Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

This is bloody horrific, I’m so sorry.

Splink has said exactly the same thing to a number of posters today.

For legal advice try rightsofwomen.org.uk, your solicitor sounds truly shit! As for housing it may be worth approaching your council and making a homelessness application, you would be considered homeless under the grounds of da. (there doesn’t need to be physical violence) you should be offered temporary accommodation which I would suggest you take, if you are offered housing don’t tell him where you are which will give you time to get a child arrangements order in place.

Wow this is abuse plain and simple. What good are new laws about control and coercion if the police wont do anything? We are all here for you, I wish I could help in some way. You are very strong and brave xxx

I've just stumbled upon this post. I've no words of advice but I am rooting for you! You are strong and fierce and you can see this through! My mum says 'After the worst storm comes the most beautiful rainbow'. We are all behind you!!

to you op you deserve them. No real advice but as pp have said keep going, we're all behind you! Keep dd2 nursery, GP and HV all informed and on side, show you're trying to do the best for dd2 but your ex is not. I'd get ds to tell his school what stbxh did pushing him into the car etc. Be compliant with all the authorities and ask about safeguarding x

This is horrendous I'm so sorry op , but if he can grab your daughter from a car & keep her behind a closed door as in sitting room ,comes in to your bedroom when not asked ...do it back ..he gets away with it so you can do too , play the fool at his own game..angry for you .. been there

💐

Can you ask WA for a solicitor that is knowledgable about abuse?

@subspace
I absolutely loved your post. Such an easy thing to do yet really powerful.

I wouldn't wish ill of anyone but I think there should be an exception for him. How dare he mess with his daughter's health like that!!!

If he now has his own place and he has given notice to the landlord, once that notice is effective why not change the locks when he is out - can you get a friend or anyone to be there to support you on his return (and non entry) and during him removing his stuff if strictly needed? I am not sure what you can do about his unreasonableness re DD but I would tell him it’s best that a court ultimately decide access and keep an accurate log of his behaviour re keeping her out late, at work etc. The court will make decisions in the interests of the child. You also need a different solicitor. Make the change ASAP.

@GooseLose he has his own place, but refuses to sign off the tenancy on my house. The LL is getting very frustrated because having done the change of tenancy check he only has 30 days in which to change the details or we have to do it again and that comes at a significant cost to me and hassle to the LL.

@Mrstobe90 I know exactly what you mean!

@puddled2 I would do the same - however his bad behaviour reflects badly on him, and when it goes to court it will paint him very poorly, if I do the same I am no better. That coupled with the fact I am scared of him, daft in people's eyes, but until you have been so demoralised and beaten down it is hard to explain.

@CrazyToast the laws are so restrictive it's crazy, even him physically assaulting my son the police were reluctant to address. Apparently in their eyes I need to provoke him into violence.

@Happilysinglemum thank you for the tip, am going to get on to them.

He came into my bedroom again this morning, I can't put a lock on the inside of the door as my DD11 is still having nightmares since he's behaviours have escalated and comes in most nights.

Have you thought about going to see your local MP re the inaction of the Police? I know they don't have a good reputation but in cases like yours they can be very helpful. I keep thinking about you OP, it's terrible that you can't get the fucker out. One the note of your older daughter coming into you, would you consider having her sleep with you anyway and then put a lock on your door, I really couldn't put up with him coming in anytime he wants. Stay strong, we're all with you!

Has he moved his stuff out?

He told you he was moving out, he told the LL, he has a new place he's moved stuff.

You believe he's moved out so change the locks!

The only thing that would stop me doing that is getting an emergency hearing for DD residency and when you get one ensure it has the power of arrest attached to it.

Does he threaten you or act in a threatening way to you or the DC every time he does call the police.

Op why is he coming in to your room? Have you asked him why?

Is frightening really - OP is being so brave, but as all the comments here show we all really thought that there was protection in place for someone like her - why are so many agencies failing her? Its as if they simply can't be bothered to help. Has anyone got experience of this sort of blinkered attitude from the authorities?

Another one de-lurking to say I have so much admiration for you OP. But surely this is a safeguarding issue - I don't understand how SS think it's okay to physically drag your dd out of the car, keep her out until 10pm, leave her alone in the office while he attends meetings etc, let alone attack your son.

Please go back to SS and as another poster suggested - talk to your MP.

@tallwivglasses honestly I have no idea, everyone I speak to is horrified by his behaviour, but when they look at what they are able to do, it's nothing.

All I want to do in leave a truly unhappy controlling relationship and move on with my life. I don't want to stop him seeing his daughter, nor anything else. But he still retains control and is refusing to allow me to leave him.

@DishingOutDone I have tried everyone and I am stuck, I am no further down the line than I was 10 weeks ago and still see no end in sight.

@awesmum I have just read all of this and I'm speechless... my heart absolutely goes out to you, what a piece of shit your STBXH is. Please stay strong for yourself and the kids. This time next year you'll be looking forward to Christmas in a safe, happy home. Of course I have everything crossed you may get that this year though it seems to be a very long and exhausting process for you.

I'm coming back to this everyday to check how it is going. Please post regularly so we know you are ok

Just RTFT and just wanted to say stay strong you are awesome.

I cannot believe you are still in this horrendous position. Really hope she moves out by Christmas. Please keep posting your updates

*he