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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
carpettile · 04/10/2018 12:30

I think you know the answer already or you wouldn't have posted. They are all major flags I think and it could escalate. Don't stick around to find out, those are not normal comments.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 04/10/2018 12:32

Run. Sounds like my ex husband. He'll erode your self esteem.

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2018 12:32

crying and beg him to talk when he didnt want to - that was me being abusive. it wasnt ok to try and stop him leaving a room when trying to get him to speak - that was abusive.

You are only 5 months in- this should not be happening! (it never should but you take my point) Good News is you have only had to endure this for 5 months- the only thing worse would be 5 months and one more day

GET OUT NOW

IdahoCrow · 04/10/2018 12:32

Think about it.

He does something he knows will upset you, deliberately and calculatingly. When you predictably get upset, he calmly calls you abusive.

Who's the real abuser here? Who Is trying to be the puppet-master?

Rainbowshine · 04/10/2018 12:36

Please believe me OP, it wasn’t you. He’s an adult and fully capable of choosing how to behave and react. He chose to shut you down, to not engage in talking, because he cannot justify his behavioural choices in any way so he adopted distraction tactics. An abuser will always blame anyone else: his mum, his ex, you... please have a look at the Freedom Programme and Women’s Aid website. It will help you recognise and accept that it is him and not you who is at fault here.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/10/2018 12:36

Under NO circumstances would I want my arsehole waxed.

However I agree with Bluntness - tell him you want him to get his arsehole waxed, and that you would like to watch (or at least be within earshot).

He's a twat.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/10/2018 12:38

Well he's defintely heard the term 'abusive' somewhere before, hasn't he?

Porridgeprincess · 04/10/2018 12:38

5 months in and he has talked about your personal appearance , dragged you down, given you silent treatment and threatened to throw you down stairs. Have you ever experienced this with a partner before? Hopefully not, it is just such a shock for you to realise there are really not nice men out there and you probably are a bit stunned by it all.

But hey, you are dumping him so it's all cool. You know in your gut it isn't you so don't go down that road of thinking.

CloudPop · 04/10/2018 12:40

Where does he gets his stats from re "most " women waxing their arsehole? What a total dick head.

TheSerenDipitY · 04/10/2018 12:41

reply... most men are not stupid cunts but i appear to have found one :)
each and every time he says "most women..."
and RUN!!!! change ya numbers change ya locks RUN!!!!

Rainbowshine · 04/10/2018 12:43

Please have a look:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

and Google Freedom Programme.

SupremeDreamz · 04/10/2018 12:43

it makes me wonder if it was me. i would cry and beg and shout in the face of his silence, when perhaps what he needed was space?

That's not abuse from you it's just an argument, that he caused! Rowing is never fun but it's not automatically abusive. Threatening to throw someone down the stairs is abusive, whether the person goes through with it or not.

Undercoverbanana · 04/10/2018 12:44

Not RTFT. I don’t need to. Dump him.

DistanceCall · 04/10/2018 12:44

Hey, don't beat yourself up about your judgement. It happens.

This kind of person can be incredibly charming and nice and "normal" to begin with, and then they gradually turn the control and the pressure on, so that you question your judgement and your sanity because they seemed so great to begin with.

It's deliberate. He knew you would feel that way, and deliberately hit your weak spots over and over and over, because that's how they get control.

You are a normal, sane, intelligent person, and it's completely normal that you were deceived at first. What is really important is that you realised very early on, and made the right decision as soon as you understood what was going on. Not everyone does that.

You shouldn't be hard on yourself - on the contrary, you should be proud of your instincts. You have had a horrible experience, got out of it intact, and have learnt a very valuable lesson.

RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 12:45

OP the silent treatment is sadly a well known abusers tactic. You agree with all of us here you should end it, but are still trying to rationalise his behaviour because you are not a dick and he is. The rationale to all his treatment of you is CONTROL.

He's really got you wondering if it's all your fault - that was his intention.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2018 12:45

Of course he's turning it around on you, classic abuser. You owe him nothing, dump him by whatever means is good for you and don't look back. If he harasses yiu, block him and call the Police.

EnoughisEnough1204 · 04/10/2018 12:45

I think that you are with my ex! Please leave now. This is the beginning of a long road of emotional abuse. It will leave you physical and mental wreck if you stay in this situation. Relationships should not be like this. There should be kindness, compassion and respect. None of these factors are present here. You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2018 12:47

Op don't rationalise his behaviour because it cannot be: he is an abuser plain and simple who has clearly gotten under yiur skin. Who appears to have you where he wants you. Cut free and run from him.

FlamingJuno · 04/10/2018 12:47

on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's

He sat there all evening, looking very closely indeed at his mate's girlfriend, thinking about her and comparing her favourably to you. All the while, the rest of you had no idea what was going through his head. I bet the house he was wondering what she looks like naked, and whether she waxes her arsehole. Truly terrifying.

Threewheeler1 · 04/10/2018 12:48

Oh fuck no, no, no.
Yet another rank and shallow low-life bloke.
God, they really are boring, entitled twats with nothing to offer yet so many demands to make of 'wimmin'.
And I hate those criticisms dressed up as questions. It'll get worse.
He's pure, solid tosspot.
Get out now.
Definitely run, as fast as you can, and don't look back.

shearwater · 04/10/2018 12:50

also we know many of the same people. no doubt they will conclude that charismatic him is not to blame

Give as many people as possible (or those with whom you value an ongoing relationship) a rundown on what he has been saying. They will not think it reasonable either.

In response to his comments, and in dumping him, say "Let me give you a tip (for a change). Women, or at least intelligent women with whom you might wish to have a future relationship, do not generally react well to being given a list of things you wish to change about them."

If you can't love someone and be loved for who you are, it really isn't worth pursuing that relationship. When you meet a man worthy of you they will be honest about their feelings, they won't play games, and they won't ask you to change yourself for their benefit.

Threewheeler1 · 04/10/2018 12:51

And by the way, you are a woman and you are fucking perfect as you are.

Jackiebrambles · 04/10/2018 12:51

Oh god OP i read your first post and it reminded me so much of my ex. I was with him in my late 20s and he utterly eroded my self esteem with similar comments. Ending it was the best thing I did. I'm in my 40s now and have a lovely DH who would never dream of hurting me like that.

Please end it now - good idea to do it by text, you don't want to see his horrible face again.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/10/2018 12:52

He will try to persuade you that you are wrong, that he isn't an abuser but you are, and of any one of a thousand other things. What he doesn't want you to realise is that you don't need a good reason to end your relationship. It isn't making you happy, that's enough.

As for mutual friends, they don't need to know anything other than that you broke up. No explanation is necessary and if you are the one maintaining a dignified silence, that will tell its own story.

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2018 12:52

Oh god OP i read your first post and it reminded me so much of my ex. I was with him in my late 20s and he utterly eroded my self esteem with similar comments. Ending it was the best thing I did. I'm in my 40s now and have a lovely DH who would never dream of hurting me like that.

Jackie
This is my story too