Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Don’t worry he is digging himself a large hole. He is a fool and this won’t go down well when you head to court. He is showing himself for what he is..... his primary motivation is to target you and cause distress. Nothing to do with his DC. So sit back and let him continue digging

I'm so angry for you! What a complete asshole he is!!!!

I can't believe all you've been through and done. You're amazing. Think how much better it is for all your DC! Definitely get evidence together about where you were at the time you were supposedly driving his car. How's getting unhinged, or rather, even more unhinged, and hopefully he'll show his true colours to the court and police any minute .

I'd report the PayPal fraud and the giving false details to the police. You are going to need to prove your innocence. So sorry your going through this.

I've said it before, you are Awesome.......
He is doing as much as he can to "harm" you. It is of course deliberate "harassment"
Please report the fraud to the police, & while you are there, tell them he is also lying on the speeding ticket

Can you get a new phone? Even if it's a cheap payg one. It would probably be better in the long run not to have your own contract. If the old one is in the business name that might give him access to things you don't want him to have. I know with our family plan we can see what numbers the other has called if we want to.

I don't get the speeding ticket thing (I'm in the US). How could he give your details to the officer that pulled him over?

Get in touch with your solicitor, update the situation.

This is a bump in the road. You knew he was going to be a twat. But when the dust settles, he's going to be left in the middle of the road with his trousers round his ankles!

@AcrossthePond55 he will have been caught by a speed camera and potentially just the number plate of the car will have been pulled up on the system so you can claim someone else was driving depending on if the shot was front or rear of the vehicle. He would have been sent a letter rather than spoken to an officer in person.

AcrossthePond55
The speeding ticket is likely to be from a speeding camera. It captures the licence plate details and then a letter is sent to the registered keeper. They can claim that someone else was driving.
As has been said elswhere, him putting the OP forward for the fine is actually a criminal offence. Whether the police/CPS actually do anything about that is another matter.

pashazade didn't mean to cross post, it took me longer to type my message than I planned..

Thanks! I didn't know about speeding cameras. We have red light cameras, but I've never seen a speeding one here. The red light cameras usually have a pretty good shot of the driver, so hopefully the speeding one does too! What a jackass he is.

I can’t believe I am reading this, and I have read the whole thread.
Good luck going forward

Decision time with regards to my phone, he's not handing over the pac code for my phone to my solicitor in fact he's ignoring it completely. I have a new phone turning up today with a new number. Do I keep the new number and change ALL connected to it - benefits he won't have the number, negatives I have had the same number for 14+ years and everyone knows it. I would then have to get either a 'twat' phone that I can use just for him - pain up the bum having 2 phones on me, charging them etc all the time. Question- if you use a co-parenting app do they have to have your number? If not solved that issue.

I need to sort this asap as on Friday I lost my daughter (11) for 45 minutes as she couldn't get in contact with me to tell me she'd been super sensible and gone to a friends house when I got stuck in traffic after work. Awful 45 minutes for me, but she was fine. So I can't be left in the same position again.

I just really don't want to give up my number just because he's an arse hole.

Denying you the PAC code evidences how he is losing control. It's a pain but I'd go with the new number and only give it out to trusted people. Set up a twat email and he can contact you through that, yes it's a bit of a pain but then you have an evidence trail.
Take the power away from him.

Having an extra phone really isn’t a pita. I had 2 phones for years.. one for work, one for social. You get used to it very quickly, just get a cheap pay as you go one for him.

Go with the new number for your trusted friends/fam and the twat phone/twat email option.

My X was the most ENORMOUS pain in the arse (they sound very similar), throwing up obstacles about absolutely everything. Like you, I just went around them. Drove him nuts. :)

OMG, he's bonkers.
It's all just making himself look a total idiot though! None of it is successful, because you are super strong. Love the lovely new bedroom update

I have one of these (unhinged STBXH. Mine is an alcoholic and not quite as nasty as yours yet, although his colours are starting to show). Reading your posts really helps me too

When you go to court you can evidence his behaviour and ask for a psych assessment for him as he is continually proving he cannot act in his DD best interests due to his ongoing campaign of abuse, I would say that you feel DD is at risk of parental alienation...

You sound really strong Awesmum . That might not be how you're feeling, but your resilience and resolve are shining through!

Getting a new number is a pain, but it might prove to be a nice clean break.

Hope you're still enjoying your new job and that the DCs are thriving.

Keep going, you are doing amazingly

You could say, "I need the code as I am replacing my phone, if you don't provide it you will no longer have my number" ?

Unfortunately I don't think he would care.

Unfortunately they always turn things round. DP was advised by police and solicitor to block his exw on everything except email because of her harassment. That somehow became his fault. Go figure, as they say.

May as well keep the old number. Because of child access, you'd probably end up having to give him your new number anyway. You don't want him using 'I have no way of getting in touch with her' as his excuse to keep DD or mess about with pick up/drop off times.

But I wouldn't rush to tell him you've activated the new phone.

awesmum Get a 'dual SIM' phone where you have your old SIM in one slot and the new SIM in the other. Two SIMs (numbers) in one handset. I've had one of these for many years for other reasons, but they work great.

Not sure about the UK but I buy a $2 Prepaid SIM which gives me a new number and only put the lowest amount of credit on that SIM to keep it active. My 'old' number (like yours) is one I've had for yonks.

Hope this helps? first post on your thread but have been reading from the start and wish you nothing but happiness once this crazy person is out of your life. ;-)

Update - he's refusing to give me the PAC code. And I have just read the CAfcass report for court and ha ha ha ha ha ha such lies!! And all provable too! Twat!!

I had a dream last night that he was in the house and was asking us to get back together, I held his hand and asked him 'what will change?' And he said 'Nothing, I haven't done anything wrong.' I said 'what about the children and how you treat them?' And he said 'let me explain to you ...' in my dream a was pulling away desperately trying to stop the lecture and tried to pull myself out of the dream. I woke up terrified.
I couldn't get back to sleep in case I dreamt about him again and being back there.

I have not cried this year in despair and sadness as I did daily whilst with him.
Since the court - I have not panicked the front door opening. I have not panicked that I would say or do the wrong thing. I have not panicked that the kids may say or do the wrong thing. I have not worried that my children will leave home and never come back. I am sleeping better. I feel brighter, taller and clearer in my head. I don't think about him first thing in the morning and how the day will go or how to conduct myself or the children. I don't panic about him going through my phone / drawers even though there is nothing untoward in there, but know whatever he finds will lead to a lecture. I don't panic about buying myself or the kids a treat. I don't panic he's eaten all the food in the house. I don't panic he's locked the freezer so the kids can have dinner. I don't panic that he'll put someone down and have a devastating affect on thief mental well-being.

I don't panic anymore.

I have read his lies and laughed.

That's for the update if just checked to see how the weekend went. You're doing so well, safer and stronger every day and more and more in control.