Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

you could sign it over and then he refuses to leave anyway.
Dont trust him

I don't trust him in the slightest! I won't be signing anything over!

Unfortunately you may not be shot of him by Xmas.
Is there anywhere you can go with your dcs and leave him to stew in his own misery?

Take comfort from knowing you are trying to get free of him and where there’s a will there’s a way,
Phone your local Women’s Aid office ( not the national number) if you haven’t already, leave messsge.
Rights of Women offer free legal advice

Hi Awesmum. Was thinking about you so just checking in to see if you're ok. Sending hugs and solidarity.

Another one here, Awesmum. Hope you're OK.

Thank you for asking @Sicario and @Prawnofthepatriarchy.

Have had a call from my landlord, STBXH has informed them he's leaving in 3 and half weeks time! I'll be honest, until it happens I won't believe it. I am sorting the legalities with regard to DD2, I know I am not at the end of the horror yet, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I wouldn't put it past him to pull the rug from under me.

Financially we're struggling, he's not contributed again this month and I am having to carry it all, without being able to move forward with work whilst he's here.

He's still on at me to sign over the bank account which I am not doing, I fear this maybe his excuse not to leave, however the landlord is getting things in place. He may refuse to sign over unless I do too which is sticky.

The atmosphere in the house when he's here is still toxic, he's still ignoring the older children and still shouting at me and slagging me off to DD2 when I say anything to him.

I still feel completely on edge when I get a text or he comes in, I cannot wait for that to be over.

I really appreciate the checking in, I realised with him out and about with friends with the little one, how genuinely alone he has made me, isolating me from my friends and family. But that too will change, but will probably take him being gone for me to feel brave enough to put myself out there. The trusting of other people will take more time though I know that.

You need to put a claim in with CMS and tax credits as a single person.

Provided you do. I thing for him washing/food shopping etc you are separated you may have to argue with them but you are entitled to claim despite currently being in the same house.

It'll take time to build your life back up again but it will happen. Just keep buggering on.

I'm a very long term sober alcoholic and since I've been sober I've often used the taking things one day at a time technique for things that have nothing to do with drink.

When things feel overwhelming you just do the best you can in that day. Doesnt mean you can't plan ahead, just don't worry about the future.

I did that when DH got cancer and died. Took a year. Our DC were small. I took it a day at a time. People thought I was so strong but a lot of it was that simple strategy.

I'd be speaking to the bank about that account op.
Explain your stbx is putting pressure on you to sign it over and you will not be doing so. I wouldn't put it past him to forge documents.

Has he told the LL he’s moving out, or that he’s ending the tenancy? There’s a big difference between the two.

How is your landlord about renewing the tenancy in your name only?

@Joysmum he informed them that he was leaving, LL asked what I was doing I said staying, they're happy for me to stay, I have submitted all paperwork today, so should hear back shortly. Fingers crossed it all goes ok, I cannot think of a reason it wouldn't.

That’s fantastic news

In that case if he’s ended the tenancy and the tenancy is then in your sole name you can have him removed.

It’s really good of the landlord to do this in a shorter timeframe than he needed to. It saves you a lot of time.

Oh and as per my previous post, I predicted he’d go behind your back to do this with s view to leaving you in the shit.

No prepare yourself for a wrangle with him about the deposit. In theory this should be returned to the lead tenant for them to divide. You can request with your LL for it to be divested between you by him and then you’ll need to find extra to resubmit the whole deposit for your new tenancy.

That’s unless your ex is prepared to walk away from that deposit claim? You’d need to be careful to have proof of this.

Does this mean the LL is taking him off the tenancy?

@AcrossthePond55 yes

Have lurked on this thread for ages but you're doing really well @awesmum. As prawn says, take it a day at a time.

I think the advice from TheMythOfFingerprints about the bank is very sound. Make sure the bank knows you aren't signing anything.

If he does, does that mean it might be easier to get him out? I'm in the US so don't know UK law. Be sure you ask the solicitor!

I do know that in the US the LL could evict him (after due process) if he's not on the tenancy. If it's the same there, is that an option? My ex threatened not to leave, but I told him that I'd get the LL to evict him (they were friends of my grandparents) if he didn't get out. Luckily, that did the trick and he left.

Hang in there OP. There has at least been some progress since you started this thread back in October. Hugs to you for continued support.

He sounds positively evil. I don't know how you've put up with him for so long, but respect for finding the strength to get rid of him now.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy I am doing exactly that, one day at a time, it's the bite sized pieces I can manage. I am an avid list writer an keeping on top of things bit by bit.

@Joysmum I will put the deposit in with the marital assets, or even the fact he's failed to pay anything towards rent, bills, food or clothing for DD2 it can come out of that.

@AcrossthePond55 once he's day is up on the tenancy here, I am changing the locks, if he enters I will call the police, he'll be done for breaking and entering.

Really good news - the tenancy is now processed into my name! I could cry with happiness, I was dreading coming home this evening, but the relief! Honestly I can't tell you!

I know there is still horrors to endure, but that's one off the very long list of it!

The kids and I can look forward to a more relaxing Christmas! Heaven!

have you done the necessary to ensure you are officially primary carer, & he cannot disappear with DD2 ?

@Mix56 that's tomorrow's task. He has no where to go till next month so I need to get things in place ASAP.

I've just read through this thread from the start and I am in awe at your strength and sticking power OP. The best years of you and your DC's lives lie in front of you.

@awesmum Glad the tenancy got switched! Can I suggest something though? As I said, I'm in the US, but I often pick up on things about US vs UK laws because they interest me. I may be wrong, but I think I remember something about not being able to lock a marital partner out of a 'shared residence' even if they aren't on the tenancy. Something about habitual residence or something??? Now, I may be remembering wrong, but it may be a good idea to check with a solicitor or the police before you change the locks. God knows, you don't want to do that and then have to let him back in!!!

But if a solicitor or the police give you the go ahead, hallelujah!!!