Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

@AcrossthePond55 I know exactly what you mean with regard to the furniture etc. I have new bedding and will be replacing my bed as soon as I can. We've changed the sitting room around. Bought new throws for the furniture, new towels for the bathroom. I have a new table a chairs coming for the dining room, so no more him at the head of this table.
I can't settle because he stood outside staring in for 40 minutes, because he can just walk in if he chooses, even if I lock the door and he can cause a stink. Because every time I sit on the sofa I fear he's going to 'catch me' and have a pop like he used to. I know all these things will go, I know it will take time. I just still feel like he's sitting on my shoulder, looking at me judging and commenting. Even on my phone, because he used to go through it and tell me off for this or that.

There's no law that says you can't put latches on so the doors can't be opened from the outside, is there? As long as you let him in? I know the law is stupid about having to grant access if he's on the lease, but if the doors are latched at least he can't surprise you by walking in. Also, are you within your rights to deny him entry until it is convenient for you (ie you can have a third party there) or does the law specify that access must be granted whenever he says?

The standing outside would certainly be unnerving! But, and again laws may be different in the UK, at what point does this behaviour become stalking or harassing? It's one thing to say "I am legally entitled to enter the property" and quite another to say "I have the right to stand outside simply to make you uncomfortable". I'm sure there's a threshold for stalking, I'd talk to the police to see what that threshold is. In the meantime, keep a log of when it happens & how long it lasts (I'm sure you already are). Do you think he's doing it hoping that DD will see him and cry for him so you'll let him in?

Just a thought..if your LL were to change the terms of your lease in some way, would that mean a new contract? If so, maybe he'd be able to drop him off the lease. IDK, like changing to 'no pets' (if you don't have any) or 'no subletting', even a £5 rent increase? (Grasping at straws here)

It will fade in time, that stupid feeling that he's standing at your shoulder. But any steps you can take (even tiny ones) to push him away from your 'space' will help the process!

Mine was the fact he made me feel I didn't deserve any good things. I've told this before, but I went to the store after the split and saw some cute 'fancy' hair pins. I wanted them so badly, but felt I didn't 'deserve' them. I stood there for what seemed like ages, arguing with myself. I finally grabbed them, guiltily threw them in my basket and headed to the till. I fully expected 'someone' would shout "You can't have those!!!" but of course no one did. It was really a 'breakthrough' moment for me, I realized that I DID deserve good things and that I was entitled to happiness. You'll have your moment too, where he suddenly ceases to 'haunt' you.

Realistically if he starts hammering on the day at any time other than to handover DD he is threatening you and you can call the police.

The police can you request you let him but you can refuse!

If the locks were changed because you lost them then they would tell him to take you to court to get a new key, the can't insist you hand one over.

I totally understand how your feeling in that you can't relax at home...

My ex husband didn't want to accept our split (he had an affair) for the best part of 18 months he used to turn up on the door step knocking on the door or sitting outside, he even used to sleep 😴 n his car outside sometimes, he would knock on the door either be upset or angry or just wanted to argue or talk about the same things Over and over again trying to fix things when they were well and truly broken. I used to lock all doors and leave keys in the locks and close all curtains and no lights on. Eventually he moved on but it took me a long long time to finally relax at home.

Keeping a detailed diary is really useful so a day by day account with times and what's been said and agreed.

I am in awe of you, OP! Definitely keep onto the ll and see if there's a way of stopping him coming in. A pp said 'losing' the keys and needing new locks-brilliant. He would have a job trying to get copies. It would make you feel more secure.

💐

wishing you a very happy and hopeful new year @awesmum

Agree with others about latches or even door chains. Might bring you some peace of mind. Happy new year.

Another day today and I found out via a friend that he's been telling people that rather than him making the choice 3+ years ago to move himself into the spare room, that when I asked him to leave - he's said kicked him out the bedroom that he's been having to sleep in the shed.
I am at a loss for words!

He has DD2 also and has agreed that when she is with the other for a full day that at 6pm the other shall call / FaceTime- he wouldn't answer- till I called every 5 minutes.

He's now texting me about access over the next 2 months, that if I don't give him reasonable access he's going to sort it himself- he means 50/50. I am going to get my solicitor to send him a letter. I really don't want to have to ever speak / text / email him ever again.

@AcrossthePond55 I hope you buy yourself nice stuff all the time now.

Leave it to the lawyers now, he is not rational

Yes I agree, he isn’t rational and is trying to bully you

I've just read the whole thread OP. You're doing really well. That man is an utter twat and I feel for your youngest having to put up with having a dad like that.

I agree with the others, he seems to be slipping more and more into the realm of bonkers. Leave it to the solicitors and keep track of everything....especially the so called shed sleeping and your poor DDs behaviour.

He really is a nasty piece of work, spreading lies. The courts will see through it hopefully, especially with all your evidence of missed FT calls and poor behaviour from your youngest.

you know people won't believe him sleeping in the shed bollocks.

solicitor all the way over access. it'll be better when its court ordered.

@awesmum , Yes, I certainly do! And I have a DH now who encourages it! We're fortunate that neither of us have unreasonably extravagant tastes.

Sleeping in the shed??!!! That made me laugh. I'm picturing him telling that it was a mouldy old mattress in a spider infested, dirt floored, leaky roofed one! Once he realizes that no one is giving him much sympathy (because they don't believe him), next it'll be sleeping in the bin, like Oscar the Grouch (fitting, no?). The good thing is that telling such unbelievable stories will make those around him doubt everything he says about you. And it will make people take a second look at him, too!

Agree, the solicitors need to handle things from now on. It's what they get paid for. And document, document, document!!!

My landlord has had enough and sent an email saying unless he signs off the tenancy by Friday midday he going send eviction notices to both of us. I spoke to him he's still happy for me to stay, but fed up with STBXH and he's not responding or dealing. He's also said if he signs off he'll retract it.

My solicitor sent him an email today, asking him to sign off the tenancy that the landlord has given him till Friday lunchtime, to stop messaging me about missing stuff and deal with solicitor either directly or using his own solicitor to talk to mine. Well he went mad, rang the solicitor said that he's outraged at getting the email, that he's tried to be reasonable, that he feels bullied, that he's going to speak to his solicitor, I am lying and that the date of tomorrow signing off is unacceptable (????).

I admit I am scared. To the point I have just appointed legal guardianship of the children to someone case he does something to me.

But I still can't lock him out of the house.

Shit.....can you get anyone to be with you?

@IknowTheBoswellJoke no unfortunately not.

The doors are locked anyway. He'll have to bash the door down to get in, which is aggressive enough for me to call the police.

Honestly after just short of a week of things being a fraction calmer, it's back up there stress wise. Even the solicitor rang me in a rush after he'd called and emailed- and they never do anything in a hurry!

I know it's horrible but the sooner it's sorted the better, he's a complete utter bastard

He is an utter psychopath. I'm constantly thinking of you. I really want this to get sorted. (I've finally NC'd. Used to be mrstobe90)

Would it be an idea to inform the police that you are splitting with your husband and he is acting strangely and you are concerned he might come to the house and be violent or threatening? That your solicitor is also concerned about his behaviour.. I believe they can then put a marker on your phone number if you do ring 999 they respond more quickly- others may know more than me.. I presume both mobile and landline numbers can be marked..

Maybe your landlord is doing this for your own good as they see that ex isn't going to sign off unless made to. If landlord does serve an eviction, can you be "evicted" but stay and get a new tenancy agreement in just your name?

When reading this thread I sometimes think, maybe it would be better if you left too? Now house in your name that he can't turn up to and do creepy shit? Is this not at all possible?

New house in your name *