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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

965 replies

awesmum · 05/10/2018 09:12

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

OP posts:
ChristmasFlary · 28/01/2019 18:41

All good news.

What happens now with contact for your youngest?

How long has he got to return the keys?

Mrsmummy90 · 28/01/2019 18:42

You're doing so well! I'm so proud of you.
I'm so happy he's given his keys back and isn't allowed near you.

This is a fantastic update! I was wondering how you were today so lovely to see this. Xxx

HazelBite · 28/01/2019 20:19

So pleased to read your update Flowers

IroningMan · 28/01/2019 23:32

I've just read this through and wow what a journey. You are an incredibly strong woman. I hope he faces harsh consequences for his actions. So glad to hear you are all doing well.

Suresurelah · 29/01/2019 02:12

Glad it went well and that your DC are starting to heal x

toddle · 29/01/2019 03:47

Have just seen this on the active page and read your thread. You have done amazing. I'm gobsmacked how hard this journey has been for you with limited help available. I am so thrilled to see your last post that things are starting to look up

Babyblade · 29/01/2019 09:16

This update has made my day Flowers

MadeInCornwallx3 · 29/01/2019 09:40

I'm another one who has seen this thread and read the whole thing.

The way you have gone about things and put your children first is outstanding. You all will have a bright future because of your bravery.

Any of these so called 'friends' who have fallen for his lies should be emailed a link to this thread!

Mix56 · 29/01/2019 11:03

Awesmum, that is such a brilliant update.
Just reread a few of your earliest posts, you were so hurt & beaten down. remember his devious behaviour & control with small DD.
No you do NOT love that bastard, believe me.

Original poster
awesmum · 29/01/2019 14:42

Thank you everyone.

I think court yesterday was a defining moment as it well and truly puts a full stop on the relationship. I think the 'love' I feel is actually hurt that I love someone and they see no issue with their behaviour and no thought to change it. I have never wanted anything more than kindness and respect for me and my children, not much to ask, you would have thought. There's not been moment of 'I can change' from him. He denied all the abuse in court, which doesn't surprise me. But saddens me that he will never see the harm he did.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2019 16:58

The court outcome is wonderful. And so is your own 'personal' outcome. You have broken the chain that has held you to 'what if' and 'If only'. You've let go of the dream of what you thought might be and you're now living in what is.

You are a wonderful, caring mum who is obviously putting her children first and letting them find their own way with their relationship with their father.

You are a true star!

BeUpStanding · 29/01/2019 23:21

Yay! What a brilliant update. So, so, so pleased that you had support in court and that it all worked out for you. Sounds like the DC are doing really well too. Bloody well done you.

It's completely understandable and ok that you feel hurt and saddened by his behaviour and how things panned out. Let yourself grieve, and then let it go. You and your DC have a bright future ahead!

How is your job going? Still enjoying it?

Weenurse · 01/02/2019 21:45

Great update.
I am glad the children are building relationships and repairing themselves.
He still sounds like an arsehole.

Original poster
awesmum · 02/02/2019 08:48

@AcrossthePond55 thank you for all your support. I am very much trying to be the best mum I can be, I know I have made many mistakes but I have always had their best interests at heart.

@BeUpStanding I am loving my job, and my boss seems pleased with me, it was meant to be a job share, but it appears I am that efficient they don't need the other person! They have also talked about expanding my role and training me up for more stuff.

On Wednesday after court I was feeling a little weepy, and missing him ... until I was sat at work and had a phone call for my solicitor asking if he could have DD3 after nursery till Friday- we have agreed contact till next week, this is my first weekend with her since before Christmas and my first ever full weekend with her ever without him sharing it. I was short with 'No, contact has been agreed.' It was just what I needed to bring me out of the 'woe is me!' @Disfordarkchocolate - you were very right!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/02/2019 08:57

Hope you have a lovely weekend!

Clutterbugsmum · 02/02/2019 09:28

Have a good weekend with your children.

Well done for saying NO to him, the only way you will have some peace is to stick to the terms of the contact agreement to the letter. Because anytime you give him an inch he will take a mile.

Mrsmummy90 · 02/02/2019 09:32

Have a great weekend with your children! Xxx

feelingfree17 · 02/02/2019 10:37

I think you are a total inspiration to anyone who might be in the same position as you. You have dug deep and kept on going. Congratulations on the job and the positive feedback and appreciation from your boss will do wonders for the self esteem he tried so hard to totally destroy. You will fly and he will be the loser. Enjoy your lovely children and here’s to a very happy life x

Kitkatmonster · 02/02/2019 11:33

Just RTFT. Wow you are amazing. Well done, keep battling awesmum. You are an inspiration.

Thehop · 02/02/2019 12:23

I’m doing a little dance, I’m so proud of what you’ve managed!

Mrsmummy90 · 05/02/2019 14:16

How are you doing OP? Xx

Original poster
awesmum · 05/02/2019 17:48

@Mrsmummy90 thank you for asking. I have really enjoyed the lack of pressure over the last few weeks of access being sorted. Back to arguing over access again now, I have said maintain the routine that we have had over the last 3/4 weeks he's kicked up a fuss and refusing. I fed more certain my suggestion is fair after speaking to Cafcass today with regard to court and them agreeing that my offer for access with DD3 is in fact very generous. I didn't do too much of how evil he was to me as it's about his access to her it me. But she has the basics. She's said if he agrees in court it will be one visit, but if he doesn't it will involve statements, interviews etc etc. I know right now he will NOT agree {redacted} is the most obstructive confrontational person I know.
So I am expecting a long drawn out court case Hmm.
But as for now tomorrow I am going to have to deal with the solicitors arguing over the next few weeks.

Oh on a side note he had till today to return my car key - or he's breaching the court order - guess what .... no key!! Twat!

Identifying information, edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/02/2019 18:01

Well he is showing his true colours to the courts so early on...

Mrsmummy90 · 05/02/2019 23:03

He is possibly the most difficult man that ever existed! For yours and your dd's sake, I hope you get full custody.

If he's breached the court order, what does that mean for him? Could he get fined/arrested?

Mix56 · 06/02/2019 07:35

You have a double to the key ? or does this mean no car ?

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