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Original poster

DP is not contributing enough

154 replies

seanna · 04/10/2018 08:48

DP and I have been together for a year now. We moved in together 4 months ago. He's never paid his half in money but he did more or less pay his way. Last month he paid nothing. He's always struggling with money (I've seen his bank account) and he always promises he'll end up paying me. I think there have two times when he's promised and didn't deliver. He's promised he'll definitely transfer what he owes me today and from today onwards he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances. At almost 9, that money hasn't been transferred and sadly I think it will be another empty promise. I make twice as much as he does, and I'm not bothered about paying more, but he has to pay something. How would you approach the subject? I don't want to give him an ultimatum he's only really failed to contribute for a month. He does clean the house and does other stuff for me, so I don't see him as a cockholder but I simply don't know how to approach this.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 05/10/2018 15:52

I think you have moved in together quite quickly and it's shown how incompatible you are in this area. Some of it can be worked out with suggestions you've had here though. I think you have to either adjust your lifestyle or the financial split or just split up.

Is part of his financial mismanagement trying to keep up with you? Can he afford a £100 brunch?

Haireverywhere · 05/10/2018 15:53

At 40 I'd say this is who he is.

HappenstanceMarmite · 05/10/2018 15:56

A £100 brunch??!! Where was that...The Ivy?!

Notacluewhatthisis · 05/10/2018 16:03

But why would he be ok to be responsible for the mortgage but not on the house itself?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 05/10/2018 16:08

I was about to add myself to the “He is a cocklodger” chorus until I read this:

*Last time we went out for brunch it was a £100 bill that he paid. We go through phases, but to start with we would (and I mean he) spend £600 on just going out.

Weve had to stop doing it because well he can't afford it. And I don't want to make him feel bad. I already feel bad that I once bought a £1700 Gucci bag on a whim (which I can afford) and drive a '17 Evoque when he drives a banger that is ready for scrappage.*

The man is NOT a cocklodger just a poor sod trying to keep up with the expenses of a person who earns far more than him. That’s why he has no money! YOU are too expensive for him.

You both would be better off with someone else as he is never going to be able to keep up with your exhorbitant expenses and you will always look down on him because he can’t.

Haireverywhere · 05/10/2018 16:15

Not sure- you put it better than me.

Haireverywhere · 05/10/2018 16:16

I don't think OP necessarily looks down on him though. They're just worlds apart financially.

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 16:35

We are worlds apart that is the truth. I'm lucky to have the family and education that I have. But that doesn't make me a better person. We do love each other (which is what matters). And I know to be with him I have to give up some of the life I'm used to But that isn't a bad thing. My exH was from my same background and it didn't bring me any happiness. I know I'll always pick up more of the bills. It's only fair. I'll always be the chief income earner, were both ok with that. Yes, I know he sometimes would like to provide for me but it's impossible to do it on the level I'm used to. I've been accused of being a Chelsea princess and we're an uncanny couple in that way... I'm ok to chip in more that's only fair, all I ask is for him to help too (with as much as he can).

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 05/10/2018 16:37

If you are living together. Why not pool all money and then both have the same amount of spare money?

Godowneasy · 05/10/2018 16:44

Even if it's possible. why would he make himself jointly responsible for a mortgage when he has no actual ownership in the property?
Are you planning on having dc together? What if you couldn't work due to children or illness etc? Could you live on his salary alone? And pay the mortgage etc?
What could possibly go wrong? (hmm)

HellonHeels · 05/10/2018 16:44

He's probably still paying off the massive debts accrued by taking you out to ridiculously expenaive places. Didn't you have a.clue how little he earned while you were happily living it up at his expense?

Notacluewhatthisis · 05/10/2018 16:49

I earn more than Dp. Sorry OP but I just don't get you.

And I think it's shit that you are happy for him to be on the mortgage, but not own part of the house.

Yes your investment needs protecting. But that's will be his home, which you don't get without him.

I could live with Dp knowing he had no protection at all.

Haffiana · 05/10/2018 16:50

The real truth, OP, is that you are the financially irresponsible one.

I think you have no idea at all about the finances and pressures of those who earn a lot less than you. You have no idea of the pressure you are putting your partner under to attempt to keep up with you. The brunch he can properly afford is probably a bacon sandwich from a cafe. He CANNOT afford to keep up with what you consider a normal or even 'low' level of spending.

How the hell can you be so insensitive?

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 16:51

notaclue but we plan to get married, so then the house would become a joint asset by default. It would still be cheaper than renting, so as far as I'm concerned its a win win situation. Which shows how I'm ok with everything, because it means he gets to have 50/50 of my pension and the house etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 17:06

I'm very aware he's tried to keep up with me, he's failed and that's how ended up in a financial hole a few months ago. He paid his overdraft but as far as I'm aware his finances have been more "normal" the past month and yet it's the time he's contributed one way or the other the least since we've been together. Yesterday I told him I knew what I was giving him for his birthday. And he told me that although he loves the gesture, that I shouldn't that I've given him enough already.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 05/10/2018 17:23

You really shouldn’t marry or get a mortgage with him until you have a really good idea of where his money is going.

His relationship and attitude with money maybe a deal breaker for you.

HellonHeels · 05/10/2018 17:27

He may have paid off the overdraft but maybe there are credit cards as well.

I'm still slightly bemused that you were aware he was a low earner and you still went out for expensive dates (and from sounds of it didn't pay your way?). How did you think he was paying for them?

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 17:32

Yes, the expensive dates is my fault 100% I should have suggested going out less, going to cheaper places. We did stop doing that a couple of months ago. (that brunch was a one off...) And most of our dates are at chain pubs although I think those are still a tad expensive for him

OP posts:
StormTreader · 05/10/2018 17:38

"The other day he worked out how much he spend on a monthly basis and he should technically have a grand towards all of his living costs."

So how much of this 1k he should have can he actually account for? ot in a blaming way, in a purely technical "if you spent it all on bus fares and drugs then at least you know" way.

StormTreader · 05/10/2018 17:39

*Not in a blaming way

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 17:44

Well I know if he paid rent, he'd have £300 to live on (which includes fuel and food, clothes, etc). So like that travel card would have to come from those £300. So again, let's say he doesn't have to pay the £700 he needs to pay (all bills included) but I'm happy with £500 then it would seem fairer to me.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 05/10/2018 17:44

He may need a few more months to get back on track after trying to keep up with you before he can afford to contribute otherwise won't he just accumulate more debt?

Original poster
seanna · 05/10/2018 17:46

Hair I think that's what had happened. He's been trying to get back on track. He's now more or less there I think.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 05/10/2018 17:52

I hope this doesn't come out wrong but maybe you need to really think about how this is all going to pan out LT. It is very stressful being under or putting yourself under financial pressure. Give him a bit of slack if he's still in debt from the brunches.
Crudely, if you are used to, enjoy and can afford the high life how is this going to work and what changes do you and him need to make? This is a bigger issue than how much he pays towards bills etc.

Hope that isn't offensive, trying to help.

CottonTailRabbit · 05/10/2018 17:55

I'd be worried about his inability to go through his own bank statements to work out where his money has gone and then talk to you about it.

How can he commit to a mortgage if he has no idea how much he can contribute?

Was it his idea to give you total control of his finances instead of him just looking at his spending himself?

Why are you not seeing the red flags?