Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Awesmum - I just want to say your resilience in the face of this monstrous level of emotional abuse has been absolutely amazing, inspiring even.

I am so disappointed in the complete and utter lack of support out there for you. I think we all like to think that in this sort of scenario there would be places to turn. It seems there are not.

I wondered how much you had been in touch with your dc’s schools about the situation. If you can get them on side (won’t be hard with the enormous amount of evidence you have) then if the children are showing signs of being affected - which I’m sure they must be in the intolerable living arrangements he has created (although you are doing a brilliant job of protecting them) - then they can add weight to your record of concerns.

I do hope your Christmas is as peaceful as possible.

Much love, strength and hand holding to you.

@DreamOnandOnRon DC schools have been great, they are aware of the situation, DD18 has supported her greatly, as she's attended councilling and they have aided in that. DS tutor I have spoken to lots and he's been great too, they know that they have someone outside to talk to if needed. DS struggled a lot as STBXH is very much 'men must not show emotions' and DS comes from a long line of happy to express themselves emotionally men, so he's been internalising a lot, which I have been working with him a lot with the assistance of his tutor etc. DD11 school also amazing, I have a long history with the others being there. She also has a great group of friends who she's known since toddlers and their mum's have been amazing, and she knows if she wants to have an outside the family adult to talk to she can do that safely with support. I have spoken to DD2 nursery also and without outing myself or anyone else the people there are so supportive and helpful.
I am so proud of all my DC they are being so resilient and strong and just seeing the change in their behaviour for the better, them coming out of their shells, having friends over, asking for lifts, going out, having cash in their pockets and being able to do things and be around each and me is the entire spur that I need everyday. I knew it was the right thing to do, but to see them blossom is overwhelming.

Yesterday I was putting pictures of them up around the house (wasn't allowed before, he even bought a digital picture frame for me but only to put DD2 pictures in) DD11 was looking through albums as said 'Mum you used to be so fun, what happened?' she doesn't remember the 'before' me.

I bare an enormous amount of guilt for putting them through the last 8 years, I hope my getting them out of it and showing them support, love and being there for them that in time they will forgive me.

It sounds like amazing progress is being made! You are doing so amazing and I'm sure your kids are so so proud of you xxx

What a truly awesome mum you are
Keep going, keep looking forward to your new happy life with your wonderful children

Their schools sound amazing, great to hear.

You don’t need forgiveness, you have still been their supportive mum through everything and now you are taking back your power from an emotional abuser, the lessons you are teaching them now will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives, you can be certain of that.

@awesmum
Glad you have recorded everything. I have an app on my phone to record all phone calls because they slip up once in a while telling their lies.
I might check out that YouTube video too, might be interesting.
What a strange man, stealing make up etc unless he's a secret drag Queen.
I forgot to ask, is he on dd's birth certificate? I presume he is but could be a slight chance he isn't.
I will pm you if I can work out how on this app

My h was like that. Life is wonderful without him. Be. Strong.

STBXH brought DD2 home at 9.30pm, proceeded to have a go at me about DD18 bed and because I have 'had a spastic fit' been 'controlling' he's going to take her bed, he wasn't going to but 'I have driven him to it.'
I didn't hang around to hear anything after the 'spastic' comment so no idea what else he had to say.

So had to bath and medicate DD2 as per the dermatologist instructions during the week- he was there! At 10pm. She's 2!

Hi awesmum. I started reading you're thread from the start yesterday and have also followed today. I just wanted to say that you are doing amazing. You have so much strength and I genuinely hope his leaving/you being away from him is soon to come!
My heart breaks for your dd being brought home so late. I can't help but think of my own child who would be all over the place staying up so late. You're getting stronger each day- from reading your posts! Keep going. I have a feeling the near end is in sight.

Grit your teeth, breathe breathe breathe. He's purposely trying to piss you off, possibly with the intention of being able to justify 'punishing' you by not leaving.

Do you think he intends to sign off the tenancy or will he simply move his stuff out without signing off?

I would be careful about the bed. I think he’ll try and take the one you have bought, just to piss you off.

Even if he hasn’t signed off on the tenancy and he moves his stuff out, would you be able to change the locks?

@AcrossthePond55 he intends on leaving without signing off, going to contact LL and suggest when he's taking his stuff that he conveniently pops by with paperwork.

@Suresurelah I don't think I can change the locks no, however lock the door and leave the key in it, using another door... maybe an alternative till he signed off.

@awesmum, good idea on calling the LL! Do you think he's too much of a coward to refuse to sign? I'd think once all his stuff is gone there would be something the LL could do on that basis if he refused. I wonder what the laws are regarding 'abandonment' of a rental home. In essence, if he refuses to sign, I'd think that'd be the same as doing a 'midnight flit'.

I'd say that you could probably get away with changing all the locks but one and putting a bolt on that one to latch when you're home. After all, you need to be concerned with safety living alone!! Technically, he'd still have access though that door, wouldn't he? And if you happen to leave the house through another door and 'forget' to take the bolt off that one, well, we all have brain-farts at times, don't we? 😉

@AcrossthePond55 he will have friends here to help him move and I think there presence may encourage him to sign, because he would look massively unreasonable not to, it would mean his 'victim mask' would slip if he appeared to refuse, mind you he could use it as he's being 'forced'. But I get the impression he's being telling everyone that he's made the decision to leave because of my unreasonable behaviour, which are lies. He's playing the victim and slandering me to all and sundry.

Don’t concern yourself with what he is telling others....you can’t control that. The people that matter know the truth.

However, reading your thread you do have evidence which will be useful in a court situation.

@awesmum Let him talk. As they say "Them that knows don't care, and them that cares don't know". The people who know you and love you will know that he's lying. And those people who believe him were never your friends to begin with!

I'd gladly lose a few 'friends' in order to lose him, too!!!

Well it has been a loooooooooonnnnnnngggggggg day.

But Ding dong the Twat has gone!!!

He's moved all his big furniture out, just leaving his keepsakes and photos, which I have put in the garage.
His friend turned in at 8.30 this morning with a van and 2 loads they were gone!

I asked the LL to come over with the paperwork to sign him off the tenancy but he couldn't as STBXH hasn't given him a date to leave

In front of his friend if I could have his address, he said yes, but still hasn't given it to me. I asked him in front on his friend if he could speak to the LL and give him an end of tenancy date, he said he has, I said no you haven't, he said I know his terms, and that his solicitor says his terms are fair and reasonable.
Me 'oh who is your solicitor as mine can contact yours?'
Him 'What?'
Me 'your solicitors name?'
Him 'Erm .... Julia Something and thing and thing. Don't you worry about that.'
Me 'Do you not know your solicitors name?'
Him 'it doesn't matter.'
Me 'Do you not at least know the company?'
Him 'don't you worry about that.' And slams out the door.

He's gone
I can't change the locks
I can't stop him coming in
But he will be properly gone very soon.

But he's gone, and at least the kids don't have to deal with him anymore!!

I have redecorated his bedroom and DS has moved his stuff in out of the 'cupboard' he was in before. I have gutted the bathroom he was using (it was vile).

Yay yay yay yay

Merry Christmas one and all!!!!
Thank you all for your support, you're all amazing and I said it before and I mean it, if it weren't for you I would have caved or gone mad with all of this. Thank you

Merry Christmas, what a fantastic gift!

Fanbloodytastic I'm so thrilled for you. I know it's not all over for you yet, but have a lovely Christmas and I'll be raising a glass to you and your children on Christmas Day.

He is so lying about the solicitor!!!

Shame you lost your keys and have to change the locks...

Wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas and an even better 2019. Onwards and upwards!

Sorry OP, I have only just come across this thread. I'm so glad things worked out well for you. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas. Well done to all of you!

Call the police if he tries to regain access. I did with my exh and the made him leave even though he was on the mortgage.

Tell him next time he turns up, that he is stopping you from signing with the LL... If he continues, the council will 0lace you in a BnB.. Miles away... As many as 40.... As it will be emergency accommodation, then he will not be able to pop in to see DD when ever he wants but will have to plan visits...
This will be his doing not yours....
Is he prepared for this, willing to lose contact for just a signature on a pucec if paper?

Brilliant that he's gone. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas. Can you get permission from the landlord to put an extra lock on one door 'for security' then leave the keys on the inside of the other doors so he actually can't enter the property. You haven't then changed the locks per se.