Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Yes, as other say, don't get into 'defending' yourself against his spurious text-rants about DD2. It only encourages him to continue and provides him with 'ammo' to twist your words Just save them, transcribe them into your journal and write your 'rebuttal' down.

Don't send anything with DD2 that you want to get back. Let him start building up his own supplies for her. And I agree, wash and send her in the same outfit every time. And I agree with doing drops/pick ups. I wouldn't want him anywhere near my house, either! Plus, it lets you control the timings.

As far as his 'where's this, where's that', I'd ignore it. Let him fucking LOOK for it himself!

@Daisymay2 @RandomMess I have a big a4 book and writing it all down.

@ltk Me too.

@AcrossthePond55 When I did drop off this morning I said I would pick her up tomorrow at the same time, he said he'd drop her, I said I would collect, he said 'why? Are you doing this because if your controlling issues?' I actually chuckled walked off saying 'Bye bye DD' he shouted after 'I will drop her off!'

I am not playing his games at all.

@awesmum What a bellend!!!

"Are you doing this because of your controlling issues?" would have made me chuckle, too. Defo not worth a response!

"I will drop her off!!"

Who's being controlling now!!!

Glad about the book- photoes would be good as well!

So sorry this has happened to you, just read the whole thread and felt awful for you and your family. I am glad things are starting to look better and I hope it all gets sorted quickly.

Happy new year - a new start for you :)

Best of luck for the future.
You are a good mother

I've just read the whole thread. You are a really impressive woman and your kids are lucky to have you. You have dealt with all this shit with such calm and dignity. Keep on keeping on. You'll get there x

Wow. You are such a strong woman. I grew up in the same atmosphere and you are doing the right thing - never think you're not. "Ding dong the twat is gone" made my day. I can only imagine the relief you felt.

As you're now a woman living by herself with her young children, it only makes sense that you'd be security conscious and would put chains on the doors... Just saying They're really not hard to install yourself.

The services there to help you are just pathetic. I feel for you being stuck here. But you outwaited the bastard . Just keep doing that and it will end eventually. Smile and nod and do not engage as he will take your words and twist them to a slight against him.

Even your posts here are documentation of what he's doing. The ongoing behaviour designed to intimidate and control. Maybe talk to the police about what you can do now he's out of the house, given his ongoing behaviour has you fearful for the safety of you and your children.

But stellar job. May 2019 get this put to rest for you and lead to better things!

been lurking since you first posted, just wanted to say how happy for you I am that you're free of him. He, like my ex sounds like he'll be difficult for some time.... have you looked into what you'd be entitled you now you're on your own with the kids? Check out entitled.com and start the process for maintenance, he doesn't sound like he'll cooperate on that either.
Well done, you've been a shining example to all women in how to stay strong so long in intolerable circumstances with ultimately pays off... most would have caved.

I actually chuckled

Isn't it the best when their controlling narcissism can be laughed at because it doesn't affect you any more?

Any update op?

You really are amazing. Can’t believe what he’s putting you and his own daughter through. Unhinged with selfishness. Poor you but well done! You are brilliant mum.

You are being very strong, you are doing the right thing, you will experience so many ups and downs, when a relationship ends you still have to go through the grieving process, sending huge hugs x

Just read the full thread and want to let you know how much I admire you op. You are strong and a wonderful mum.

STBXH dropped DD2 off this morning (late) he tried to walk straight in the house, the door was locked, so he started to back to the car. I opened it and chatted to DD. He started to follow me into the house but he noticed my phone propped up towards the door - recording, turned and walked out. Didn't say a word not even bye to DD.

She had unbrushed hair, has been exhausted all day, I think he keeps her up till she drops so he doesn't have to settle her in bed.

She's been very clingy all day, asking for hugs constantly, she's struggling to express herself too, and is shouting a lot of the time and throwing things, I have been doing a lot of calming enforcements with her which helps but as soon as she gets back from him she's back to the same. She shouts at her siblings too. Poor little things is ever so confused, with Daddy talking about her new house and this not being her house.

DS asked me earlier if he could drink some flavoured milk today, I said of course why, he said that he hadn't been allowed to before, it reminded me of the food situation- kids not being allowed to help themselves as they would 'gorge' on everything and demolish the content of the cupboards or fridge. Ironically since I asked him to leave and he provided his own food, that's stopped - I even had a table set up for Christmas as a treat table which the kids could help themselves too and it's still absolutely groaning!! He would just sit there and eat everything and blame the kids then shout and lecture.

All these things keep coming back to me, now I have time to think and process. Each new realisation makes me more certain I am doing the right thing and moving onwards.

He doesn't have DD for 2 days now, I am curious if he turns up or I get a vitriolic text. I have not yet had a day off from him yet. I hope tomorrow is the first one 🤞🏻.

Fingers crossed for you here too xx

Poor little DD! All you can do is what you are doing: love, reinforcement of her having 'two homes now', cuddles and DOCUMENT! Hopefully, things will begin to calm as she gets used to the routine. And, as he begins to enjoy the 'single life' you may find that he starts becoming less interested in demanding 'his time'. Especially if he finds another woman, oops, I mean victim.

Good move with the phone!! Fingers crossed (and doors locked) for tomorrow!

I've read your thread OP and am so relieved for you.

On a practical note, could you get another SIM for your phone or another cheap or old phone to use? Give him your new number, and only turn it on when he's got your DD. That way, you're not dreading every time your phone pings with a text etc.

You're doing so well!

I feel so bad for you dd. I don't understand why he's so adamant that he must have her so often when he doesn't even look after properly!
Thank god she has such a wonderful mum.

@Mrstobe90 he has her for a number of reasons-
he thinks he's a great dad first and foremost, he keeps telling me how I don't know what a dad is or have respect for it ( I do have a dad and a step-dad who's been in my life for 30 years!)
He has no family left apart from her now, the rest of his family don't speak to him, both his parents are dead, siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins refuse contact and have even blocked him on social media.
He isn't actually thinking about her welfare at all and is almost 'dating' her, they go out for meals every day. He doesn't bathe her or do activities with her. Having gone from never seeing anyone as he kept us so segregated and wouldn't share us (one of my major hates) he now sees a different friend with her most days, he doesn't really interact by sitting down and just playing with her.
The major reason- its a control thing, he has to have control, over her, and over me. He's using her as a tool to speak to me/ text me / harass me be in there pick picking at me every day. Which is exactly why I want the court to make the decisions. I want Cafcass to do an assessment of her safety with him as he truly doesn't think of her as person with autonomy and rights of her own. She's an extension of himself and his wants and needs.

Good luck 💐

That's horrendous. That's like the opposite of a good parent.
I so hope you get full custody for her sake. She needs a stable life and he just can't provide that for her.

Things are moving in the right direction for you, even if not as fast as you'd like.
I so so want you to have the best life without that monster!

You have so much insight into his behaviour awesmum. You're doing brilliantly and should be so proud of yourself.
Could you access support for your daughter about what she's going through? I hope there's help out there for you soon, it's every parent's worst nightmare to see their child used for a power play.

Saturday and Sunday where absolutely blissful with no contact except on Sunday evening whether I was dropping or he was collecting. I am still struggling to settle in the house, especially after him just walking in and as he stood outside the house for about 40 minutes staring at the house the other day. I called the police obviously but they can't do anything as he's on the tenancy and not breaking any laws.

It was agreed between that on the full days the other doesn't have DD2 that at 6pm in the evening they can call or FaceTime her, he didn't on either day.

I dropped off to him today, he started in again about his mum and dads birth certificates and marriage certificates being missing. That I need to find them. It smacks of all the missing money in the house the kids got blamed for, and my stuff going missing and his and then him making me search and search and search for. Typical gaslighting behaviour. I can't obviously find the info which is missing, because I don't actually believe it is, but I can't prove that he has it because I can't find it either. My video of him threatening me over it is too quiet to hear as well.

Now to see what state DD2 comes back in after a couple of nights away with him.

Ignore him as far as the certificates go. Vital records can be easily replaced via the GRO. You're right, he's just trying to spin you round in circles. Fuck him.

What is it that is keeping you from 'settling'? Is it the fear he'll walk in? Although that wasn't a concern when I kicked my abusive ex out (the LL made him give the key to her) I, too, had trouble 'settling'. I found that buying new furniture for the living room and new bedding helped me immensely. It was like I removed any trace of him. There were no memories of him sitting on the new furniture, no memories of him sleeping in the new bedding.

I realize that's not probably realistic for most people (I had no DC, worked full time, and my parents helped), perhaps try rearranging the furniture, changing pictures and ornaments out, getting new (inexpensive) throws or drapes. Anything to make the room look different.

As far as the walking in, I think if you make a point to put on the latches, key in locks and tell yourself when you're doing it that he can't get it in, you'll be able to relax after a bit.