DP is not contributing enough

[seanna]

DP and I have been together for a year now. We moved in together 4 months ago. He's never paid his half in money but he did more or less pay his way. Last month he paid nothing. He's always struggling with money (I've seen his bank account) and he always promises he'll end up paying me. I think there have two times when he's promised and didn't deliver. He's promised he'll definitely transfer what he owes me today and from today onwards he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances. At almost 9, that money hasn't been transferred and sadly I think it will be another empty promise. I make twice as much as he does, and I'm not bothered about paying more, but he has to pay something. How would you approach the subject? I don't want to give him an ultimatum he's only really failed to contribute for a month. He does clean the house and does other stuff for me, so I don't see him as a cockholder but I simply don't know how to approach this.

£300 seems a bit low for fuel and food and clothes for a month to me? I would maybe ease that off a bit, considering that you actually don't need the money at all?
Obviously do what you think is fair but I think I'd not be feeling great having to live a very carefully budgeted life every day when when I was living with a partner who can spend £1700 on a handbag on a whim.
Maybe a bit more leeway since you actually are a couple?

storm my thoughts exactly. I don't want him to resent me. I don't want him to feel guilty because I can afford to buy him a £750 bday pressie. That's why I've said I can pay more so we can both live a more comfortable life. The only thing I'm asking is that he can contribute within his means and not resent me for my "high life".

Its tricky - you don't want him to end up feeling like the poor relative or a charity case. A £750 present might be nice to give but it may also feel like you're lording your money over him a bit. People like to feel like they are an equal partner in some way, like they have value and aren't being humoured or carried.

If he's in debt and trying to get a handle on it all then will a £750 birthday present make him happy or feel crap?

notacluebut we plan to get married, so then the house would become a joint asset by default.

And until that happens? What if it never happens? I would never, ever suggest a woman or man puts themseleves in the position your Dp is getting himself into.

If he pays £750 pm towards the bills, how much are your monthly bills?

So if he earns £1K a month on minimum wage and you earn double that ~c£2K. Aren't you both living above your means? I mean £3K per month is okish in terms of income but hardly "Chelsea" standards . Per week it wouldn't even get you far in that neck of the woods.
If you are paying all the bills @c £1400 pm, you must be quite short of money.

Just get him to download a years statements into a csv file, put them in excel and fucking work it out. All this maybe, if, kinda shit is just so much flannel. Just fucking work it out between the two of you. It's not brain surgery.

So we start this thread feeling a bit sorry for you. This cocklodger is taking advantage of you and not paying his way. You have no idea why or where is money is going. But as you add more and more information, we all realise where his money has gone. It's gone on you, spending money taking you out and trying to make you happy and taking you to the places you're used to going. Only this poor man can't afford all this shit. But hell he loves you and wants to impress you and make you happy. How come it's taken you all this time to realise he can't afford it? What kind of person allows a low paid worker to pay £600 for a date or £100 for a brunch? He can't even afford basic things for himself, he's spent so much time trying to keep up with you. You think spending £750 on his birthday is a good thing? A nice thing thing? Well I'm not sure it is. How can he keep up with that? You are putting him under a lot of pressure and he loves you and probably panics you will think less of him if he can't treat you as you seem expect to be treated. Why can't you just spend £50 on his birthday, so he can equally reciprocate? I have a feeling that if you were the man and he was the woman in this situation then peoples opinions might be very different.

It's so interesting how this has all unfolded here.

Your post Lord is spot on. I'd be saying the same if OP was a man in a relationship with a woman with these variations in lifestyle and income.

This just isn't meant to be. He'll never feel good enough.

This isn't complicated.

Either
you spend the same percentage of your wages to cover all rent, bills and joint spending. This means that in real terms, you will still contribute more financially, but the contributions will be fair looking at what you both earn. You will have more personal spending money than he does, but that's not your problem. (Maybe drop the expensive gifts).

Or
You both put all your money into a joint pot, and leave yourselves with the same personal spending money - ie you both get £200 a month. So no more handbags for you, but as a couple it will be more equal.

We did the first while we were dating, and once we made a proper commitment we did the second. Now my husband makes six figures and I'm on mat leave earning nothing, so it's kind of essential!

Before joining finances in ANY WAY, You need to see at least 6 months of bank statements and his credit score. You have no financial knowledge of this man whatsoever, other than that he can't pay what you want. So either you're unreasonable in your expectations, or he's a cocklodger - only you know.

I make double as much as he does after tax. (He's on 20k) plus I have an income from an inheritance which the banks don't take into account for some reason for mortgage purposes and my freelancing (that's why I asked him to be in a joint mortgage) but that's half of my salary on top. Plus my divorce settlement. So you get the idea. We are worlds apart. He's said it. He's said he never thought someone like me would even remotely reciprocate, but one day he took the courage and talked to me (we met at the pub where I go for drinks after work).

Well not exactly worlds apart if on £20K and £40K pa each. Plus, didn't you previously claim the inheritance was used to buy a home outright. Just wondering if that home has been lost along with DP's salary.

I don't think being financially worlds apart has to be a problem, if both parties are really genuinely willing to share - ie you accept that you will have less spending money, and he accepts that he will be "kept" to an extent, and can do that without having a wounded male ego.

The issue is not the amount of money, it's how you both currently spend your money. Particularly him I think. My husband started earning quite a decent salary at a young age and was fairly useless with it. I manage our finances day to day - under terms we have mutually agreed - because I don't mind doing it, and it makes him anxious.

You're allowed to help the person you love. You're allowed to work together to solve a problem. Just don't start financially bailing out a guy you've know for around 365 days!

Yeah that's not worlds apart...my DH earns £32 and I earn 6 figures...it's really not difficult to work out.

Jeez I thought there were salaries of millions involved here with all the drama above. FGS get a spreadsheet and work it out, there's not that much of a difference between the salaries.

I have an inkling you like to lord it over him though with your perceived lifestyle. If he were posting I'd be advising he move on fast and not get entwined.

By world's apart I thought he was on £15 and you £150k. Why would he think someone like you wouldn't be interested in someone like him??

There's some strange dynamics here.

On 40k you're dropping £1700 on a handbag?! You don't sound especially financially responsible yourself.

Well I know if he paid rent, he'd have £300 to live on (which includes fuel and food, clothes, etc). So like that travel card would have to come from those £300. So again, let's say he doesn't have to pay the £700 he needs to pay (all bills included) but I'm happy with £500 then it would seem fairer to me

I’m not sure if I’ve misunderstood this but, you’ve later said he’s on 20k so the above doesn’t make sense. 20k around 1400. So if he paid 700, he’d have 700 left over. Unless you meant if he lived on his own and paid rent, that’s what he’d be left with so ‘should’ be ok. It’s a bit confusing.

Can you post all your outgoings?

Even without the expensive dates and tastes etc, I can say it can be very easy to fritter money away and then ‘not know’ where it’s gone.

Me and OH have had months where we’ve blown almost a full salary, and had no idea how. Until we sat down and went through every inch of our statements. I’m still saving receipts so I can work out exactly what we spend on cat food, and other bits.

This is what you need to do(together, not as in you on your own). Ask him if you can both sit down and go through say 2 months of statements and see what’s happening.

I suspect he might be a bit embarrassed though, being the lower earner trying to ‘keep up’.

Wtf! You let him move in after just 8 months and from the sound of things without properly discussing financial and practical arrangements. How old are you both?

He absolutely IS a cocklodger! Get him goneHe saw you coming.

If the genders were reversed I'd be saying exactly the same! Adults pay their way in my world!

"No drugstore, no alcohol, no gambling" considering you're together only just a year it's COMPLETELY possible one or more of these is an issue!

"He had a niece and nephew that he sees as his own" are you CERTAIN they're not?

Why did he move out from living with his friend? - seems distinctly possible to me he was asked to leave for not paying his way. I'm guessing his idea to move in together?

"My exH had full control of my finances and it was HORRIBLE!" How long ago did you split?

DO NOT get a joint account with this irresponsible clown!

"And he moved in because it's silly not.ro.want to.spend all of your time with the person you love." Absolutely ridiculous! My 17 yr old dd has more sense! At 8 months everything is all still rosy, you BARELY knew him! You STILL barely know him! I'm guessing that overly romantic nonsense came from him?

"Why do people move in together without knowing each other?" Would be more accurate here shatner!

"He's agreed to other things like getting a joint mortgage, but the property would be in my name only (to secure my investment) and he was fine with that. Even though he would still be financially responsible. And we're moving soon to a joint tenancy agreement." Omg DO NOT DO ANY OF THIS!

"Some people are the architects of their own destruction." Yep!

"He's almost 40" Jesus! Definitely GET RID! I'd lay odds he's done similar before.

"On 40k you're dropping £1700 on a handbag?! You don't sound especially financially responsible" quite! Plus I'm wondering about the veracity of other info too.

And you've an 8 yr old dd mixed up in all this too?!

Last time we went out for brunch it was a £100 bill that he paid.

If you can blow £100 on brunch then I'm confused as to why the finances bother you at all... but maybe I'll understand if I ever reach that point.

Look, this is really simple.

1. How many cards does he have, total?

1. Get the monthly statement for each card.

1. Sit down at the kitchen table together and read the statements.

1. Total the incoming money.

1. Total the outgoing money. Neither of these things should be difficult because they should already be printed at the top of each statement, just add all the numbers from all the statements together.

1. Identify the areas of biggest expenditure. Is it petrol? Food? Alcohol? Cash withdrawals? How can you minimise any of these?

1. If the biggest debit is cash withdrawals, ask what he is spending the cash on. If he can't give you an answer, get him to spend a month completely cashless. Literally every business in the country has contactless or chip and pin now. There is no legitimate reason to carry cash apart from things like buying a paper for 50p.

1. All of the above should take a maximum of about 30 minutes of your time unless he has literally 6+ cards.

1. Based on what you both find out from the above, make a plan about what you're going to do next.

It's insane that a third of your combined income is just vanishing down some inexplicable black hole.

He’s playing you. Kick him out, certainly don’t marry him. Aim a bit higher for the next bf.

When you add up all my income it's closwr to 60k. I have about 3k a month of savings. Thus why I can buy a bag any month and not affect my economy, because I have still have covered everything. I know I can live on my inheritance and wouldn't need a job. But I love working, in fact I have to finish freelance assignmenr this morning.

Seanna

In other posts you have claimed to have already bought a house with your inheritance. Why don’t you live there? Plus why are you not more interested in protecting your capital for you daughter.

To have income of £3k per month for life from a capital sum would imply it’s in the region of £1m at least. Why would you not use part of this to buy a home outright or at least make it affordable without the contribution from somebody on £1k per month, that disappears for reasons unknown.

Otherwise it isn’t sensible to live off capital or to use it to subsidise an adult at the expense of your daughter. As any financial adviser would tell you or anyone of your naice middle class family.

What you are posting here and in other threads doesn’t make any sense as anything other than a long brag. At best you have a “just getting by” income and have had a £ windfall of some sort. Instead of using this wisely and in the interests of your daughter you are living it up as a self styled Chelsea Princess with your working class cocklodger.

Are you SERIOUSLY thinking of buying a house with this man? Are you insane?