Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Is the house solely in your name now? Does that not mean you can refuse access to him? You are doing an amazing job. It sounds tough. You still managing to reconnect with friends?

Op I really feel you should consult another lawyer. My first lawyer was shit. My second really understood coercion, emotional abuse and the psychological mind fucking of my ex. He gave me tools my first lawyer would never even have begun to think of (useless cow).
Worst case scenario if I were you, I would take all the kids when he's not there and go to a refuge.

I've just RTFT and just wanted to offer you some more support. He sounds like an absolute shit. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but try to hold on to the fact that this won't last forever (it can't!). What has your solicitor said about applying for an occupation/prohibited steps order?

Have just read your thread and just wanted to say it might not feel like it but you are doing so well. They might seem small but you are making steps to get this bully boy out of your life. Tough, tough times but you will find strength when you think you have nothing left and help where you least expected it. Keep going, and one day you will be free of all this and you can live the life you deserve
Love and hugs to you

Thank you all for your support, it genuinely really is helping me.

The police can't do anything as it's a civil matter, even him assaulting my son they will just make a note of it.
WA were amazingly helpful, however can't do anything apart from offer support and 'see what they can do'.

My solicitor is away until mid week next week, so from what all the teams that help people in this situation say is 'Put up and shut up.'

I just have to keep my head down for the next week until my solicitor does something.

There are only 2 solicitors that accept LA and an appointment for the other one is in a month.

So when solicitors gets back I am going to insist on an occupation, residence, and non molestation order.

@SD1978 he's refusing to sign the house over until I agree to his terms.

@twodogsandme I can't go into a refuge my son is 16 and they won't accept him.

So I just have to accept him doing what he wants, when he wants how he wants because he hasn't hit me. But grabbing my son of 15 by the scruff of the neck and throwing him into the side of a car is fine, physically taking my DD2 off me is fine, blackmailing me into staying in this situation is fine, refusing to pay his way is fine, being derogatory and manipulative and a bully is fine ... please tell me how this fucked up situation can be occurring in a reasonable world.

Oh and I took someone's advice and took some pictures of 'his' bedroom, bathroom and sitting room. Now I have been into properties that had a dead body in it for 4 days, and that didn't make me gag - but the stench in his room did ...

I have been considering this thread for a few days with a social care hat on.
Front line social workers have a huge amount of he said, she said referrals. They are often malicious and usually go no where so social care can be reluctant to engage. However what is happening to your family isn't okay so it is about getting social care to see past the marriage break up and ensuring residence dispute angle.
Throwing DC against cars isn't okay, the best way to get violence against DC taken seriously is to get the DC themselves to disclose it directly to an agency that have to report it, so telling a teacher at school or phoning childline and asking them to help getting it to stop.
Another possible avenue is to try and get support from somewhere like a children's centre if you have one or a parenting support worker, primary schools often have access to them. Once these lower tier workers understand the situation you are in they are likely to support you and consider engaging social workers to support you.
Keep going.

Just wanted to offer you a virtual handhold. I think the problem is that this is not a reasonable world. It’s shit. But you are doing what you can and you are doing it amazingly. It doesn’t feel like it now and I know what anxiety feels like but even with that, because of how you choose to be in spite of it, you are so strong in ways he isn’t. He’s a total coward. He doesn’t have the reserves of strength you have. He’s lashing out in panic and yes he’s enjoying your pain when he realises he still has power over you. That shows you who he really is. You brought those children into the world and I am really hoping and praying that you get someone fighting for you soon. But you sounds like a fighter so you can keep going. Remember how you felt when you went for that run? That’s still possible. Thinking of you! Xxx

Have just rtwt and am another one here in awe at your courage and determination. You're right it's outrageous that it's seemingly impossible to get help out of your situation. Don't give up, keep going, keep going, keep going.

Please stay strong. It can’t go on forever, you’ll be free and happy one day. You’re doing brilliantly x

Awesmum, I've just RTWT and am rooting for you the whole way xx

Thank you all.

Currently keeping my head down and avoiding all contact where possible. He's changed tact to sending ever so nice but passive aggressive messages telling me what I am doing. I think this is for his solicitor / mediation. He's still being controlling in the message ie 'You can have A or B that is it' when actually I want C.

He's still not paid anything into the house, had ago at me for getting DD mcD's on her birthday but buying himself take out all the time and out to dinner every other night. He's still keeping DD2 out till 8.30pm every day he has her.

I know this won't last forever ever, I know that what I am doing is right. It is still so hard.

Even when I am going through my day he has to text me just to remind me 'hey still here, still a jerk, still controlling your life, still not letting you be.'

Just remember the words of the great Winston Churchill:

"When you're going through hell, keep going!!!"

OP I can't tell you how impressed I am with how you are conducting yourself in the face of the hell you have been living through these past few weeks. There are so many of us on here willing you on, praying for an end to the turmoil and twisted mind games. Please take strength from this JK Rowling quote: Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. You will rebuilt your life, you will be happy again - maybe not as rich or successful as JK, but as good as!

Hi OP. How was your weekend? Sending strength and supportive vibes your way

@AcrossthePond55 Am keeping on going!

@DancingInTheCellar that really gave me pause for thought, thank you.

@BeUpStanding lovely weekend when he wasn't there, when he was it involved him bursting into the bedroom whilst I was settling DD2 down for bed and him shouting at me I was putting her to bed to spite him. Then when he asked to spend an hour with her and I agreed, stupidly as the next day when he was sitting in the dark sitting room with the curtains drawn and her shut in there, I and DD11 were in the garden I asked if I could borrow her for a while, he came out after 10 minutes slagging me off to DD2 how it's his time and I wouldn't leave the house when I should as it's his day. Er seriously??
I had nicely asked him if he could possibly bring her home for 6.30 so I could get her into bed at a reasonable time as I had for the last few days I had had her as it allowed me to medicate her etc. So he took her to work?? Then brought her home at 7.15pm.

I had mediation today - they said it's definitely not suitable and gave me paperwork to take it straight to court. So another box tickEd. Just hope my solicitor can get straight on it (I will insist on it) and we can get this underway. Mediation recommended trying the police again...

I am soooo hoping that you get custody! She deserves a calm and stable life that only you can provide.

He sounds so pathetic and petty. He's genuinely not all there.

His behaviour is atrocious - but you know that already. The way he treats DD2 is abusive; all he is thinking about is his needs, not her's, so speaking to the police again does sound sensible. Great that you want to mediation today and are continuing to nudge things forward.

Has anyone yet recommended you read Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"? It's brilliant for explaining angry and controlling men; lots of women have found it really helpful.

You're doing brilliantly in what is a horrendous situation

You are keeping a diary of his behaviour aren't you? I'm absolutely appalled that he can treat a young child like this, particularly when she needs medication!

@WitchDancer yes I am. Honestly it's horrendous. He is seriously not considering her at all. He has no routine, no consideration about food or meal times. No thought for her skin problems. No thought for her sleep patterns. He doesn't really interact with her, he plays on his phone or gives his phone to her. The only time I know he plays with her when she says she wants to leave the sitting room so he starts throwing her in the air.

Another full of admiration for how well you are doing. Who is the mediation with OP?

I’m expecting to get flamed for this but this was my initial reaction to your thread. It doesn’t make me any less sympathetic to your situation, you’ve been through hell.

He’s an arse, no doubt about it and the situation has spiralled since but as I read the thread I thought your original offer of him having his daughter on Wednesdays and eow was a bit insulting so I’m not surprised he took to hiding away with her.

He’s turned out to be a dick no doubt about it but I do think you need to be prepared to give him more access. Especially as he seems to be quite -weirdly- close to her.

Posted too soon.

His idea of alternate days is ludicrous though, and I guess it depends who works which days as to whether a weekend/weekday split works.
However I imagine the reality of having to look after her for 3 days in a row will soon bring a stop to it anyway.

I truly hope you take him for everything he has, he sounds like a piece of work.

@Nesssie my initial thought was with regards to access was to work it out as we went, each have every other weekend, then through the week work it out as we went. He said the same, every time he asked to have her I rarely said no - unless we genuinely had something planned- it worked out every Wednesday and one day on the weekend which is why when he started to get arsey I said EOW and every Wednesday evening. Before we split he wouldn't come home before 8 most nights so saw her briefly and only one day on the weekend.
My offer came after he said he wanted her 100% of the time.

I also counter offered after some time 5 days me 3 days him. He refused.