Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

I was also wondering why the LL can't evict the two of you and re-rent to just you (with your children) the following day?

As a LL myself, I've done just this (albeit for completely different reasons). The tenant who was staying, simply 'gifted' me their furniture (therefore not having the hassle of moving it out for one day and back again the following day) stayed in a local budget hotel overnight, and then re-collected the keys from me the very next morning. As and when they leave of their own accord in the future, I'll simply 're-gift' all their furniture back to them. All legal responsibilities covered and one happy tenant, with minimal upheaval.

The problem with the above is if H decides to dig his heels in the LL would have to get a Court Order to evict, this can take ages and be very expensive, and basically a lot of bother for the LL that he/she doesn't really want.
From what the Op says about her STBXH he is bloody minded enough to take this stance, just to twist the knife.
How pathetic is he that he has to "win" all the time

Thanks for the insight @HazelBite !

I can see why the LL wouldn't want to go to the trouble if he thought it'd cost him lots of money.

Yes as per @HazelBite it takes a court application and order with 2 months wait time to evict. Then obviously there are the costs on top.

Well update for you, the court sent me some forms on Monday to send back which I still haven't received, and obviously court is shut next week, so no chance of getting anything sorted before Christmas, which is a horrible, horrible thought.

He is now spending no time here, just coming back to drop DD2 off go away, come back and go to sleep. Generally coming back between 12 and 3am (not with DD2 or obviously I would be calling the police) I am tempted to gut and decorate the sitting room as is my plan when he leaves, giving us somewhere to put up a Christmas tree and sit as a family, however the last time we sat in there and he came back he went and got into my bed! Since then none of us has has been in there. So we're still avoiding 'his' rooms even though he's not here. I really don't know why he keeps coming back, well I do - he's a tool. I think he intends in being here for Christmas just because he can and he knows that it will upset everyone at home and he's really enjoying it. Yet another way to exert control over us.

Can’t u just change the lock?
I know it’s not legal, but would he bother chasing it as he has somewhere else to live?
If he turns up and causes a scene, call the police and tell them he told you he’d moved out.
Is the landlord waiting to hear from him to say he’s moved out?

@TheSquiffyQuiff yes LL is waiting to hear if he's moved / moving out, as he (STBXH) needs to sign off the tenancy. Then the new tenancy will be in my name only.

If it does become necessary, there are refuges which have satellite houses, away from main refuge but with support as needed. This is where male victims are generally housed, so yourself and your children could go into one of those, they just house one family at a time so appear from the outside to just be short term rentals. It would be an upheaval but you'd all be safe if needed.
Good luck, he sounds awful.

You got somewhere u could take the kids away over those few days at christmas?

Thinking of you whatever you gage decided / been able to do. Hope it’s as happy a Christmas as it can be for you x

Hello

Conversation with STBXH this morning
Me 'Are you going to be here on Christmas Day?'
Him 'No I have her half day.'
Me 'I would like to use the sitting room in Christmas Day as I don't think it's fair us shoved into one tiny dining room on Christmas Day.'
Him 'I have never stopped you from using the sitting room.'
Er seriously- but the kids aren't allowed in their!!
Me ' the last time we sat in there you went and got into my bed.'
Him 'it's a mans right when he gets home he has the sitting room to himself.'
Er OMG
Him 'I will be leaving between Christmas and new year, I don't want you kicking off about me going in front of my friends.'
Er The man is delusional!!
Me 'what???'
Him 'I am going I don't want you kicking off about it and taking stuff.'
Me 'Why would I kick off?? Seriously take anything you like, take everything, today even!!'

He's believing his own rubbish now! All the stuff he's saying to his friends he actually believes!

Kids and I have moved all of 'his stuff' all stuff he's said he wants into 'his' room thoroughly scrubbed it from top to bottom and are in there. It's blooming lovely
Well till he comes in anyway.

Thanks for the update, hoping you have a nice quiet Christmas and he buggers off soon x

Fingers crossed OP.

Good luck, I hope you have a lovely peaceful Christmas x

Softly, softly, catchy kick out monkey.

Say no more to him about it. Nothing. Move nothing, touch nothing. Just sit on your hands and wait. If you think using the sitting room might make him change his mind, then don't. Give him no reason to say "Right. That pissed me off!! I'm not leaving!!!".

Don't count your chickens just yet. He's a true bastard who would love nothing better than to get your hopes up only to dash them.

Good luck!!!

PS Have you bought those new lock barrels and latches yet???

I sincerely hope you have a peaceful Christmas OP

@AcrossthePond55 locks bought and installed.

He's said he's taking DD18's bed as he needs it for his spare room. She even texted him herself asking if she may at least keep the mattress. He's ignored her.
So on top of paying for everything- which is fine but annoying as he keeps coming back here! - it being 4 days before Christmas I have just bought her a new bed, which is being delivered tomorrow. The one in her room can go in the garage.

Good luck, I hope he keeps to his plans

Good going, @awesmum !

The bed thing would piss me off too, but it's worth it to get rid of him.

Grit your teeth and carry on. I guess it's like childbirth. A great deal of pain and a big mess, but so worth it in the end!

Have just read the entire thread.
Am speechless at the level of torture you and kids are under. Have your older kids disclosed much of this to anyone else? Teaching staff?
Keep going you are a warrior .

Great news about the locks- well done! Hang in there awesmum, get through Christmas and hopefully, fingers crossed, there's some light ahead

Just rtwt.
You're amazing @awesmum well done.
I agree so much with your comment about emotional abuse being worse, which is the situation I am in at the moment.
Could you get a tiny body cam? I've had one sat in my Amazon basket for a few months, I really do need to buy it.
That way it's not just the tests you have as evidence.
Are you anywhere near London?

@PatricksRum i use my phone, or my DD18 Uses hers to record interactions, I try to limit everything to text though and it has improved his behaviour somewhat. He clocked on top us recording him so is a lot more 'civil'. I do notice a significant difference in his behaviour when he catches me unawares coming into the house, say for instance I am in the garden and don't have my phone. But if I initiate a conversation or I know he is in I keep it on me at all times. Yesterday I got complacent and ironically he's behaviour deteriorated.
Before we split I bought one for the house as 'odd' things were happening in the house, money going missing and him blaming the kids, my stuff disappearing- makeup etc, or stuff being moved, it was driving erratically mad- a ploy. I thought someone was breaking into the house, he found it and went mental at me accusing me of recording him intentionally- it was in my bedroom (he hasn't shared my room for 3+ years) ironically after that all the 'odd' stuff stopped happening.
But I have been taking tips on how to deal with a narcissist from YouTube and it's helping. I don't antagonise, I don't react, I won't win, he believes his own lies, I don't counter his thoughts, I don't agree to anything, I don't do anything- I am completely passive. I just want him out, I want him out and the court to make the decisions and put those in place. I have the evidence of his behaviour and he won't listen to me, I am just someone to crush under foot whilst he gets his own way in everything - no more!

I am not far far from London. Feel free to dm

*me not erratically.

Now you have said he can take DD18 bed and purchased a new one.... what's the bet that he "won't need it anymore". He really is
a complete and utter twat.

Just play him at his own game. Act completely non plussed by anything he wants to take ... and he'll probably not bother taking it. Or .... would you get 'better" or quicker results i.e him leaving, if he thinks you're being really affected by him taking stuff?

Just play him to whatever is your best advantage.

@ChristmasFlary oh I imagine he'll 'need' it even if he gives it away he'd take it, just to spite DD18. She's always been a focus for his bullying.