Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Sorry wrong thread

It all sounds so good, he's just a nasty controlling bully and I'm sure both solicitors have the measure of him!

Oh they do I have just been warned by his solicitor of his intentions and that hand over should be at the police station for my safety. I have had to agree to all day tomorrow and half of Sunday due to his threats. I am breaking again.

Geez how can his solicitor bear to rep him

Have you got an emergency residency order in the process of going to court?? I think you need one with power of arrest attached.

He needs a psychological assessment if his solicitor is concerned for your safety to the extent he is recommending going to the police station! Have you spoken to WA recently?

It's all about HIM HIM HIM, isn't it? He's incapable of doing any type of compromise or sharing.

Yes, thank God for your solicitor. Very calming to have a 'middleman' or '-woman'.

Do you think you are being overly generous, even though it's DD birthday. After all, you will be 'setting precedent' for future access during this interim period.

@AcrossthePond55 yes I have been overly generous. Not happening again. Ever!

@RandomMess yes I do, it's being processed but because of Christmas and new year it can take 4-6 weeks.

Monday morning I am going to my solicitor's and going to have something put in place. I can't continue in this fashion. I don't know what I can do. But his solicitor and mine now have a record of his threats. Surely that stands for something?

I am absolutely shocked that he can continue controlling everything and no one can do anything at all.

His solicitor had to warn you?? What are his intentions? I'd be asking his solicitor to report him to the police.

My BFF's ex was similarly controlling. And he loved nothing more than messing her round. He'd say he was coming to get their son then not show. He'd demand access knowing she had plans for the child, he'd say he wanted XX, then say he never said that he said YY. There was just no pinning him down, so the court did it for her

Her divorce stipulated his access every other weekend from 10 am Saturday until Sunday 6 pm plus Wednesday from 'after school' until 7pm. If he didn't show up by 10.30 am OR didn't pick him up at school then access was cancelled with no 'make up dates' and she was free to stop waiting for him. No 'make up dates' if he called and cancelled access. Any request for changes had to be requested 48 hours in advance and had to be mutually agreeable. Each parent had the child for their own birthday and mother's or father's day. The child's birthday and major holidays were alternate years with hours specified regardless of whose time it actually was. Xmas Eve and Xmas Day, for example, were from 8 am - 9 pm with one having Eve, the other Day on alternate years. So even if it was 'his weekend' if it were 'her' Xmas Day, she was entitled to pick up their son from 8-9.

He eventually got tired of having to 'play by the rules' and not being able mess her round, so he pretty much dropped all contact. But it was never about his being a good father and wanting to be with their son, it was about causing my BFF as much trouble as he could. You may find yours goes the same way with DD.

So you are giving up your weekends due to his threats? What threats did he make that got solicitors to suggest you give him what he wants? Shocking that he's getting his own way

What's going to happen if you don't turn up?

Reply with "Oh do fuck off dear, its not all about you"
Congratulations on all you have achieved so far, onwards and upwards now

CONGRATULATIONS on your new job! That is the most wonderful news, and also fantastic that your DCs are all doing so well. 2019 is going to be the most amazing year for you.

Keep going awesmum, that light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger & brighter all the time

I am sure both solicitors are rolling their eyes at his actions.
Being advised to do hand over at the police station is great, as that is another bit of evidence as to his behaviour.
Stay strong

Just read this while post. Well done OP, you’re on the way!

Congratulations on the new job -you and your son! And well done to your daughter getting into uni and your other daughters school report!

You’ve had so much positives happen since you started extracting yourself from that mans toxicity.

Keep focusing on the positives

Also just read the thread and I'm so glad that you're sticking to your guns. What horrendous barriers there are. I didn't realise.

I was squeaking half way through when you'd said no job because of no reference which I know isn't true. Anyway delighted to hear about your new job. Keeping fingers and toes crossed that it goes well.

Just read the whole thread and I felt sick about what you were all going through.
Congratulations on your new job!
I hope there are many new positive things to come for you all

This is incredible reading. You have been in an utterly abusive relationship and so have your children. Im sure you still have a long road ahead of you but thank fuck youre getting out of it. Strength sister. We are all behind you x

Just read the whole thread. Having been through similar myself it brought back some bad memories. Have to say OP, you're doing great!

Don't give him DD for the w/e... why ? because you are used to him bullying you ? She is too young to know which day it is, & he should only get EOW anyway. Do not do it

Just RTFT and am so impressed at your tenacity. I’m TeamAwe!

How did it go OP?

You're amazing.

Still hoping you are okay

I started my new job today! It went really well, fingers crossed that it continues as such. It was nice to focus on something else for a change.

As for the STBXH nothing to say at the moment, I am fully aware that it will kick off this weekend again. He's sent my solicitor an email insisting on 50:50 access that I may only offer that nothing else will be considered. I have sent my solicitor a report of what happened Friday night, and said I am starting to question whether it is is DD2 best interest to have even eow and Wednesday if he's as unhinged as to threaten a woman and children via a solicitor, that I am disgusted that his solicitor (a woman) didn't call him on it. But that the house does now have a police marker on it due to his behaviour. I have insisted that it's dealt with by Friday.
Or I will just go away for the weekend to be honest, not ideal being driven out of my own home but it maybe my only option.

I would speak to NSPCC and get their opinion on whether contact is appropriate at the moment. You can then say you have sought specialist child welfare advice. I would ask them whether you ought to involve SS tbh.