Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Good luck💐

Pleased to read your update just hang on in there

OP - I could have written your post as I'm going through the same thing for exactly the same reasons as you .

Massive hand hold and please feel free to PM me x

A little update.
Despite telling the landlord he's leaving, me paying an astronomical deposit to ensure I keep the property, he's now said to the landlord he's not going to sign over the tenancy unless I agree to all his terms (50/50 contact, he has business, all money - get a car and fridge).
He's now refusing to pay towards rent and bills. He has sole access to 1 bathroom, the sitting room and a bedroom.
He verbally abused my DS and DD11 on her birthday saying they were spiteful and pathetic for opening a door to a room they were in.

Having had a few knock backs this week trying to progress this awful situation, surprisingly rather than being in tears as I was at the beginning of the week, I am back feeling really angry! I have applied for a new job, so feeling excited and nervous about that. I can and I will do this! No one calls my kid pathetic nor spiteful especially on her birthday, she worth a million of him!

Doesn't surprise me one bit.

My first suggestion would be to speak to WA and see if they have any suggestions. If you're saying he's denying you free usage of the bathroom, that's abusive behaviour. If they can't help, speak to your LL. Would he be willing to end the joint tenancy via evicting both of you and immediately signing a new sole tenancy with you? I don't know the legal ins and outs of this in the UK, but I've known of it happening here (US). As a last resort, move yourself.

You need to call the police. He's being abusive.

Sorry I wasn't clear - we have 2 bathrooms, he has complete sole access to 1 of them. He's being an absolute arse but not breaking any laws.

Keep a record of all these events and speak to your solicitor. I'm not sure what the threshold would be for successfully obtaining a non molestation order or occupation order are but I went to court for both. You may also have a way to get him out if the landlord gives you notice and then you sign a new lease. Discuss your options with a solicitor. He is trying to blackmail you so keep a record of everything, dated and with a breakdown of what was said and screen shots of any emails or texts.

So he is living there until you concede to all his demands & not paying anything toward rent or bills ?
In that case you need to move out, if you are paying everything already

If he's refusing to pay rent or bills, he shouldn't be living there! What a fucking arsehole!
I hope your dd is ok!

I hope that he gets out ASAP!!! Xxx

Speak to a solicitor about what it would take to get him removed from the house. Ask about the LL filing an eviction order then re-renting to you only.

Once you've exhausted those possibilities (and any other you can think of), then you'll have to consider moving yourself, even if it means downsizing. In the meantime, if you aren't already, stop all domestic services. Cooking and laundry only for self and DC. Food purchase the same, even if you have to lock it away. Speak to him only when absolutely necessary. It has to start getting 'uncomfortable' for him.

@AcrossthePond55 I haven't done anything for him since the 5th October- apart from putting his washing up in the dishwasher, his sitting room reeks, his bedroom and bathroom are disgusting and when I had family over I had to put no entries in the doors as everything is so dirty and smelly .
I am now just paying his bills. And because I have been doing that to keep a roof over our heads (mine and the kids) I have eaten through all my savings. But fingers crossed I have interviews next week so may be able to recoup some money and get out. I am also seeing my other options to get him out.

@Mrstobe90 she's ok thank you, it has been so hard on her, he always claimed her as his daughter told her her loved her and fussed her, he wanted her to change her name to his. She didn't. But then to ignore her and then start calling her names - awful! She returned his gift (£20) she said after calling her pathetic she didn't want it. She has been a super star as they all have.

You might be able to get an injunction or occupation order; even if its emotional abuse still ring the National Domestic Violence helpline they can put you in touch with solicitors etc., or try Shelter, or both. As its a private rental I think you need proper legal advice.

She sounds like a very mature young lady! I'm so glad your kids are doing ok.

I will be so happy for you all when you're away from that vile monster.

Good for you! I bet it's killing you (the reek) but it'll be worth it in the end. Hang in there!

What has your landlord said op?

Oh OP I really feel for you.

I think that the only way that you are going to be able to get through this is to tell yourself that this cannot last for ever.
He is push, push, pushing you hoping that you will reach your breaking point and give in to him, just keep your justifiable anger simmering away to keep you going.
I just hope for you things don't get any worse

Oh it's relentless! Yesterday I spoke to mediation who he had organised, I said as he refused to contribute to the bills this month I can't afford it, they said they would ask him to pay. He said via text to me he can't afford it and that I am blocking him from his money.

Last night whilst DD2 was playing in the room with my other daughters and me, he comes in and takes her and she calling for me, he does this constantly when he's at home; comes and gets her and shuts her in his sitting room.
This morning on the school run just got DD2 in the car ( she comes every morning with me) he comes out bangs on the window scaring the life out of me, takes her out of the car, says I am playing the victim, he now thinks that my ex was in the right, that I blocked him from seeing the kids (court ordered) all in front of my children, slagging me off playing the victim then saying 'she' (dd18) will back me up.

I come home he's standing there with pen and paper 'sign this' not wanting me to read it. Long and the short an hour later after how the reason we are divorcing is because of me and me lying, not standing by agreements etc etc (he seems to forget I asked him to leave?) that I am trying to keep DD2 for financial reasons. That everyone in court gets 50/50 access. That I didn't financially fully support him for 4 years, that I didn't invest any money into the business (all of which I can prove). That I have turned the children against him, that I am at fault. That he's terrified of me and my controlling ways.
I am exhausted!

Oh he called DD11 a liar apparently he didn't say she was pathetic nor spiteful. That I made her return his gift.

His parting comment 'Christmas is coming soon you don't want it to be awkward, agree to my terms and I'll leave.'

Honestly I would be asking for a refuge place the affect of his behaviour on your DC is horrific. His abuse is going to escalate until you are desperate enough to sign.

He's already shown that he will not stick to his word.

You need to leave and fast.

@RandomMess unfortunately as my DS is 16 they won't put us in a refuge. And I won't have this piece of shit split my children from me. I have taken the next step it's a legal route.

LL being great. I was going to pay STBXH half of the rent yesterday it was him who stopped me saying he's refusing to leave. I have told him I am speaking to a solicitor and if he says I should pay it I will. As STBXH is liable for half.

He actually had the nerve to tell me off for spending money on take out suggesting I spent way over £100 this week and I shouldn't have as I have to pay for mediation. Not that I told him but For clarity I bought mcD's for DD on her birthday about £20 and a Chinese last night as I had been in hospital having biopsy's and was in a fair amount of pain and spent £35. More over the point don't actually need to justify any spending when I am paying your fluffing bills twat face!

Glad that you are pursuing the legal route. I had forgotten you had an older son

What bills are you paying of his.

If there are in his name then remove them from your account.

@Clutterbugsmum gas, electric, Sky, water, that sort of thing. Short of hiding shower gel, toilet roll, washing powder that sort of thing. And probably his rent too.

Change the log in on Sky ! if DCs don't use it, just cancel