Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Ironically 3 times in the last week he's woken me up at 12.30 /1.30am as he was unable to open the door, each time he could see that I had removed the key to allow him to unlock, last night when I had to let him in, it was actually unlocked but he still couldn't open it, he said 'I don't know why I am having such a problem opening the door?' I was so tempted to respond with 'it's the universes way of telling you to f*$k off!' But I bit my tongue and went to bed. So if I inadvertently leave the key in the door and go out using the back door ......

Yes exactly. It's what I did for ages until my ex finally returned his keys. Whenever I was in the doors were locked and keys on the inside so he couldn't just walk in too.

Hallelujah!

So if I inadvertently leave the key in the door and go out using the back door...

So you did change the back door lock? Brilliant!

Maybe the LL will need to change ALL the locks because of, oh I don't know, The Great Dengue Fever Scare of 2018 or something? Do you know the LL well enough to ask if he'll 'take the rap' if you change all the locks? You have the locks and will of course, give LL a key. You can keep forgetting to get one cut for DH.

I'd also take those boxes of his crap and ask a friend of his if he'll store them for him. Give him no reason to say he has to enter the house (or garage) to get his shit. Plus, perhaps if you can show the LL that ALL his shit is gone, there might be something LL can do to get him off the tenancy.

Why the fuck did I just refer to him as DH!! Wash my mouth out with soap!!!

Good idea

Perhaps the not being able to open the door was all about getting you out of bed...

He doesn't live there anymore does that mean you can get an occupation order and use legal means to get him off the tenancy without his signature?

I hope you have gone to CMS for maintenance and updated tax credits that you are single? I would speak to child benefit to warn them he may try and claim it but that you are not in agreement and it will go to court in due course.

If I remember correctly, you can't change the locks but you can add extra security measures such as chains on each door so prevent entry

I am so relieved for you!!! Let's hope he doesn't come back!! (Ever)

Well after the first full day with out him in my face, in the house. I am sitting in the sitting room with some friends I am reconnecting with as he didn't like them, and he walks in the house, in the back door, goes into what was his room see my DS 'where's my stuff?' DS tells him in the garage. He starts filling his car up, still a unit and bag for him to come back for.
Ironically he's back now.
But this is after not answering my text to give me his address earlier.
This was my first day without him here and he blooming turns up. My anxiety has gone through the roof. There will never be a reprieve from him unless the court says will there and then possibly not even then. Completely ruined my starting to relax.

God I hate him.

Keep both doors locked with keys in them...

When you lose those darn keys change the locks and make him go through the courts to get a copy...

Keep doors locked with keys in them. Can you get bolts put on them so he can’t enter until the locks are changed?

You are doing the right thing but I would not do it Christmas day just as kids will always remember. Could you not wait a week or two?

Oh sorry did not read all of thread. Change door locks. I did this when I found out my dh was cheating on me. I rang up locksmith and pretended I had lost my keys and needed them all changing. I am LL and I would agree to change locks and pay too if you could show me your dh had definitely gone and you told me you were afraid of him.

Damn him! Well at least you weren't there alone, so I assume he didn't act up (too badly). I'll bet he was gleefully full of nasty remarks that were foiled when he saw you were happily entertaining!

The fact that he easily let himself in the back door proves that his earlier "problem" with the locks was just to make you get up to let him in. What a prick!

You have the right to a secure home. That means drawing bolts on the doors when you're home or leaving keys in locks.

Honestly, what do you think he'd do if you did change the locks? What's the worst that could happen, you'd have to give him a key? I'd say it's worth the risk. But of course, it's your call as you know him, I don't.

I have followed this from the first post op and my god this piece of shit is giving you some terrible grief. I really truly hope the new year sees your paperwork speedily processed through the courts . In the mean time I hope he gets pissed over xmas in his new place and you don't see him for days and days.

Ironically 3 times in the last week he's woken me up at 12.30 /1.30am as he was unable to open the door, each time he could see that I had removed the key to allow him to unlock, last night when I had to let him in, it was actually unlocked but he still couldn't open it, he said 'I don't know why I am having such a problem opening the door?' I was so tempted to respond with 'it's the universes way of telling you to f*$k off!' But I bit my tongue and went to bed. So if I inadvertently leave the key in the door and

Oh op I would of been in a deep sleep when he banged to get in

Merry Christmas @awesmum. RTWT and although it seems that you still have such a way to go, I am pleased that at least for the moment you have a bit of breathing space over the Xmas period.

I can't change the locks...I can't stop him coming in
I call bullshit on that - especially now that he's moved into a new property.

Change the locks!
If he starts demanding a key/be let in then you just call the police on him.
IF he bothers taking it to court - what do you think the judge will say to him demanding a key to a house he doesn't live in?

Merry Christmas @awesmum! Hope you and DCs are having a peaceful, fun-filled, wonderful day without Mr Scrooge!

PS....put those keys in the locks!!!!! No walking in for him today!!!

I hope you and your children had a peaceful day op, merry Christmas

How're you doing? Hope you had a great Christmas with kids xxx

Sorry for radio silence, have banned myself from phones etc to spend time with the kids, and avoid the relentless texting from STBXH.

He hung around outside the house for about 30/40 minutes after he came back a second time to collect stuff (all gone now). He just stood staring at the house, very creepy. Then leaves and sends me a text how I have kicked him out, blocked him from seeing his daughter, how I am unreasonable etc etc. I do respond with actual truth, how he walked into the house, he didn't ask or attempt to see DD etc.

The the texts of 'where's my pills?' (Allergy - nothing vital) 'where's my mum birth certificate?' 'Where my school reports?' And so on and so on.

He finally gave me his address, but said he had to get somewhere to stay where there wasn't a horrible atmosphere that I had created by turning the children against him and my controlling, manipulative bullying behaviour. That I had moved my DS into his room, without his say so, leaving him no where to stay ( we still have a spare room).

Christmas Day morning was lovely with the kids, i was due to drop DD off at his at 1pm I got a text from him saying if I doing Christmas dinner did I want to keep DD2 till after so she can eat a proper meal. I asked if he was not doing her a Christmas dinner, he said no. I didn't do dinner till 5pm as DD18 was working. So I got to keep her on Christmas Day till 6pm. Yes I am aware that he will try to twist this to his advantage but I have a record of him asking me to keep and feed her.
So on drop off he tells me he's keeping her overnight for just one night to see how she gets on. I say fine. He then starts with 'where's this, where's that?'

Boxing Day I get more texts 'where's this, where's that?' All spurious stuff. All was packed up and in the boxes.

I ask him when I can get DD he says he was meant to have her that night. Then said I could get her at 7.30pm. But he would pick her up the following day at 9.30am.

So I collect her, tell him I will drop her off the next day (I am trying to avoid him coming to the house for the other children's sake). He then starts with you've broken my stuff I said what, he said 'my belongings' - what? -'stuff I have here' - what? - 'personal stuff'. I must return her in the clothes she's currently wearing. anyway off I go with DD2. Get home and her hair in one day with him obviously not been brushed is in a matter clump on the back of her head and she's starving hungry.

If you haven't already, start keeping good records of the condition DS2 returns in- matted hair, starving, not had her skin treatment etc as evidence for the forthcoming battle about cistody.
Also general stuff about taking your daughter's bed, claims of broken items waking you to let him in as he cliams he can't work the lock etc.

Ignore anything that isn't about DS2 that actually NEEDS a response.

Yes to a record and photos of the date she is returned in.

If he starts pissing about holding onto her clothes etc don't send her with "stuff" he is going to be awful so just get your exemption from mediation and get a court order.

I am so pleased for you that he has left and that DS is reclaiming that space!