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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 04/10/2018 12:18

any man let anywhere near your arsehole 😲..should think himself bloody privileged to be there
My new mantra!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2018 12:18

Good on you, send him Bluntness text to dump him. Something like: Yes I was thinking about what you said, about women not liking a hairy arsehole, you are right, so I am getting rid of one right now, bye bye its over"

Original poster
user4671 · 04/10/2018 12:18

tree it is the inability to reconcile the two that i am finding hard!

also we know many of the same people. no doubt they will conclude that charismatic him is not to blame.

OP posts:
Jaxtellerswife · 04/10/2018 12:19

"Why would you want a hairy aresehole?"
"You're right I don't. So I'm dumping you"
Grin
You will feel so much better and fast when you have flushed this floater

HereIgoagainxx · 04/10/2018 12:20

What A horrible creep. The way he would throw in "most women....." to get you to question yourself a d succumb to what he wanted.

So incredibly manipulative.

Send the text, block him and breathe. You will be OK. Xx

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/10/2018 12:20

on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's

Out of all the awful things he's said to you, OP, this one sends a shiver.

It's like he was sitting there in the midst of an outwardly pleasant evening, thinking what he find, what he could say, how could he use something utterly meaningless and insignificant to be cruel to you.

I shudder to think of people I love coming across men like this.

ChortleFace88 · 04/10/2018 12:21

It should not be this hard 4 months in. This should be the honeymoon period, you certainly should not be sobbing in his face.

Can you message the ex, ask her for her experiences?

SeraphinaDombegh · 04/10/2018 12:21

He's a proper nasty piece of work. Run now, run fast.

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 04/10/2018 12:21

Why don’t you LtB? Most women would.

(Meant kindly - you deserve better than this. Most women do, actually)

sliceofcheese · 04/10/2018 12:21

Run now. It will only get worse.

IdahoCrow · 04/10/2018 12:22

terrified of my judgment in men now

Don't be - you did see this knob for what he is. Head high. Flowers

HereIgoagainxx · 04/10/2018 12:22

Just tell people he was obsessed with shaving/waxing your arsehole and you found it odd. Nothing really anyone can say after that. Grin

GrumbleBumble · 04/10/2018 12:22

Send that text then block him. Do you have a friend or relative you can stay with for a few days so you won't have to face him turning up on your doorstep (if not and he does do not answer the door).

RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 12:23

If any of your mutual acquaintances question your decision - a brisk "it just wasn't working for me" will shut them down.

astoundedgoat · 04/10/2018 12:23

all these things are said in a really calm way - then when i react, im dramatic

He is CRAY and you need to break up with him. If you think these comments are bad, just wait til he hits his stride.

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 04/10/2018 12:23

Ah just saw you’re leaving. Seems like pretty good judgement to me. 5 months is not a long time, and as you said, he wasn’t like this in the beginning (or he wouldn’t have attracted you in the first place).

PlinkPlink · 04/10/2018 12:24

Red flags everywhere.

You're doing the right thing getting rid OP. It's very subtle but emotional abuse usually is until they've got you hook, line and sinker.

Overly complimentary at the beginning.

Little comments here and there that are designed to chip away at your self esteem.

Telling you you're overreacting when you actually respond like anyone else would. A form of gaslighting if you will, in that it makes you doubt your emotions and responses.

Silent treatment to make you feel guilty for even questioning his, quite frankly, awful comments.

And to top it off, he's threatened you physically aswell.

He's built you up in the beginning so he can bring you down and break you completely.

You are definitely doing the right thing. Take some time to regain your independence after. Heal yourself a bit. It happens to the best of us... someone who we think is lovely at the beginning, slowly but surely turns into a nightmare and you wonder what's wrong with yourself. He has orchestrated you to feel this way though. He's a fucking bastard.

Emmageddon · 04/10/2018 12:24

no doubt they will conclude that charismatic him is not to blame.

Not necessarily. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of your mutual friends realise what a twat this man is. They may well have seen him in action with previous girlfriends and witnessed the love bombing turning into devaluation.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/10/2018 12:24

Gather up everything he has at your house and take it back to his house today.

Does he have a key to your house. If so I would think about getting the locks changed. And then tell him it’s over

Rainbowshine · 04/10/2018 12:25

Re the people who know both of you - ending the relationship isn’t any of their business and they don’t get any say about it. If they ask and you feel you need something to say, you can have a stock answer ready like “I realised we weren’t compatible “ and leave it at that.

Blou2 · 04/10/2018 12:25

Leave him. His behaviour is completely abusive.

MsAnnThropic · 04/10/2018 12:26

Run. For. The. Hills.

RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 12:26

Although I like HereIgoagainxx response Grin

loveka · 04/10/2018 12:28

This reminds me of an ex who pointed out that Naomi Campbell didn't have cellulite, so why did I?

Glad you are leaving. It would only have gor worse!

Original poster
user4671 · 04/10/2018 12:29

one thing that i am definitely struggling with is how often he called me abusive. hed tell me it wasnt ok to crying and beg him to talk when he didnt want to - that was me being abusive. it wasnt ok to try and stop him leaving a room when trying to get him to speak - that was abusive.

it makes me wonder if it was me. i would cry and beg and shout in the face of his silence, when perhaps what he needed was space? i think it was the undermined time frame of not knowing how long or even why he was behaving like that which made me so upset.

OP posts: