Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Hey @awesmum hope your weekend was ok - still here for a handhold should you need it

I second contacting solicitor with a well throughout agreement.

Days, Times, places. Birthdays of siblings etc her birthday, yours and his. Father's Day, Mother's Day. Don't just think for now think for the future. So currently from nursery. Then preschool. So word it: from end of nursery day/preschool or school day until start of nursery day/preschool or school day.

Try and work out how to minimise contact as far as possible and in as permanent as way as possible. Remove yourself from contact. All contact by email 48 h in advance. Over 1 hour late no contact etc. Make it reasonable but massively proscriptive.

I'm sorry this doesn't seem to be getting any easier yet- you are doing an amazing job. Has he signed the sodding house paperwork yet?!

How are you doing OP?

Update
Hello people

He has signed the paperwork!! He is officially off the tenancy on Friday!

I received a call today from the bailiffs wanting his work details as they wanted to serve him with the non-molestation order, I gave them his address, he asked if he owned his own business. The bailiffs response to this 'How does that nasty piece of work run a business?' Apparently he'd tried to call him before he called me to ask if he could go to his office, and apparently he let rip with his normal vitriol of abuse.
I told the bailiff that he did have my daughter in the afternoon, he said not to worry that he most certainly would not be visiting him without police presence after the phone call.

I actually rang the bailiff later in the afternoon to apologise.

I will now admit to being terrified of confronting him in court especially as he'll have his solicitor there. I can't afford to have my solicitor present, but Women's Aid maybe able to accompany me, so fingers crossed, but they can't come into the actual court.

I am really shocked that he's been informed because I requested that it was done without him there, I understand that people could take advantage of it, but the procedure allows them 2 weeks after the court date to appeal it.

So not sure whether I can go through with it, he's out the house, hand over is outside the police station, he only speaks to my solicitor, I have a police alert on the house. I know I would crumble.

What are you going to court for?

Non-molestation order and originally occupation order, but he's now signed off the tenancy, so it's just the non-molestation part of it.

I thought if they were serving it then it had already been granted? I guess this is notice that it's going to court???

Well he would have to be extremely stupid to kick off in the court building?

He is a nasty abusive bully, game face on and remember how far you have come!

I think the non-mol is important enough to go. He won't dare kick off in front of the judge. And once the non-mol is approved (assume that happens during the hearing) then if he harasses/intimidates you after the hearing he is subject to arrest.

Just get someone (WA, a friend, a relative) to accompany you to the courtroom and wait for you outside (if they aren't allowed in). Hell, I'd do it but I'm in the US!! I think he's too much of a coward to approach you if there is a witness.

Don't worry about him kicking off in court, I doubt he would, bullies don't usually kick off at people who have more power than them and if he were stupid enough to it would be dealt with quickly and severely.
Judges or even magistrates are very much in control of their courtrooms, they don't brook nonsense.

Keep going. In the future you may really wish you had gone to court. Even years down the line it's usually evidence of poor behaviour.

I'm so happy to hear that he's going to be off the tenancy!!

You are doing great! Keep going one day at a time. You're so close to winning the war!

Stay strong xxxx

I went into family court myself and my ex was sat with his solicitor. He had lied and made up rubbish and the judge saw right through him and even his solicitor looked shocked. The judge was brilliant with me as I was on my own and helped me through the process.

Do not be nervous about going to court on your own.
Make sure that you stay calm, and only speak when you are supposed to
ie don,t interrupt anyone
Make sure anything you assert/say is supported by actual evidence that you can show the Judge.
You may be able to take someone with you but unless they are legally allowed "audience" with the Judge they will not be allowed to speak.
Be polite to court staff (any off hand behaviour to staff is noticed (believe me))
I'm sure you will be fine just remember that the Judge is a human being, like we all are.
You have some tough challenging things to cope with ahead of you, but, I'm sure, with the strength you have shown in the past, you will cope admirably.
Good Luck

My exh used to intimidate me in court when he thought no one was looking but he finally got caught out himself with a fantastic judge who saw right through his controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour.

It was such a relief - going to court always pushed me deep back into the fear I felt when I was living with him.

Luck was on my side too when at a later date the same judge presided over the financial proceedings. Exh didn't even turn up for that one. I felt like I was walking on air.

Think of that image of all the strong women standing right up beside and behind you.

I’ve just read this whole thread and just wanted to say you are incredibly brave and strong and I sincerely hope that things work out for you and your family.

Don’t be nervous about going to court in your own, judges are intelligent people and they will ensure you don’t get bullied. In fact it could go in your favour of your ex or ex solicitor are aggressive or try to bully you. However I doubt they would as the judge would hand them their arse if they tried anything.

Just checking in to see how things are going. I don't have any advice that hasn't been said by PP, but wanted you to know this random woman on the internet is thinking about you and wishing you well. Keep going awesmum, you're amazing

Hey. Feeling exhausted today. Just got back from court, I was sent to the wrong place initially which turned out to be massively fortuitous as I met a couple of people who were there with the Community Law Service, who act as a friend, have legal knowledge but can't speak for you in court.
So I wasn't alone facing him and his Barrister, she was great because she told me when to ask for what I wanted and reminded me what it was. I have 25m distance restriction and no direct contact, no intimidation, bullying and return of my house keys and car keys. He tried to argue with the judge that I had he's stuff so must have a key. He was told in no uncertain terms 'No'.

It was hard facing him as I still love him - I can't believe I just said that. But I know he's mean, vindictive, cruel, controlling and narcissistic. He was even horrible in court. I know I am mourning the what if. And I am glad I have some security now but it hurts no less. Bastard!

Well done, KOKO

I'm so relieved to see your update. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get there in the end. You're doing so well and don't worry about still loving him, he'll squash that soon enough the way he is going.

Brilliant news .

How are the kids doing OP?

@HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas DD18 is doing well, she's still concerned Asti what to do if he confronts her. But she's getting better day by day. She's starting to learn to trust which s great. DS is doing better. He's speaking to his lecturer at college who is also a councillor, and we've had some chats. They are managing to bring him out of himself and encourage him to have faith and belief In himself.
DD11 I had a chat with this weekend, explaining to her again that if she wants to see him she will be fully supported because my interest is her happiness and she must follow her heart as to what she wants to do, and as long as she's following her heart then I will happily support any decision she makes. She's still not interested in seeing him, but that may in time change.
Littlest one is building a relationship with her biggest sister - this wasn't encouraged by him. But they had an afternoon out together at a indoor play ground to build on it. They both loved it.
We're all getting there.

Great news Awesmum

Sounds like you're all coming through the beginning, middle and end of the end and out the other side. Now you're onto the beginning of a whole new better beginning for everyone.

Great up date OP. I would be feeling very proud of myself if I were you.