Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Time to get a lock fitted...

He could be things in there as well as taking stuff out!

Def time for emergency residency order

Nothing to add but offering a hand to hold 🤝

Also the fact he's not being so snidey about things, that worries me

I hear that! I always felt edgy when my ex would 'go quiet'. It usually meant that he was brooding on some imagined 'slight'.

Is there a reason for not putting a lock on your door? Are you worried it'll make things worse?

Meant to add, because if you did put a lock on and he broke it, especially if he did damage to the door, maybe that might be something that could be used to get him out.

Just speculating, though.

Is she home yet OP?

Yes, he brought her him at 9pm - I think to make the point to make me panic. This was after last weekend me asking him nicely if he could bring her home at 6.30 so i can get her settled into beds for 7.30. It's just spite and control. The person he is really hurting is her. She two years old for goodness sake!

@AcrossthePond55 I don't want to put a lock on the door really, it may make things worse, having said that courts going to kick things of big time, but I maybe forced to put a lock on.

He's very snidey - he's taken the spare keys to the house and car, he's removed keys from my keys set. I carry my handbags around like a loony old lady, I had been leaving it in my car but I found him in there one day snooping. I have all important paperwork hidden up from him, along with personal keepsakes.

@RandomMess I hadn't thought of him putting stuff in there to be honest

Jesus Christ.

I think the only thing you can comfort yourself with at the moment is that he must be really scared to keep this shit up.

Keep going longerOP, don’t let the twunt grind you down.

One day at a time, step by step.
It sounds like he is preparing to leave by taking stuff away.
Do you still have keys to the house and car?
If he is taking them, it may be time to get a lock on your door and put things in there

Yes I have my keys to the car and house, in my handbag that I carry around with me!

Yes I think he's leaving, but keeping control by not telling me, nor the LL. I am worried he thinks he can have his new place but not officially leave here, so I am stuck with the bills but he can come and go as he pleases. But hopefully next week I can get this dealt with.

I think he's loving this he seems to thrive on drama, he's always making a fuss of every thing, he's always being 'wronged' in some way or another. Such a headache!

Is there anything of value that you can sell to help pay the bills? Like the TV in the sitting room?
Sorry, I am getting mad for you at his behaviour

I'd put a lock on your bedroom door!

@awesmum You're probably right, it might make it worse. But can I suggest that you buy a lock for the bedroom now and stash it somewhere? That way if the shit hits the fan after the papers you'll have it to put on your bedroom door right away.

In fact, you may want to consider buying new lock barrels (cheaper than whole new locks) for your house doors, along with security chains/latches/bolts (like on hotel doors) for the inside. That way once he's gone you'll have them to change the locks immediately, rather than having to go to the shops after he's gone. At the very least, get slide bolts for all but the front door, and put a new lock on the front door.

You Tube has some good videos on changing out lock barrels.

Hi people
A little update- guess what! No change. He's still here, he's still refusing to leave. He has his own place, but won't tell me where it is or when he's leaving.
I have been to WA they are wonderful but unable to do anything except offer emotional support. I have been to the CAB they are unable to help as I have a solicitor. My solicitor told me to hand in a form - the wrong form, when I asked for advice 2 weeks ago I have heard nothing, I asked again last week nothing. The only other solicitor who I can see I cannot see for 6 weeks as they have no appointments.
So I am doing everything alone, all documentation, all advice, is through google, even the Domestic violence helpline can't give me legal advice.
I have a few things in the pipe line for next week fingers crossed. So if anyone is out there still interested or cares, I will update next week.

He's now bringing DD2 home at 9.30/10.30 pm when he has her, she exhausted and struggling. SS have been no help. But GP is on it, as is her nursery.

I have been trying to reconnect with friends, but it is so hard and I do feel so alone.
I have been suffering with palpitations and panic attacks when he calls / texts or comes in. I am hiding more and more in my room. I have lost 17lbs. But the good news is my cancer scare has proven to be nothing but the last 4 months has been a worry.

Hi @awesmum I haven’t commented (as I have nothing helpful to say...plenty of bad words for your ‘hopefully STBEX’) but have been reading and checking the thread everyday hoping for some relief for you from this situation.
Just wanted to say...I’m listening, and I care.

Good for you. New start for the new year! You definately won’t look back based on what you’ve experienced. Get him a card and pop the divorce papers in for Christmas xxx

Thank you 😊

Fantastic news re cancer!

We're still behind you, seething pit of vipers we are

Hang in there

In what way @splink?

praying you get this sorted before Christmas! What a DICK

I've never read a more clear cut controlling/coersive situation. Are you in UK, OP? You need to report this to the police, you shouldn't be having to live like this

You're doing what you can do. That's the right thing! Take the steps you can.

As far as the solicitor, I'd take that appointment 6 weeks out with the new one, and ask that they call you if they have any cancellations!! Doesn't mean you can't use the current one until then.

Keep on reaching out to friends and family. I know, it's hard. But you're doing hard things every day now, aren't you?

Hide when you need to hide. Let him think he's winning. We know he's not, not really. Remember the old saying about losing the battle but winning the war? Your victory may not be tomorrow. But it will happen.