Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

It sounds like you're being more than reasonable! Well done you

OP - custody should be sorted out by a judge. All this '3 days here, 5 at yours' is confusing and disruptive to a child. Custody should be in the best interests of the CHILD not him! Go to court. Don't let him demand anything regarding your child. It's not up to him.

IF the court decide 50/50 then you sit down and work out what's best for the child. I bet the court wouldn't go for 50/50 anyway, as he is proven to not know one end of a child from the other, and doesn't act in their best interests.

He's refused anyway. Suggesting he has her full time. I have told him to stop sending vitriolic messages. Solicitor is booked but can't be seen till the end of next week.

He'll never agree to anything. All offers are of the table. He keeps talking about it being fair to him. He completely seems to have forgotten she's a human being with rights herself.
I now have a diary of how much time he's spending with her since I told him to leave, it averages 1 day during the week 1 at the weekend and a couple of evenings when he traps her in the sitting room.

Forgot to mention, this morning DD woke up at 4am, I gave up trying to get her to sleep at 6pm, so we sat in my bed with the tv on, we then both feel asleep, at 7.30am he comes into my bedroom and just stares for about 3/4 minutes! Don't know if it was at her but properly creeped me out.

Op - I know it's hard but you shouldn't be even communicating with him if he is being controlling and abusive like this.

And the taking your youngest to sit with him in the front room; what's that about? Does she want it? Does she have a choice? It raises my hackles that he is in there alone with her. It just seems odd to me, and potentially abusive in more ways than one.

I'm glad you are seeing a solicitor - shame you have to wait so long.

Oh and he won't get her full time. Even the moaning about it not being 'fair to him' means that he is unlikely to get full time - it's all about him, not her. As I said, custody should be in HER interests, not his. 'Fair' or not.

I have said no more communication. I stand by that. I have copies of all texts, which say the start day he wants her 50/50 and he hasn't moved from that at all except to say he'll have her full time. I have given a few other alternatives, all of which he's turned down. He's saying I am not flexible and it's all my way or nothing. Which is laughable as it's him.

I am getting incessant texts! I had forgotten over the last few weeks how and not speaking to him how relentless it is! How draining and demoralising it is!

I never cease to be amazed at the number of guys that I genuinely feel do this to ‘get at/spite’ anyone who dares to want to split up with them. In real life I haven’t met too many men who genuinelycwere so into parenting that they were obsessed with equal splits, in every case I’ve encountered it has been where the woman wants the split

Please be careful OP. He sounds like he thinks of your dd as 'his' - and that is not good. Don't let her out of your sight.

And the first hint of trouble/revenge against the 'unfairness' - get out of there.

How is it going now?

@ScabbyHorse thank you for asking.

The atmosphere in the house is horrendous, he hasn't spoken to either of my DD's since before the beginning of the month. He will walk into a room we are in and just stand there.

There's no negotiation with him, so I am not bothering, I am waiting till I see the solicitor at the end of next week to get something sorted as we cannot continue like this it's horrible.

Again he walked into my bedroom this morning without knocking that's a week on the trot. I did say 'Erm excuse me I could be changing' he doesn't give a shit, picked up DD2 gave her a cuddle and carried on standing there for a bit!

Get some of those door stopper wedge things for a start.

Can you put a lock on the bedroom door ?

@bagpiss - exactly my thoughts! I did put a door stop on it last night but he pushed past it!

The easiest thing to fit is a simple hook and eye. Fit it to the very top of the door so the kids can’t trap themselves and it’s unobtrusive when you remove it.

Your update makes for very uncomfortable reading OP. The silence, the staring, the pushing his way into your bedroom. I really think you need to get out of there as soon as possible or have him removed. And keep your children away from him, he sounds seriously disturbed. Please stay vigilant and stay safe.

Apparently unless I agree to everything he says he's going to call the police on me and tell them I stole money from the business- money which I paid our household bill with.

I really don't know why to do anymore. I am thinking of going to the police tomorrow - can they, will they do anything?

He's following me around the house shouting at me that I have to agree. What am I meant to do?

He's again taken DD2 into the sitting room and shut the door. Hopefully all quiet. I am stuck.

If he is threatening you, call the police.

Police I think.....

Awesmum, I am finding your updates very disturbing, the taking away of your youngest is also disturbing.
Please get out asap!

Police NOW. Is there anywhere safe you can go?

Once you get the little one out of the lounge phone police. it’s accelerating and will only get worse.

I’m fearing for your safety here and the children.