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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 04/10/2018 11:46

OP you need real life help. We are all here for you but consider telling a friend or speaking to women’s aid. Does he have keys to your house? Do you work together? If so change the locks. And I would text him to say ‘this isn’t working for me. I don’t like how you treat me. Please don’t contact me again as you won’t get a response from me’. Then block him on absolutely everything. Walk away. You will easily find better

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2018 11:47

What Bluntness has said in spades. You are only 5 months into the relationship and he us being full throttle abusive, it ain't going to get better. Of course he was nice at first, he has to reel yiu in, if he shows his true self very early, it would not be good for him.

MemoryOfSleep · 04/10/2018 11:48

There's quite a lot of gaslighting by him, OP. Also, no one ever truly believes that their partner would hurt them. Yet two women every week in the UK are killed by their partner or ex.

RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 11:48

OP you are being badly damaged by this total tosser. PLEASE GET RID Flowers

Bananalanacake · 04/10/2018 11:48

Next time he suggests you get a tan or wax, throw you arms in the air and shout "what an amazing idea I must go and get that done right now" then walk off, bit difficult if you are in your home though.

Original poster
user4671 · 04/10/2018 11:48

yes i have support IRL.

I just want to stress that i do not feel in danger physically at all. that was one occasion and i didnt even feel properly scared of him doing that in the moment either.

i do not feel at risk of physical harm. just a bit emotionally battered.

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 11:51

just a bit emotionally battered.
^
This feeling has NO PLACE in a relationship. None.

Rainbowshine · 04/10/2018 11:51

A decent man would never even verbally threaten violence towards you. I think you should plan your exit from the relationship with friends to back you up. What practical things do you need to consider? Clothes or anything at his place? Has he got keys or any way of accessing your home? Do you need to have any more contact with him at all?

Millie2008 · 04/10/2018 11:51

You could be me a few years ago OP- my ex sounds almost identical. Difference is, I wasted 4 years of my life with him and it broke me. Please listen to everyone on here. None of this is your fault. He is manipulating and controlling you. He is emotionally abusive. Please leave now.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:51

i didnt want to post about the stairs comment

Because you knew what we would say.

i honestly do not believe for a second he would physically harm me in any way. i really dont

I don't think it is quite true, OP. I think you have very deep misgivings about this relationship and you started the conversation with "just" the comments. Kind of like when people go to the doctor and talk about a minor problem, leaving their serious concern as a throwaway comment as they are leaving the doctor's office.

i was trying to stop that as i wanted him to talk. of course he shouldnt have to talk

Strange he had to threaten to throw you down the stairs because he didn't want to talk. You have said he can already go HOURS without talking to you when you are in the same room and he's giving you the silent treatment. Don't you see the abuse here?

the part that disturbed me the most was that he never apologised for the comment, nor did he explain it and stress to me that he would never actually do it

Abusers never apologise. Why would they? He doesn't want to reassure you he would never do it - he WANTS the threat he might hanging over you to keep you in line. Don't you see?

i genuinely do not think he would ever do that

Abusive behaviour left unchecked escalates. Always. My first husband threw my handbag down the stairs in rage. Never thought he lay hands on me, but of course he did - that came later. I wasn't living with him/married to him yet. He saved it for when he felt he had me trapped.

Feefeetrixabelle · 04/10/2018 11:51

It’s ok OP I understand that right this second you are in a good place. But he’s shown you his true self. He’s someone that threatens to hurt people. And if you dump his ass (and I truely hope you do) he could show you that side again. And I don’t want him to have the opportunity too.

I wouldn’t usually condone dumping by text but he’s shown himself to be emotionally unable to deal with conflict without threats of violence. So I wouldn’t meet him face to face. It’s only been 16 weeks. He’s a footnote in the history of your life.

MemoryOfSleep · 04/10/2018 11:52

There's no just about it, op. It's abusive and you need to leave him. The advice here is unanimous (very rare on mumsnet). Remember strong, confident you and leave him. Be careful and safe when doing so and after. He's only just started to show his true colours. You have no idea what he's truly capable of.

areyoubeingserviced · 04/10/2018 11:53

Please Op , get rid of this creature.
I feel angry just reading your posts.
As others have said run for the hills ..

GrumbleBumble · 04/10/2018 11:53

In the nicest possible way you are doing exactly what he wants/needs you to do - i.e. justifying his awful behaviour for him. I promise he will be really, really apologetic the first time he hits his girlfriend (which won't be you because you are going to dump him NOW) and he will swear he'll never do it again and that she made do it. Please tell him now you are not interested in seeing him again and block him.

Magpiefeather · 04/10/2018 11:54

Agreeing with everything PPs have said.

Now you have realised what an Arse he is YOU have the power. You can regain your confidence and you will be immeasurably happier without him dragging you down.

But

As others have said this type of man has the potential to be very angry at being dumped, or try to persuade you etc etc

Not trying to scare you, just to prepare you.

Have a plan .

Tell real life family / friends what has been going on, and when you plan to dump him.

See if you can get someone to come and stay with you or whether you can go and stay with someone else for a while during / after the dumping.

Good luck OP. You have realised early on and now you can get out! Feel the freedom!!

golddustwomen · 04/10/2018 11:56

Run run run!!!! Absolute cunt pig

SandAndSea · 04/10/2018 11:56

Any plans to end it now, OP?

MyUsername200 · 04/10/2018 11:56

Yes I agree with everyone else. He's abusive and you should run.. Fast.

YearOfYouRemember · 04/10/2018 11:56

It can take longer to get over an emotional beating more than a physical one.

Are you going to dump or are you still considering what to do ?Flowers.

Horrordoeurvres · 04/10/2018 11:57

"Most women" wouldn't put up with a pig like him and neither should you. Walk away now.

rhubarbfool · 04/10/2018 11:57

He's a twat. You know what to do. Do it clean and fast and without drama. You're well rid of him. And don't beat yourself up about not realising it immediately - that's how these things happen, it's gradual eroding. Good luck! Flowers

metloboj · 04/10/2018 11:58

coupled with various comparisons to his ex

This was the first red flag imo.

ravenmum · 04/10/2018 11:59

A decent man would never even verbally threaten violence towards you.
Listen to this. Even if he didn't mean it (you may be projecting on that, frankly), what a totally disgusting thing to say.

And you think you might have been abusive by trying to stop him from walking away, and getting him to talk to you? He has really got in your head, hasn't he?

Glad you have seen the light. Later, with distance, you will see things for what they really were. Careful disentangling yourself from him: you haven't known him long, you really do not know what he could be capable of.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 04/10/2018 12:00

No. No. And No.

Please leave

DowntonCrabby · 04/10/2018 12:02

Haven’t RTFT but for the love of Gordon Ramsey LEAVE HIM!!!

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