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Original poster

DP is not contributing enough

154 replies

seanna · 04/10/2018 08:48

DP and I have been together for a year now. We moved in together 4 months ago. He's never paid his half in money but he did more or less pay his way. Last month he paid nothing. He's always struggling with money (I've seen his bank account) and he always promises he'll end up paying me. I think there have two times when he's promised and didn't deliver. He's promised he'll definitely transfer what he owes me today and from today onwards he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances. At almost 9, that money hasn't been transferred and sadly I think it will be another empty promise. I make twice as much as he does, and I'm not bothered about paying more, but he has to pay something. How would you approach the subject? I don't want to give him an ultimatum he's only really failed to contribute for a month. He does clean the house and does other stuff for me, so I don't see him as a cockholder but I simply don't know how to approach this.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 08:52

How would you approach the subject? I don't want to give him an ultimatum he's only really failed to contribute for a month. He does clean the house and does other stuff for me, so I don't see him as a cockholder but I simply don't know how to approach this.

You moved in with him too quickly. How would I approach this? 'This isn't working out. You're not paying your way and behaving like an adult. You need to move out.' You're being mugged off and quite foolish not to give him an ultimatum. He saw you coming. So what if he cleans and cooks, he'd have to do that if he lived alone, it's a basic function of being an adult. You've got yourself a rather expensive housepet there. I guess there's one born every minute.

DonnaDarko · 04/10/2018 08:52

In my opinion, you're living together so you need to be transparent about each others finances. So I think you should be sitting down together and going through his finances to figure out what he's spending all his money on. Is it really that he just does not have enough money, or does he have large expenses you don't know about like debts.... Is it a case of learning how to better manage what he has.

Just be honest and say you're concerned he's not paying his share.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 04/10/2018 08:53

What Left said, spot on.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 08:54

and from today onwards he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances.

FFS. I don't even do this for my 19-year-old daughter. She's a grown up. You'd be a total fool to take this on. He's a manchild.

OliviaBenson · 04/10/2018 08:55

Where is all his money going?

violetbunny · 04/10/2018 08:56

If he is paying nothing towards his living costs some months, then where on earth is his money going?

Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 08:59

I genuinely have no idea where his money is going. My only hunch is that he has a massive debt that he hasn't told me about. It's not like he buys stuff for himself (last thing he bought was a £25 perfume) like two months ago. Sometimes it more or less adds up, but just sometimes.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 04/10/2018 08:59

You’ve only been together a year. He’s a grown up. He should be able to handle his own finances. If he can’t, you shouldn’t be living together. How did he manage until 4 months ago?

ReadMyLipss · 04/10/2018 09:06

He's never paid his half in money but he did more or less pay his way.

So he didn't transfer the money but paid his share in bills etc? Is that not enough?

Bumpitybumper · 04/10/2018 09:06

Firstly you need to agree what proportion of the bills he needs to be pay based on what is affordable and fair. If you earn double his salary then it may well be that he can't afford to pay half of everything, but this obviously doesn't he mean he shouldn't be contributing anything at all

Once you have calculated what his contribution should look like you both need to give the financial situation some serious thought. You need to consider if you will grow resentful over time if he is contributing significantly less than you even if it's the same proportion of his earnings. He needs to consider whether he can commit to paying this level of contribution consistently and needs to get to the bottom of why he is struggling so much with finances at the moment.

Avoid getting into the situation where you start to manage his finances for him as this will not help him to take responsibility for himself in the long term and sets you up for potential accusations of financial abuse.

snowbear66 · 04/10/2018 09:21

It sounds like something a parent would do for a young child, look after their money for them.
I don't know your situation but if you have children someday it will probably end up with him giving up work and you working full time & doing everything else as well (as it did me with my ex).
At this early stage, he is abdicating his responsibility and handing it over to you.Think what you want your future to be like.

Hont1986 · 04/10/2018 09:30

If the genders were reversed I wonder if there would be the same "you're being mugged off", "what a [wo]manchild" comments Hmm

If you earn twice as much and he's doing more of the housework, then you need to sit down and communicate about how to share finances. 50/50 doesn't seem fair in this scenario.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 09:36

If the genders were reversed I wonder if there would be the same "you're being mugged off", "what a [wo]manchild" comments hmm

It'd be the exact same from me. Hmm Adults pay their way in life. They're not married and there are no children. He's an able-bodied person working full-time. He's paying nothing towards his living costs. That's a pisstake no matter what your sex.

LemonysSnicket · 04/10/2018 09:43

It can be really difficult to control your finances when you're on a low wage (I'm on 17k whereas DP on over double that) but without fail I transfer our agreed amount to DP on pay day, 200 to our joint food card and 200 to a savings account to pay off of my over draft. This is AS SOON AS I AM PAID. That way if I run out of money that month, it's on me and all of my responsibilities are taken care of prior to me being skint.
I also use a Monzo card to pay for everything but food, so I can see exactly where all of my money is going (it splits it into a pie chart of expenses for me).

I'd sit him down and recommend this system so he can get a hold of his money. If he refuses then I think he should have a month to move out because he's using. You.

Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 09:47

The way it used to work for us was that he would transfer some money , he would pay for most of the shopping and going out expenses. Which did more or less add up and I was fine with that arrangement. last month I think he bought just a few things and we went on a weekend away and he paid like a third of it. I don't mind paying more it's fair, it gives us a comfier lifestyle. I'm just asking for some contribution, any would do.

OP posts:
Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 09:51

lemony that's basically how our situation is but roles are reversed. He did have an overdraft that as long as I'm aware he's paid off now. He gets paid weekly which apparently is part of the problem. The other day he worked out how much he spend on a monthly basis and he should technically have a grand towards all of his living costs.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 04/10/2018 09:52

How much of the monthly bills does he pay.

Say your house hold bills (including food) comes to £1000. What percentage does he pay?

Caselgarcia · 04/10/2018 09:53

I'd be totally upfront, 'I haven't received your money yet. Please transfer it by the end the day as there are bills to pay'.

Doghorsechicken · 04/10/2018 09:55

You need to work out where all his money is going. I could never be with someone that’s useless with money it causes too much tension. This has already been highlighted 4 months in.

adaline · 04/10/2018 09:55

How is being paid weekly a problem? Surely he just transfers, say 50% of his weekly wage into a joint account for bills?

But he sounds lazy and like he's not willing to contribute. You're not married and don't have kids - don't start a family with someone who can't even pay their way when they don't have those commitments.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 09:58

I'm just asking for some contribution, any would do.

Honestly, your standards are so low a flea could limbo under them if that's how you feel. That's pretty sad. He's showing you very clearly who he is. He's an adult who doesn't want to adult. He wants you to do that. How is that in any way attractive? There will always be some excuse from him as to why he can't behave like a responsible adult.

HollowTalk · 04/10/2018 10:01

So your choice is between funding this guy or taking control of his finances?

It's as though he's a child, OP. If he was living alone, would he not pay his rent? Steal his food? Connect to next door's electricity supply? No, he'd pay up because he had to. He looks at you and realises he doesn't have to.

If he's not buying anything I'd think it's going on alcohol or on drugs or on gambling. Those are the three things where you have nothing to show for it.

He hasn't approached you and said, "I'm really struggling with this debt. Would you mind if I got rid of it by paying all of my wages towards it for a couple of weeks?"

He's just not given you anything. That isn't on. It's not fair and it's not an adult way of going about things.

adaline · 04/10/2018 10:03

I'm just asking for some contribution, any would do.

Jesus. RAISE YOUR STANDARDS.

Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 10:29

Well because he did to start with, is the reason why I'm just waiting for something. No drugstore, no alcohol, no gambling. He comes home straight from work and he's never on his phone at home . He had a niece and nephew that he sees as his own and that's where I think some of the money goes to

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/10/2018 10:30

What did he do before he lived with you?