Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

965 replies

awesmum · 05/10/2018 09:12

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

OP posts:
awesmum · 03/01/2019 20:50

@squiglet111 currently not a possibility, I can't get an employers reference as he was my employer, just as I am struggling to get a job for the same reason. That and the stress and anxiety.
Honestly this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2019 20:51

But to my knowledge you certainly CAN lock him out, when you are there to let him in. The law says you cannot deny him access. It doesn't say that he must be able to walk in whenever he feels like it, just that you can't keep him out if he wants in. And nothing in the law says that you have to let him in if you feel he is a threat to your safety.

Seriously, the police are NOT going to tell anyone to let someone in who has been pounding on the door and screaming at them! At the very least, if they do because that person claims to want to get something out of the house, the police will watch them get it and then watch them leave. The key will be to call the police quietly whilst he's still kicking off, don't tell him you're going to do it 'if he doesn't calm down'. Just call.

I think that Daisymay's idea of a 'preemptive strike' is a good one. Call the non-emergency number, tell them that he's been contacted by your solicitor regarding your separation and by the landlord about the tenancy, that he is angry and blaming you, and you feel that he is a danger to your safety. Ask them to flag your residence and phones.

I can't say as I blame the LL. But it does sound as if he's willing to continue to rent to you. Ask him if Asshole doesn't sign and he feels he has to proceed with eviction, will he immediately re-lease to you in your sole name.

TougheningUp · 03/01/2019 20:58

I have nothing constructive to add to this thread, but I wanted to say to @awesmum that she's been amazingly strong through all of this. I wish we all lived next door to you so that we could support you in real life too.

awesmum · 04/01/2019 18:29

@AcrossthePond55 your suggestion of allowing him access has settled me somewhat. I keep the doors locked now - Not idea but gives me a little peace of mind.

@TougheningUp I wish you were all my neighbours too!

He's sent my solicitor an email telling him all sorts of lies this morning which were quite farcical, he's tried to manipulate things to suit himself, such as me throwing his stuff in the garage- like it's a hovel - the same garage he wanted the kids to use as a play room. That for the last 3 months he has had 50/50 access - well you can't claim that we've lived in the same house and I have done all the care, bed times, bathing etc until he had her Christmas Day.
Also that I moved DS into his bedroom leaving him with no where to sleep.... erm you'd taken your bed? And we still have a spare room now.
That I refused mediation- Er no they said it wasn't suitable because of his controlling issues.
The list goes on.
Solicitor thought this was clear manipulation of facts.
But the good news he's not contacted me all!
Fingers crossed for a quiet weekend.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 04/01/2019 19:00

Hello Awe Smile
He didn't sign off the tenancy did he?

Mrsmummy90 · 04/01/2019 19:33

I'm glad that your solicitor is so understanding

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2019 21:30

@awesmum , glad my suggestion helped you feel better. It's not ideal that you have to let him in at all, but at least this way you can control things. I'd also suggest you get a latch and padlock for your bedroom door. And keep it locked whenever he shows up AND whenever you leave. Keep everything private and/or sentimental in your room. If you have 'round' door knobs (rather than lever type) there are locking gizmos you can get that make it impossible to twist the knob open.

Men like him are naturals at twisting facts and manipulating reality. They can really make you doubt yourself! But you are now out from under that shit and can see him so clearly!

Fingers crossed here for a quiet weekend for you, too. But get that latch and lock put up!

Weenurse · 05/01/2019 00:18

Do you have somewhere to live?

awesmum · 05/01/2019 10:21

Who knew having a door slammed in your face could be such a nice thing! I just dropped DD2 off at STBXH's as solicitor has told him he's not to come to my house, and he said nothing! He just took her and slammed the door in my face as she was saying bye bye.
What a relief! I had the camera on in case he said something, I cannot believe he restrained himself!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/01/2019 10:33

Hurrah, did you flick the V up when you walked away Grin

awesmum · 05/01/2019 10:55

@RandomMess were you there? Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/01/2019 10:56

I would have been skipping GrinGrin

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2019 14:45

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ickle Diddums had a itty bitty tantwum then, did hims? Awww, bweaks my widdle heart for hims (NOT).

It's so rewarding when the manipulative, controlling gander gets some of that sauce he's been freely ladling on the goose, doesn't it?

Mrsmummy90 · 06/01/2019 18:28

How're you doing @awesmum?

Doman · 06/01/2019 20:26

Been thinking of you, @awesmum. Really hope you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel Thanks

oatmilk4breakfast · 07/01/2019 10:10

Yes hoping things going well! Xx

awesmum · 07/01/2019 17:05

@AcrossthePond55 made me laugh!

He was exactly the same yesterday when I picked up DD2, he'd wanted to have her till Monday but his solicitor had said he could have her till Sunday lunchtime.

He's apparently going to give me via solicitors a list of things he wants which are still in the house ... not sure what that is, he left some butter in the fridge? He shot himself in the foot with the accusations of me breaking the law, saying I hadn't offered him any time with DD2, my solicitor was the one who sent the email with dates on. He's also been told by his solicitor to remove himself from the tenancy immediately, I shan't hold my breath.

I have been on tender hocks all day about an email coming through from the solicitor with his demands, which I am sure he's been chasing all day a response to, unfortunately for him solicitors work to their own deadlines and I haven't received anything yet. But still no direct contact, it's heaven.

Getting up this morning and doing the normal school routine without him in the house was heaven, even with 2 teens, an 11 year old and 2 year old. The radio was on, I could call the kids as many times as I liked, make the kids lunch, leave at the time I chose, not sneak around the corner to pick the kids up from the bus stop to drive them in. No fear of reprisals, no saying to the kids, don't tell STBXH I gave you lunch/ a lift/ money and so on. No panic about the lecture and dissection of how wrong I was the way I told DS to get up again, or I should have done this or that, that when I was walking about I was treading too heavily and did I hear how loudly I was breathing. That DD18 wasn't polite enough when she said good morning to him, or that she is after something because she did.
It's liberating!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/01/2019 17:08

Geez it was truly horrific!!!

MissMacaron · 07/01/2019 17:12

New life for the new year, just lovely.

awesmum · 07/01/2019 17:29

@RandomMess honestly it really was. But as @MissMacaron says, new year a new life.

There's a few things to tick off still, but having him have to go via solicitor really takes the intense anxiety out of it, it allows me to respond calmly rather than react to abuse and digs, I still get them but he's a fraction more restrained.

I still hold in the back of my mind 'what will he say' what's he's reaction to x, y or z going to be. But slowly the clouds are parting. I am not getting ahead of myself and remain very cautious because if I become too comfortable with myself or life he will take advantage of the situation, Either financially, or with DD2.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2019 18:46

I still hold in the back of my mind 'what will he say' what's he's reaction to x, y or z going to be

That'll fade.

TBH, I'd probably be 'semi-looking forward' to his 'list of demands' as I expect it'll be quite amusing. Like he wants wants your childhood teddy bear because you once said he could hold it. He wants the Kitchenaid mixer (that he has never used) because he paid for it (as your Xmas gift). He wants the loo roll on the spindle because he put it on. In reality I'm sure it'll be a list of stupid, picky things that he doesn't really want, he just thinks that you DO.

I'm sure you can think of more ridiculous things he might ask for and maybe it'll relieve some of the tension.

MiniCooperLover · 07/01/2019 21:12

What has happened with the bank account he was trying to get from you OP? Very glad to hear things are improving for you all.

awesmum · 07/01/2019 21:41

@MiniCooperLover was still mentioning it last week. I have said all the things he is insisting on sorting before he comes off the tenancy are part of our divorce and should be dealt with as such - with solicitors. So I am still on there, he still can't access it. Think my and his solicitor all agree. Get out, then let them sort it out. It's what they are paid for.
He knows he's going to be unhappy with the outcome. That's why he's pushing me so much.

OP posts:
Hangingonbyathread10 · 08/01/2019 08:55

I'm so sorry you suffered in this misery you must feel so happy to be able to be you again and your kids must be happier too. Good on you

Palaver1 · 09/01/2019 13:38

I think both lawyers are awesome
Makes such a difference.
This is just the begining of a whole new life for all of you xx

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread