night . So off she trotted to play in the same room as the children and I and in a strop he left the house.
Today he asked me if I could give her breakfast and dress her as he was taking her out all day. I asked, as I always do if I was feeding her dinner, and if not could she be home early enough so I can give her her medicine. He returned home I bathed her, he was hanging around downstairs till she came out of the bedroom, and when she did he tried to take her, I said his stock phrase of 'I haven't seen her all day.' He says this to me daily, as to why he has her in the sitting room. Anyway I got the filthiest look and then the whole 'Sorry, mummy says you can't come, I know you want to, but mum says no'.

I can't believe how petty he's being. My eldest DD has pointed out the reason she initially stopped seeing her F is he kept slagging me off.

I am going to have to look at alternatives to staying, with him moving out. I don't believe for a second he's looking to move out. I cannot remain like this. He walks in the house and the same room as the other children and completely blanks them.

Wow! What a petulant, pathetic child he is. No...children have more manners!

He needs putting straight and soon but I don't know what to suggest.
Is there any way you can speak to a solicitor about advice on getting him out?
In the worst case scenario, would you be able to move with the children?

I think his dynamic with DD2 is really, I dunno, weird. Is anyone else finding his need to be shut in rooms alone with her rather odd?

@BitOutOfPractice it is odd, he was like it with me too, and wanted to and tried to exclude my other children. It's like 'This is my toy and you can't share.' Sort of thing. Hence me loosing all my friends etc. In his little bubble he creates he's very nice and spoils you, but so long as it all goes his way, if you don't then that's where the trouble starts.

He's still playing mind games with me and trying to manipulate me. Now suggesting if I sign over the account he'll leave in 3 weeks. I don't believe a word of it to be fair, which puts me in a real predicament, I don't want to be here with him at Christmas - that will be horrible. But I don't want to get to 3 weeks time to find out he's been lying to me about leaving. I am going to speak to my solicitor to see what can be done by way of assurances he's going. If not I need to find a way out of here. I can't have him shouting at me all holidays in front of the children.

Don't sign over the account on the promise that he will move out. In fact, don't sign it over at all unless a solicitor advises you to. You'd be giving him all the cards and leaving yourself in an extremely vulnerable position.