Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Well done on the job OP. Brilliant news. I hope you get it sorted for the weekend

I'm so pleased the job started well, and that you are able to now speak out and stick up for you and your family.

So glad you're job is going well!

You're doing great! I hope that he leaves you alone! Stay safe xx

Glad you're enjoying your new job.

I can't believe his solicitor even kept him as a client if he threatened you and DD!

I agree with RandomMess - it can't hurt to get an opinion from NSPCC on calling SS on him.

I can’t believe what you have been through, that you have managed to stay quite positive. Well done 💐

Surely if you were advised to the hand over at a police station and he’s now threatening you and your older DC, the police can do something now?

Maybe call 101 as well as the NSPCC for advise?

Glad the job is a success, does he know about it ?
He really shouldn't have access in my opinion, from your former description of how he sequestrated, wouldn't let her walk, fed her crap, kept up late, etc.
This should be relayed to NSPCC if you call them.

He gets worse and worse. Threats via solicitors !!!

Keep your chin up OP.

And so the obligatory Friday onslaught of he wants DD2 the full weekend begins. I am starting to dread my solicitor calling now.

Stay strong, did he have her last weekend awesmum can't you instruct your solicitor that this is your weekend. Leave it at that. If he comes round call the police.

It's either EOW or one day each he can't pick and choose....

If he had extra last weekend then he pays it back this weekend?

Did your solicitor come back to you about your concerns last week? Eow and his abuse and your concerns about dd welfare when she's with him. Can you withhold access till this is sorted or does that not look good in your favour?

Set an alternating schedule by dates starting with when he had her last, and send it to your solicitor. Tell him that this is what you are going to abide by until the formalities are settled, unless he (solicitor) feels that doing so would make you look too inflexible or it might be interpreted as obstructing contact. Discuss this with him first. There may be a good reason 'legally speaking' why he is relaying everything to you for a response. If solicitor is fine with it, instruct him to simply refuse contact on your behalf if it isn't the 'right' weekend.

I know it's frustrating, but be glad that you have the solicitor to act as a buffer. At least the bastard isn't contacting you directly!

He had said he wanted her from yesterday till Monday but my solicitor didn't pick up the email.

His solicitor said she didn't say he'd bang on the door and insist on taking her, only that he would turn up - I wonder to do what then, serenade us, do a dance?

I've said no - she's entitled to a relationship with her siblings.

He's also said he has changed his work hours- despite insisting for 8 1/2 years that he must be in work 9-5.30 every day, made me go back to work when DD3 was 4 days old, he didn't even take time off when his mum was dying in hospice.

He's such a liar. I am so cross.

4 days old?!?!?!?! How on earth could that even happen? What incompetent doctor would release a woman to work 4 days postpartum? You poor thing!

If he shows up (and I don't think he will as he's a coward at heart), maybe you should tell him (through the door) to do a tap dance and sing 'Always Look On the Bright Side of Life'. I'd pay to see that!

Seriously, just lock/latch the doors and batten down the hatches. I know he's been told not to enter the house but I'm sure he'll think he has a right 'under the circumstances'. If he gets loud, call the police. Or better yet, if you have a good neighbour ask them to do it. It always sounds better in court if a report comes from a third party.

@Awesmum I just wanted to say, after reading all your updates, that you are a remarkable human being! Your kids are so lucky to have you and I admire your restraint cos I'd have run the fucker over in my car LONG before now!!!!

Fucking hell he's a tedious piece of shit isn't he?!?!

Keep your chin up, he'll tire of all this bullshit when the courts won't let him have his way

Jesus Christ I’m honestly surprised you’ve not buried him under the patio by by now op

As others have said, can you discuss with your solicitor and agree that it’s eow etc and for your solicitor not to contact you unless it’s an emergency with regards to access.

@WhoKnewBeefStew @FooFighter99 I have been sorely tempted I assure you!

Fucking hell he's a tedious piece of shit isn't he?!?! He really is!

He keeps leaving it till Friday to deal with, elbowing me into a corner.

I have told solicitor he can have her for some time this weekend based on agreeing for a few weeks so we can all have a break from him.
So he has Sunday 1pm till Monday 9am. Wednesday overnight. Next weekend Friday to Sunday evening. Wednesday overnight then she's at home the following weekend with no bullying from him.
I personally don't have to do handover on Wednesday or Friday as he can collect her from nursery, but Sunday's is outside the police station.
His solicitor has agreed on his behalf because he's a shit, and I have again been over generous. I am sure he's spitting feathers at her. But she get paid for it.

I suppose you just have to placate him long enough for it to go to court and for him to have his arse handed to him by a Judge! God help him when he’s trying to demand 50/50 for a 2 year old whose hair he can’t even fucking brush!!!

Makes my blood boil, I seriously don’t know how you’ve kept going but I applaud you I really do!

@FooFighter99 I don't really have much choice but to keep going, other options are give her to him or go bac ..... I can't even say it, even the thought of it makes me want to run to the Himalayas and live under a yak!

I am getting there, once the court has an order in place I can rest easier because then there is no messing around. I am sad it's come to this, had he been reasonable we could have both had more flexible time with her, but had he been reasonable we may not have split.

You’re a bloody saint.

Keep
Going, it will be worth it soon xx

Don't give him any more now that you intend to give in the future, if you do, the court will look at what is in place & say OK, that's the deal.
this should be limited to EOW (48 hours, ) & I week (not over night). This needs to be able to fit in with future school times. you do not want to have to change it later. plus half school holidays, & be careful to add that the EOW & week day, are not on top of half the holidays.
Plus if he can't do his days they are forfeited & not added on at any old time.

week = week afternoon to early evening

On Monday I would be writing to his solicitor to set out the contact pattern until it goes to court to stop these Friday issues.

Specifically say "pending court outcome" make it strictly EOW - consider Easter/Mother's Day/Birthdays etc but I think with his controlling nature you make it strictly EOW that can only be swapped for the occasion of a 2week holiday. Accept that you may not see her for special days it's not worth it.

Obviously some mid week contact as welds as EOW.