Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Good luck with all of this, reading it is distressing, I can’t imagine how you live it 💐

@Weenurse it's certainly a challenge. I am not entirely sure what I am doing is living to be fair, I am sort of existing from one event to the next. Whilst trying to hold it all together and be a mum. All last night I woke every half hour in a panic about loosing my DD2. With visions of him laughing at me, the same laugh he gave when he said he was having DD2 yesterday. He knows he's beaten me down so much I am terrified of speaking to him.

No joy with getting in contact with anyone today. I will keep trying.

My anxiety levels are through the roof anticipating him saying he's having her. I can't even plan play dates for her as he whips her off as and when he chooses.

I think the next time he physically takes her then you need to log it with the police...

Keeping her at work with him is less than idea (if not neglectful), but it’s lusicr if you’re at home willing to have her.

Seriously OP, you need to get this access sorted via court otherwise he’ll continue to use force to gain access to her. It’s like the Judgement of Solomon story, the real mother will always let go because she doesn’t want to harm the baby - and he knows that

Surely your Health Visitor & Social Services are your first port of call, as well as logging it with the police?

Your ex may think he's being big and clever but he's nothing but abusive and is emotionally abusing his daughter. You need to put a stop to this now.
Have you told your solicitor what he is up to with your child?

@PaleRider1 yes I told my solicitor, he said I should tell him he can't take her, I am not convinced he fully understands what being with someone like this is really like. He's also said when he leaves we'll have to agree to access, again not sure he fully understands my predicament. Hence trying to get into contact with other agencies.

Most people say things like well why don't you suggest this or that to him, thinking he's reasonable or rational. I am dealing with someone who thinks they know everything, that everyone is stupid apart from him and that by being a bully he can get what he wants.

I hadn't thought of health visitors to be fair - I have never found them to be particularly helpful unless weighing baby's.
I might just give them a call though.

Does your solicitor specialise in abuse cases? You must ask him how much experience he has in this field.

You need to explain that H us getting physical with DD and you and you are scared and he ignores you and just physical takes her anyway. Please call your solicitor and speak to him, explain is escalating and you need to apply for an emergency order for your DDs welfare.

Yes definitely your Health Visitor, they will know how to help you and support you and your daughter

So social services think it's ok for him to drag her out of the car as he's her dad. Ironically women's aid aren't as impressed.

I've just had a text from him telling me when he's having her, when I said I had plans on one of those days he's had a go at me.

This is so hard! Even seeing there's a text from him absolutely terrifies me.

@RandomMess going to try the solicitor now.

"DD's needs come first medical and social, this about what she needs not what you demand as your right"

Go grey rock and just repeat the above.

I am just ignoring it. It's truly awful the physical reaction my body has when I get a message from him or when he talks to me, I actually go to pieces. It is better that is a text so I can pull myself together to deal with it. In person I am a wreak. I have an appointment tomorrow to help me deal with this. Honestly I have never felt so beaten.

#awesmum#

I've just rtft and wanted to give you my support. it's hard going but you are doing the right thing. one day in soon you'll see the benefits of going through this. my mum went through very similar to you. I'm soooo glad she left him. it took a long time and was very difficult in the short term. I'm now grown up and very happily married to a man the complete opposite to my dad

Social services won't do anything
My solicitor won't do anything
They say log it with the police
The police won't do anything as he hasn't committed a 'crime'

This is why women die, this is why women don't leave, this is why!

You need a different solicitor, can WA recommend one?

Sorry really need to pull myself together.

I have appointments tomorrow, with WA and police. I have a mediation appointment on Monday. I have a feeling this is going to get worse before it gets better. My problem is I can't see an end in site. He needs to leave and we need the court to discuss access. He won't leave. I can't leave, he's backed me into a corner, financially, emotionally etc, and he's having great fun torturing me. If he leaves he can just take DD and won't tell me where.

I can't believe he can get away with this. How was I with this person for so long??

I can't believe I have to sleep in the same house with this piece of s**t and put my children to bed in the same house as him.

He's the fucking devil! I hope karma fucking destroys him!!!!

Wishing you and your children a happy future.

I've only just read this thread OP but can I just say that you are the most incredible mother to your children?

You've been the strongest person and you HAVE got this. I don't have much advice, other than please stay strong use any and all help / advice you can get your hands on

OP have you tried the National Domestic Violence helpline I find they are really supportive and can put you in touch with someone who can do the Prohibitive steps order etc with you -

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

They are really expert on co-ercion and and psychological abuse as well; please give it a try.

I've only just read this thread OP but can I just say that you are the most incredible mother to your children?

You've been the strongest person and you HAVE got this. I don't have much advice, other than please stay strong use any and all help / advice you can get your hands on

@DishingOutDone I have been trying them throughout the days at different times even at midnight and they are constantly busy. Everything is such a battle.

@Omzlas thank you. I really don't feel strong at the moment. I just keep looking at my DC and praying I can keep this going.
100% there is NO going back, it's just the not breaking along the way that worries me. This is without doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I just wish I knew that it would be over in a month or 2 months, or at some point, Because at the moment I see no end in site. Where he said he was leaving then retracted it hit me harder than I realised, but that again is the controlling side of him, to lull me into a false sense of security.

@Mrstobe90 I think you're right! I don't think I ever knew him at all.

Awesmum hope the meetings go well tomorrow.

He sounds like such an arsehole. All the kudos to you for being able to tolerate his shit and not get drawn into his mind games.

In 2006 when I was married to former husband, he refused to pay any bills /rent and also refused to leave after I said we needed to separate. (He was from overseas and sent EVERY PENNY) Home to his family and to build two houses we would NEVER live in. I couldn't move elsewhere- as like you I was spending all my money paying the bills to keep a roof over out head.

I couldn't afford a lawyer. Instead I went to the county court and made an application for an occupation order. It cost me nothing as court orders have an exception from paying based on your household income and number of children. I can remember the amount I could earn before I wasn't entitled to exemption being quite high.

I got a hearing with a judge in his Chambers . I told him what was happening. He agreed to give me an occupation order. It was literally the same day. My then Stbx was not physically violent. I had not made previous complaints of financial abuse. The order gave him 2 Weeks to vacate the property during which time he had the right to appeal the order. He didn't bother and thankfully left.

Is this something you would consider. ? Your lawyer is sounding a bit wet tbh. With the catalogue of abuse he has subjected you and your children to - it does sound like you have more than enough to get an order. I was guided by it all by someone at Citizens Advice. But really the court were incredibly helpful.

parchwork I had suggested that earlier in the thread but I am not sure you can get an occupation order on a rental property? I also believe you can get a combined occupation order and prohibited steps order which would prevent him from taking little DD, as an emergency. I know you can do all that without a solicitor, but it would help to get some advice - if only OP's lawyer wasn't so wet as you (very politely) put it! Poor OP desperately needs someone in her corner.