Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

awesmum, you haven't mentioned any family, is there anyone close by who could support you and/or lend you the money for a deposit elsewhere?

Another thought I had is, would the landlord change the locks being as the STBXH has given notice? Someone needs to take action, this whole situation is a disgrace!

I am near Liverpool. If you live nearby I will help in any way I can xx

Thank you everyone for the support.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe I have some family unfortunately none which can help out in this situation, the kids and I have always pretty much been left to deal with stuff ourselves. My DM has been great at emotional support, and she's starting to realise that despite her suggestions of making reasonable requests to him that he's not reasonable nor going to be, and generally when I ask something he does the antithesis of it.

@Mrstobe90 thank you, I am not unfortunately or I would take your offer up even just for a coffee and a chat.

DD11 said something ever so powerful to me last evening,
She went downstairs the other day to get a drink and he was in the kitchen
He said ‘Are you just going to keep blanking me?’ (The last time he spoke to her was on her birthday when he called her pathetic and spiteful)
She ignored him.
He then said ‘You know there are 2 sides to the story and I am not the villain.’
She turned around and said
‘You’re not the victim though are you.'
She's my hero.

Someone asked if he threatened me or the kids, he's not threatening the kids, he's very intimidating with his behaviour, stance and looks, even nursery staff pulled me in once to say that the staff were scared of him, could I deal / do collections etc. This was when started over a year ago.
With me it's the intimation, the laughing in my face and subtle indirect threat, 'if I don't agree to his terms things will be made very uncomfortable in the house.'

Last night he dropped DD2 off at home at 8.30 then went, I thought he was staying at his house, but he came back at 12.30am. It's very unsettling.

Just wanted to say I've been keeping and eye on this thread and do care how your getting on. He's trying everything to make you feel threatened isn't he! Try reverse phycology.. give not a hoot to his behaviour, if he doesn't get a reaction I suspect he'd soon get bored. So frustrating that no one can help legally at this stage. Can you get away from this over Christmas at your mums? Hugs xx

He's totally playing mind games with you. Firstly, I'd ask the nursery to record their feelings, it's very inappropriate to say that to you and do nothing themselves. Secondly, try the LL again and ask him to change the locks. Thirdly, don't hand over your child to him until custody is sorted.
Maybe your mum is waiting for you to ask for her help? Can you go to hers for Christmas at least?
He's the one calling all the shots so how about reversing that and saying custody etc will be sorted once he leaves. I know this will be scary but that's what the STBXH is banking on. He cannot be allowed to do this anymore.

I do hope he's gone by next week and you have a peaceful Christmas.

Your DD is a bloody hero!! What an incredible young woman.

Depending how far away you are, I'd happily meet in the middle. My heart literally breaks for you. It's horrifying that someone can torture an entire house like he is.

I agree with the pp about asking the nursery to make a record of their feelings. The more people on your side, the better!

But he is threatening you and you are scared...

Start ringing your police domestic violence helpline every time this happens this gives them the leverage to remove him from the house!!!

I have read all of this and I’m so amazed by how strong you are. I agree with others it’s bloody terrifying. I can see you will get there eventually, sending you the strength to push through to that time. I too would be calling domestic violence every time I or my children felt intimidated and telling my mp how horrifying your situation is.

Wow I'm so proud off your DD, what a strong young lady she is! I bet you are one proud mamma

@whynot93 I don't react, I don't bite or answer or anything. I literally say things like 'say bye to daddy.' The only thing I have asked is whether he's bringing her home to my house the day he has her. I can't talk to him, I can't reason with him. I can't even believe this is the person I was married to, that I kissed and hugged. He's a completely different person to me, one I don't recognise nor want to know. He's a stranger to me.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe LL can't change the locks he has to sign off the tenancy, or he retains the legal right of entry. DM has family over at Christmas, so unfortunately we can't. I hope you're right. I am really struggling him being here.

@Mrstobe90 thank you. Nursery are aware of the situation and are being very helpful.

@RandomMess unfortunately as has consistently been my problem it's sometimes not what he say but the way he says it. I go to he police and say he's told me it will be very uncomfortable in the house if he stays, they say 'Yes well it will be.' No laws broken. I obviously need a black eye or broken nose for it to matter.

@timeisnotaline most of the time he's in the house the kids and I hide upstairs in our rooms. We avoid avoid avoid avoid.

@Frankswife87 she's actually my hero!

I know he's telling people I have turned the children against him and that I am cruel and unkind, all that he's done for them etc etc. Not one of these so called friends has texted or called to see if I am ok, or if the kids are ok. The people I thought were meant to be my friends, nothing. He won't be saying all the horrible things he's done, shutting DS in his room for 6 weeks with no tv or games jump books for a punishment when he was 9. That after work DD wasn't allowed to get food if it was past 9pm her shift finished. Or that if she came home after 11pm he'd lock her out. All these things he tried to implement but couldn't. All the hours of lectures I received. Or him reading my texts and telling me off for my parenting. Forcing me to have laser surgery on a tattoo, because he didn't like it. And then the lies he'll be saying too, like I stole from him ( I didn't actually gave him thousands of pounds in fact and I can prove all of it.)

I have just had a text from him wanting to know if I will give him extra time over Christmas. He had originally said I would have her 24,25 and 26. I said that wasn't fair as she'd want to see her dad too on Christmas, he countered with but I thought you would want to do your traditional Christmas with her, which I responded with yes I would, does that mean I will have her forever more over Christmas, he said no just this month. So I believe he had plans, perhaps to sit in the house on 'my Christmas' and see her anyway. Moron doesn't realise and I will say this till I am blue in the face 'It is not about me or him it's HER time.' Then I get 'but I want this' from him He then suggested that she and her 2 year old friend had organised a play date on the 23rd so could he have her . I despair! I have asked for an alternative.

I still get the prickly hot feeling of fear when he texts, or comes back here, it's horrible.

Fingers crossed I have some good news tomorrow.

No you say you are frightened

Have you tried a local dv service for support? If you google your area numbers will come up. They will take you seriously and offer you support. (If you don’t want to google you can pm me and I will find your local service)

You are amazing. Stay strong, how lucky your children are to have such a courageous mum, it will all pay off in the end x

I am so sad you are still going through this and that seemingly no-one in authority can help you! I thought coercion and control were now recognised as DV? He is being such a dick. Maybe the fact you seem so together and competent is a hurdle to the police seeing how much this is affecting you. Which would be rubbish - you are being so incredibly strong!! Surely letter from GP and SS could prompt them to action? His treatment of his own two year old is horrendous. And coming into your room is threatening / intimidating behaviour surely. I definitely care. Looked up your thread to check in how you were doing - was so hoping he would be gone by now. Well done your daughter - so brave. What’s wrong with the man? Heartbreaking for you. Maybe you wouldn’t want this but are there any friends or relatives who could come and live / lodge with you for a while - help with rent but also break open the stifling atmosphere of a man acting like he’s got everything under his control behind closed doors?

Also - isn’t it abusive behaviour to say you’ll move out, get own place but refuse to take name off tenancy agreement nor pay anything - that is financially controlling what you can do. He’s making you wear down your savings but not letting you go it contributing when he could - is that not also neglectful of his daughter?

I am sorry he has not gone yet.
Your daughter is amazing

Op I have just read the full thread xx how awful for you and your children, I am nearly crying about the awfulness of it all and I hope someone helps you get him out of your home xx

Have you phoned the Refuge helpline? I was supporting a friend after she was relocated from the area following DV. I was at my wits end with the police, and I spent hours on the phone to Refuge who offered me wonderful emotional support as well as some practical advice.

2 years on and we still don't understand why the police aren't presenting files to CPS for charges which are covered under Coercive control laws.

Feeling a lot more positive today emotionally. Had to deal with STBXH as was taking DD2 to hospital with regard to her skin issues, not sure why he was there he said nothing just sat there like a slug. Anyway she has more medication and we are to go back in a few weeks, the dr said she's to be barefoot as much as possible and to keep her feet in breathable shoes if wearing anything on them. She obviously won't be able to do that if he takes her to work.....

I have been watching lots of YouTube videos about how to deal with narcissists, I tried this tact today- he seemed taken aback, I felt much more empowered.

Despite court receiving and signing for my emergency forms last Friday, they have been lost and not processed- seriously you wouldn't believe it, yet another 'only kidding, you're no further forward!' So they're investigating where it's gone and going to call me back .

In answer to people's questions, refuge won't take us as my oldest children are too old. I am in contact with all local domestic violence teams, I have also spoken to citizens advice, police, the schools, and my gp. If you can think of anyone else that may be able to help, please do let me know.
I know it can be so hard to prove coercive control, but surely it can be done??

Just to clarify my post - I don't mean to call Refuge to be moved (I have followed from the beginning and I do understand why you need to stay where you are if at all possible). The charity itself will just offer a listening ear on the end of the phone. And they really know their stuff. They helped me to get my friend access to a local DA support group, when even her own court appointed IDVA hadn't bothered. So they might be able to give you some pointers re legal steps, and if not they really are just an understanding place to share your worries.

@queenrollo yes I have thank you. WA are also being amazing, however even they say until he's gone their hands are tied as to what they can help me with.

National centre for domestic abuse can’t do anything either and recommend I go back to my solicitor. They can’t do anything because he hasn’t been violent to me in the last 4 weeks. They can’t advise me about court. They're not interested in intimidation, financial control, coercive control, bullying, or relentless badgering. They don't care that I or the children are frightened. It has to be physical abuse.

The court have said I have to resubmit my form, that it won't be dealt with before Christmas.

So with support from WA I am trying to think of other options to do tomorrow.

Why hasn't your LL just evicted him as far as I know there is no signing off on anything.

plus there are refuge's that take 16 years old. It just means that a young lass won't be housed with you all as most are shared housing, but I think that ship has sailed now because of the time of year.

the bedroom thing would scare me and piss me of equal measure and id be phoning the police, also isnt it a health and safety issue with his work and isnt that an outside agency that deals with that might be worth looing into as well.

coercive abuse is now illegal in England in fact it has been for 3 years and soon will be in Scotland too, Police are not doing their jobs.

@Dullardmullard the LL can't evict one joint tenant without evicting the others. So can't evict him without evicting me. If they evict me, the council have said I would go into emergency housing with can be anywhere nationwide, I have 2 children in the middle of exams and one about to do SATs.

I truly regret taking him at his word that he was going to leave and not taking that house. I will NEVER trust anything he says again, hence wanting a court order.

I'm in the US so I don't know your laws, but why can't the LL evict the two of you and then immediately re-rent to you as sole tenant? I've known it to be done here, but it was a roommate situation and they wanted to get rid of a nasty roommate. So the LL evicted the lot of them, but had already quietly drawn up a new agreement with the other two roommates and a new third roommate effective with the first of the month following the eviction.

They were supposed to vacate on the last day of the month, but the nasty roommate did a bunk the weekend before to avoid having to do the expected clean up before leaving, so they didn't even have to make a show of moving out!