Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

RTWT.

Gosh I would have walked out long ago and taken the kids, you are stronger than me.

You need an arse kicking solicitor. I'd hold her and tell him no -if he tried to take her. I'd phone the police if he tried.

Hopefully the courts will realise what’s in her best interests. If he doesn’t usually do much of the care, and this clingyness is just to spite you, then he will soon get tired of the reality of looking after her!

For what it’s worth, I think you and your children are so brave and strong, I hope my post doesn’t come across critical, I just wanted to put what I thought the courts might also think- from ‘full time dad’ (even if he doesn’t actually do anything) to eow and a Wednesday is a big drop.

I hope he doesn’t get anything really

@bertielab I truly wish I had left now, unfortunately as he's refused to pay his half for the last 3 months it has truly depleted my nest egg. Which would be fine if he'd left, it was there to carry me till I got a job living alone or get me out if he stayed. Him saying he's going then not has royalty screwed me over.
The problem with confrontation, although everyone says do it, he comes back here every night, I still have to live with it and so do my children. There is no escape from him.

@Nesssie I want him to see her, till she's old enough to make her own mind up - just like his sister did, just like his nieces and nephews too. the clingy ness is creepy.

@Nesssie out of curiosity, as he works a 40-50 hour week I don't know when else he could have her apart from EOW and 1 day during the week. Unless he has her every weekend? How would it work?

@awesmum I have just read the whole thread, you have been amazing!! I have been through similar getting each to leave, took a long time and an injunction. I left that house too before the injunction expired to make sure I was completely free of him.
A P.P mentioned surestart or approaching school/ health visitor for support. I'm social care background too, at the moment early help is a massive government initiative (google it) they (school/surestart etc) can arrange a meeting with relevant professionals and everyone provides the necessary support needed. This will include your ds. I've got a ds same age who's been caught up in situations so I I feel for yours too. Wishing you loads of luck

ExH not each!!

💐 stay strong

Have you asked him about paying his half of the rent/bills or leaving?

Op in Australia he would get every other weekend, maybe a Wednesday dinner. The courts don't consider it within the child's best interests to be carted back and forth between houses and disruptive routines - particularly if there are communication problems between the parents, or in your situation one parent that refuses to communicate (which is so often why it ends up in court). They also wouldn't accept the child being looked after by family members regularly if he said he wanted her 50/50, and that's how he would manage.

So while i see a pp has said what you offered isn't fair, I just want to reassure you that looking out for her best interests and not his is the right thing.

@Petitprince Yes I have, unless I agree to all his terms without question nor negotiation he will pay both nor leave is his stance.

Sorry not pay pay nor leave.

You poor thing. Is there any option of taking the money you're owed out of the account you are a signatory to? Better to apologise than ask permission etc?

@Petitprince no, we both need to sign to take any money out, which is why he wants me to sign it over to someone else so that he can withdraw what he likes.

How much is in the account he's desperately trying to get signed over OP?

@MiniCooperLover £40,000

Hmm that explains his doggedness. And I assume he doesn't intend to give any of it to you??

@MiniCooperLover oh no the terms that he will leave is I agree to giving him all that, making no claim on the business and 50/50 or full custody of DD2. Otherwise he's staying and not paying a thing.

He's bonkers. Hold firm and see a solicitor asap!

All you can do is stay strong, don't cave, and pursue through legal channels. You may not get everything you want, very few do. But you will get free and you will end up with something, and that's the important part.

He's playing the waiting game, waiting for you to cave. Play it right back with him.

Is that account 'joint money'? Sorry if you've said before. If it is would there be any point in asking your solicitor if there's any way that account could be 'forced split' by court order at this point, with each of you getting half (or whatever would be fair)? I'm pretty unfamiliar with the UK legal system/divorce procedures as I'm in the US.

@awesmum wow, that sounds like the sort of stunt my DP's ex tried to pull on him. At one point she wanted 80% of everything and tried (unsuccessfully, thank God) to blackmail him into that. When she realised blackmail wouldn't work, she started threatening to kill herself and DD(16 at the time).

The final split financially was 50/50 as the opinion of the judge was that 50% gave her enough to buy a property and live reasonably, and she was perfectly capable of working to earn a living.

I don't think any solicitor would allow you to agree to those terms; if you've been together a long time, the starting point is generally 50/50 then it gets varied according to age of DCs. Hang on in there, but I realise it must be bloody awful.

Hang in there, no advice but sending positive thoughts

If you want a job doing you actually have to do it yourself. Despite sending signed forms to my solicitor asking if I should do the forms myself on Tuesday getting an assurance they would be completed, because I was very concerned that he would do a flit with DD2. Forms have not been done and he's emptying the house!

Cue me getting my grrrrr on, doing the forms (god awful things) filling them out in 3 hours, copying in triplicate as per court instructions and getting them out recorded delivery for Monday.

I will admit to being absolutely terrified that he won't bring DD2 home - yes he has her. Also that he will go mental when getting the court either decision (I have requested he isn't informed initially due to his behaviour) or a summons. Especially if he's still coming here. Which I don't know if he's leaving or not, he's not told the LL a yuans he's mightily peeved at him.

I am calming myself thinking of Co he'll bring her home, not the normal time he does of 8.30 I bet later just to put the fear of god into me. But having said that if you asked me would he have done any of the things he has done in the last 2 months 6 min ago I would have them you were crazy. I say again I don't know this man.

He's actually taken the tv out of my bedroom, were I sit, because I can't go into the sitting room because 'it's his room' the last time I did he went and got INTO my bed. So as the cf hasn't paid anything towards the household bills. I have changed the WiFi password which means he can't watch tv either.
What that may mean is that I am forcing him out and / or winding him up to the point he may go mad.

I am currently sitting on a permanent knife edge of anxiety of what's going to happen next? How long am I going to have to keep hiding in my own home? When will I feel that my kids are safe? When will I feel safe? Will it always be this hard?

@awesmum I just wanted you to know I've been following your thread for the last week-I haven't commented as to be honest I have no experience of these matters. But each time I see an update I am willing it to be more strong action from you (you are amazing) and that the absolute cock of a husband gets what's coming to him...he will...it may just take more time.

Of all the threads I've read on MN, I have never heard from such a brave, strong, loving, independent and fierce woman as yourself. You are OWNING this in every sense of the word.

Much love to you and stay strong...you've got this 🙌🏻💪🏻

Put a lock on your bedroom door.

As far as emptying the house, in end it's just 'stuff'. You can get more stuff. But you should be taking important docs, sentimental items and getting them out. Rent a locker, take to a friend's, heck, put it in a plastic bag and shove it under the house. A MNer some time ago hid a wad of cash in a Tampax box under the bathroom sink because she knew it was the one place he'd never look.

As far as DD, take a deep breath. He'll bring her home, as you say probably late tonight. He has to come back since he 'isn't going to leave the house', remember?

@AcrossthePond55 the stuff doesn't bother me in the slightest, I am more annoyed about the fact he's come into my bedroom again. There's no reason for him to. But every day he does. Also the fact he's not being so snidey about things, that worries me. But there's nothing more I can do at the moment.

I am sure he'll bring her home🤞🏻.