Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

I'd stop paying the Sky regardless since it's not in your name. No point in spending money you don't have to spend. It's not so much about not paying 'his' Sky bill, it's about a few more much needed £ in your own pocket.

Does the landlord have any idea about the mess he's making in 'his' rooms in the house? Would it be bad enough to tell the LL to see if he will evict him?

And this coming and getting DD really pisses me off! Have you considered putting a flip lock on the sitting room door so he can't just walk in? But I know, sometimes it's just more about not making a bad situation worse. Although if he's doing it against her wishes (she's crying for you etc) and since he's also hurling abuse at you in front of her then that might be something worth speaking to WA about. Google 'parental alienation' and see if it fits him. Then talk to WA. I don't know about the UK, but here in the US it's grounds for terminating visitation (access) rights and can be enough to have a parent removed from the home.

I think it may be time to start pulling out all the stoppers. Another thing to ask WA about for DD is maintenance payments. Can he be forced to pay if you're all in the same household? If he's refusing to pay one penny towards the household expenses, I don't think it would be unreasonable to file a claim. Also, since you are for all intents and purposes 'separated living in the same house' would you qualify for any additional/new benefits?

Best of luck on the interviews. Fingers crossed for you.

Yes you can start a claim via CMS and you can claim tax credits as a single person (you May have to argue with TC but you can).

I wouldn't be moving bills into your name as you will then be liable!!! Stop paying the bills unless in your name or joint.

Every time something positive happens I get slapped very hard in the face but something shitty happening! The LL has decided that £4000 up front is now not what they want they want a guarantor- FFS I don't have one. So they're going to issue an eviction notice next week because of the hassle he's being.
They won't accept the council giving the deposit. I am at my limit of tolerance, no wonder people stay in shitty horrible relationships as EVERYONE makes it so fluffing hard to leave.

I'm so sorry to be trashing this. Why is the landlord evicting? Also, there is a process they have to go through- you can stay in the property past the eviction date, if you have no where else to go. Is there no one who can guarantor for you? Your mum maybe? You're not going to need it, you juts need a name. When do you see the solicitor next? And all the bills- are they in his name, your name, or joint? If his- stop paying them. He will have to then, or it will affect his credit rating, not yours. Have you contacted CMS, and any applied for any benefits you may be entitled to- this still applied as you can be separated under the same roof so have a single parent claim. You need to talk to the council again, or women's aid- they may be able to help regarding the reference since you're leaving an avisive relationship, and can't provide the useial references. When is the interview for the new job? Good luck with that. This time is shit. But it will pass. You are going to get there xxx

Don't shoot me, but this may turn out to be a good thing in the long run. I know you don't want to leave the house, but the chances of him ever leaving are practically nil. IMO, it probably would have ended up with you getting to your wit's end and being the one to go anyway. Just take a deep breath and forge ahead.

Unfortunately, I'm not in the UK so don't really have any practical advice on where you go now for re-housing, council help, etc. I'm sure someone will be along with more knowledge of resources you can use.

Trying to think of a way to salvage this for you and this may not be practical, but is there anyone you know who would be willing to stand guarantor in 'exchange' for your £4000 as security? You could set up an escrow account of some type so the money would be protected for both you and that person. If you can find someone, talk to your LL and see if he'll do as I suggested and process the eviction, then immediately re-rent the property to you in your sole name with the guarantor set up as I suggest (if it's possible).

Is the guarantor because the LL is concerned about the mess he's making costing him money? Is he worried about having huge cleaning & redecorating expenses because of it? Does LL understand that he would be renting to you alone?

This might turn into a positive OP. I know you don’t want to leave but you can now start to look for somewhere on your own, with your dc, where your stbexh won’t be able to bother you.

I think Acrossthepond is bang on. Let the ll evict you. You have £4000 to give him? Use it to secure a new place for you and the kids. Your idiot ex then has no claims on the property and you're free and clear of him. Win!

Why does he want dd2 so much? Is she his only biological child? Or is it because he's just a twat?

I think it's both Maelstrop.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this awesmum. I do think that any decent solicitor would be able to help, because not only is there absolutely no way his behaviour would get him 50/50 custody, but you should be owed money for your role and investment in his company. You must be on very strong legal grounds, you just need to be able to get into a position to execute them. What did mediation say about custody? I can't believe anyone wouldn't be concerned about his behaviour with your little DD. You obviously do have a lot of strength, just remember that and keep ploughing on. You will get free.

Oh, another thing. Consider taking pictures of 'his' rooms if you can if they're obviously filthy. Not exactly sure what you'd do with them, but you never know if or when they might come in handy.

Good thinking Acrossthepond. If there are accusations of being unfit mother etc, it could be useful to show who is unfit

Hello everyone. So for every bit of good news I get I get royally kicked down, except today, nothing major has happened, but the house is mine, if he agrees to move out. My solicitor was majorly helpful today, and things are underway there. The big kids are all doing great. Downside- DD2 is still being dragged off and hidden away, on the days he has her he's keeping her out the house until 8.30pm, and she's exhausted, she's not getting her proper medical care for her skin issues as he's keeping her out so late, so I am considering who I can speak to about that, that and the fact he's taking her to work with him which is ridiculous as I am at home, so it is out of spite. So suggestions of who I can speak to about that. I am going to start with women's aid tomorrow as they've been really helpful they may have a suggestion.

I am going to have the initial meeting at mediation soon hopefully, I will take all evidence of his unreasonable behaviour so hopefully that'll put a line under that.

As for me emotionally- I have been in a hugely violent relationship before and quite frankly I am more terrified of my STBXH and his incessant talking at me that I ever was at taking a slap, or a punch or being dragged out of a moving car by my hair. I haven't cried now for 7 days! That's a record since being with him. Even my solicitor commented on how much better I looked! I can't bare the thought of talking to him or hearing him talk anymore. I am going to leave it in the hands of other people, with my direction obviously.

What job does he do that he can take DD with him?

He owns his own company, which has a workshop, he has her in the office, he goes into meetings / the workshop and leaves her in the office.

How old is she OP? Once he’s out of the house I’d be taking the legal route re access and asking a judge to decide if he should be keeping his dd at work when you are home and happy to have her. I’d say a judge would prob take a dim view of him doing that, especially as he’s not medicating her correctly and she’s going to bed too late

She's 2

I e only just caught up on the full thread. Jesus Christ.

There are so many high fives and hugs to give but please be reassured that there’s zero chance of him getting 50/50 in this situation.

I’m sending you strength for the next hurdle and crossing everything that you get a break soon x

I would speak to NSPCC his care of her at work sounds neglectful - if he's not supervising her and she's roaming free in a non-safe environment? Can she gain access to the workshop and how safe is that?

Also it's clearly being done maliciously to deprive you of being primary carer and not in DDs best interests.

They may say it's fine but it would be helpful to gain their option on her being at his place of work.

Keep a diary with specific dates/times that he's taking DD to work as well as the times she's missed her medications; "I was home all day for DD, but DH left house with her at 7.15 am, returned 8.25 pm. Missed 2 doses/treatments. DD very tired/cranky". If she seems very hungry or whatever, document that too. Be very careful, he may try to imply that you either didn't want to be bothered with her or that you were incapable of caring for her.

Who is watching her in his office when these meetings are taking place? Surely he isn't leaving her unsupervised?

Speak to WA and speak to your solicitor.

Yes yes yes to a log, he is denying her the physical care she needs and acting in an emotionally damaging manner

Solicitor told me to tell him he can't take her, problem is he'll do the whole 'she's my daughter too' and I can't be drawn into a physical tug of war with her. He dragged her out of the car the other morning when I was on the school run - she always goes on the school run with me, and always has, as I was dragging her out of the house when he was there. He will physically take her off me, or not allow me to take her from him.

I think you should go back to the police.... I know they said there were no offences but I think you’re looking at coercion and control. ( it’s lots of persistent things done to control you) You need to speak to a domestic violence expert and not a general patrol officer. You can also raise the issue of neglect of DD2 - it’s completely unacceptable to leave a child of that age uncared for while he has meetings elsewhere. I’m not saying he will be thrown in handcuffs but it’s another agency who can advocate for you. These officers have links with the council and can assist with housing moves where victims were vulnerable.

I guess you need to apply to have main residency with agreed contact and fast with his physical force etc being the reason for an emergency hearing.

I would ask your solicitor if this can be done before his enforced 50:50 becomes the norm.

He's an abusive bastard your poor DD.

Again Log all of us and please speak to NSPCC and WA.

OP you can ask your solicitor to apply for an emergency Prohibited Steps Order tomorrow. He cannot keep a 2 year old in an office so as to keep her away from you - have you told the solicitor thats what he's doing? You need a Child Arrangement Order ASAP but the first step is the emergency PSO. WA should be able to confirm this too.

When you have the time and energy OP have a read through of this and see how many of the behaviours he ticks. It might make it easier to break down the different types of abusive behaviour for the solicitors etc.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

I agree 100% that you should NOT get into a physical tug of war (or words) with him over DD. But 'log it'. "Tried to take DD on school run/ to the store/for her bath, XX grabbed her out of my arms/took her from the car and would not give her back when I asked him to".

Is there a way you can get her in the car and lock the car door so he can't get to her?