What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

[user4671]

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

(Good though the "arsehole" retort is, personally I'd be swallowing my pride and any wish for revenge, and backing out of the room placating him with comments about what a great guy he is and how it's not him, it's me.)

i am not considering what to do. i dont want to be with him.

i think i feel quite scared of who i have started to become. i do not have anything at his house, i took it all last night. he wont have noticed that. and im going to do it by text because i dont want to see him again.

terrified of my judgment in men now.

Exactly as others have said. Tell him to spend a day of his life wearing a thong after a waxed arsehole in high heels and a face full of make up (preferably on a very hot day) and get down to the sunbed shop.

What a nob.

OP, you have an overwhelming, completely unanimous AIBU here. I hope it's some help to you.

You're only 5 months in. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from moving on.

This sounds awful and over-controlling. Please get out while you still have the self-confidence to understand that you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Tell him to piss off out of it RIGHT NOW. Sadly, he'll find another victim - they always do. LTB and don't listen to any promises that he didn't mean it, he'll change, etc. He won't. Escape now.

Don't worry OP - it can happen to the best of us. Just be glad you've realised now and not another 5 months down the line when it's harder to leave. Abusive people like this are experts at manipulation - it's no reflection on you.

He is vile. Run like the wind and don't look back!

Don't be terrified of your judgement in men! You listened to your gut, you knew something was up, you posted on here. Perfect judgement!

Ok you got drawn in, (we are all susceptible to love bombing) but only for a few months. You could have wasted years on this guy, you could have become a shadow of your former self but now you are wise and empowered! Go you!

X-post with OP. Thank God you're leaving him. A text is all he deserves.

Don't blame yourself for some men being absolute fuckers. You clocked what he is and you're acting on it.

doing it by text is a great idea- but be prepared for him wanting to talk etc- I would say ignore- it took 3 weeks of me ignoring my ex's texts which started with love, apologies , etc and turned nasty and threatening and then phone calls (landline ) where he was silent or sometimes sexual. I did not engage with any of it- not even a ext saying ' if you continue I will contact the police' as I was advised any contact is what he would want - not sure if that advice is still valid but it worked for me eventaully

Don't question your judgement OP. These sort of people can break the strongest down. Its them, not you. I'm glad you're getting out.

Also, I've never until I read this post ever questioned the hairiness level of my arsehole. Nor has any partner mentioned it either.

I’m obviously late to the party.

I was going to say don’t question yourself, question him. And then hightail it out of there.

But it sounds like you’ve got it covered. Be grateful you recognised his fuckwittery early on.

Don’t worry about your judgement in men. He was obviously on his best behaviour at first and let his true colours come through as he got more comfortable. You saw the light.

Get out! This is awful. He's manipulating you and it's only going to get worse

terrified of my judgment in men now

Don't be. You knew he was a bad apple, hopefully there won't be another, but if there is you will recognise it sooner x

Well done for seeing that this won’t work. I have come across men like this, the slowly change you into a different person, don’t change for anyone. Tell him if he wants someone who shaves their ass hole to go and find someone who does. Sounds like he’s looking for a trophy girlfriend, someone he can show off to his mates, a Barbie doll? Sounds like a lovely man (not).

Go and find someone you can be yourself with.

Phew! so glad you're getting out of this! please don't think any of this is YOUR fault. He was lovely at the beginning to reel you in. He then showed his true, very unpleasant colours so you're ending it. It's all a learning curve, as you can see on this thread so many of us have been sucked in by 'nice' men only to discover the truth further on.

Your spidey senses will be on full alert now for any lovebombing future potential partners.

thank you all so much.

i was such a confident, self-sufficient and happy person before this. i really do despise him.

my stomach turns thinking of the nights i spent begging him to talk or explain what was wrong. i just looked up his ex. shes posted all sorts about emotional abuse. wonder who that was about.

Darling, don't be me. 13 years before I made the move. Now I'm back to how I used to be, but it's taken A LOT of counselling/therapy.
Please know you're doing the right thing by dumping him.

This is likely to be an act he's perfected, unhappily, user4671; all about him knowing what buttons to press, not about you having poor judgement. And now you are well armed with experience that you can use in future.

I know when I got love-bombed, I ignored a few red flags as I was quite vulnerable, and a super-romance was just what I needed right then. Fortunately he wasn't as creepy as your fellow. But now I've experienced it for myself, it's opened my eyes.

as for the hairy arsehole - he actually said most women wouldnt want that

"You know what, you're right. Who wants a hairy arsehole? Off you fuck, don't let the door hit you."

Seriously though OP, I had a partner who seemed amazing and so normal and he turned out to be a raging psychopath who physically attacked my chiropractor. It was insane. I felt like I was losing my mind because I couldn't reconcile this paranoid, aggressive, gaslighting arsehole with the sweet guy I'd been dating. I posted on here about it too and eventually was persuaded to get out of the relationship by people on here and so glad I did.

i was such a confident, self-sufficient and happy person before this

You still are. Don't hand him your power. He hasn't changed the essence of you in 5 months.

The comments from his ex are chilling. I'm so glad you're out OP.

I don't normally run with the crowds but in this case I'm going to say what everyone else has said. Go. Run Now.

He will only get worse and demand you change more and make you doubt yourself to the point where you don't recognise you as you anymore. If there are changes YOU want to make then do it.

But they're not. It's all about him and what he wants. Get away from him now.

ArsenicNLace

Glad you got rid of him. And hope you are ok

Yuk.nasty man....any man let anywhere near your arsehole 😲..should think himself bloody privileged to be there..how dare he comment ...dump him faster than fast

Good for you, OP. You sussed him out quickly and you're doing the right thing by leaving - you have nothing in the slightest to be ashamed of.

Be vigilant now - he might well turn on the charm to get you back. Or up his dickishness to punish you. Remember what POS he is, how it is NOT your problem, and glide on by.

Have a look at the relationships topic, there’s lots of support there and specifically a no contact thread which may help you when he starts giving you fake sob stories and tries to reel you back in