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Original poster

DP is not contributing enough

154 replies

seanna · 04/10/2018 08:48

DP and I have been together for a year now. We moved in together 4 months ago. He's never paid his half in money but he did more or less pay his way. Last month he paid nothing. He's always struggling with money (I've seen his bank account) and he always promises he'll end up paying me. I think there have two times when he's promised and didn't deliver. He's promised he'll definitely transfer what he owes me today and from today onwards he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances. At almost 9, that money hasn't been transferred and sadly I think it will be another empty promise. I make twice as much as he does, and I'm not bothered about paying more, but he has to pay something. How would you approach the subject? I don't want to give him an ultimatum he's only really failed to contribute for a month. He does clean the house and does other stuff for me, so I don't see him as a cockholder but I simply don't know how to approach this.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/10/2018 10:33

If you've seen his bank account, where is his money going to?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 10:37

from today onwards he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances

Why would you want to live like this? He sounds more like a child than a partner.

LordNibbler · 04/10/2018 10:38

So how would he manage if you didn't live together?
How did he manage before you lived together?

user1492863869 · 04/10/2018 10:40

It’s hard to know we’re to start but really it’s not that complicated. You are two adults with 2 incomes sharing a home. Two basic approaches, depending on your individual tolerances of codependence.

One, you split the costs of living in the home 50:50. That is rent, utilities, council tax and food basics. Or, you contribute to the cost of living based on your individual incomes and relative affordability. The money comes out of your account on the day you are paid as a priority spend. As working adults you cover the cost of living as a priority spend. That’s life.

After that dinner out, treats and holidays should be in line with your individual affordability. If you can both afford it 50:50. If only you can afford you can gift it to him. That’s your decision. Otherwise you don’t do it because he can’t afford it.

Why on earth you didn’t agree this when you made the decision to live together I don’t know. It’s pretty basic. The fact that you didn’t I would telling that something isn’t right here

The current arrangement won’t work. It infantilises him and is causing you resentment. But if you want to continue this way then accept him as somebody who doesn’t pay his way and who is living off you. It will cost you in the long term emotionally and financially.

Musti · 04/10/2018 10:41

Wouldn't the obvious thing be to transfer his share as soon as he gets paid?

Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 10:42

I haven't seen a statement but I've seen it (repeatedly) empty. Before he moved in he lived with a friend.

OP posts:
buckingfrolicks · 04/10/2018 10:43

I don't see him as cockholder

great typo in the OP!

I think he thinks money isn't an issue as you have plenty.

buckingfrolicks · 04/10/2018 10:44

to clarify - that's a stupid thing to think. But he may be viewing the 'whole pot' of money as being fine, rather than thinking about the contribution TO the pot, which is what you're (rightly) focussing on

adaline · 04/10/2018 10:46

Don't you want more for yourself than a grown man with no grip on his finances?

Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 10:47

mystic what I wonder too. Bucking I noticed the typo and giggled. But I think you're more or less right.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/10/2018 10:55

he'll just give me his debit card and I'll control most of his finances
WOW - and you are only a year in!
You are not his mother.

Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 10:56

I much prefer doing that (managing his money) than having no idea what's up. My exH had full control of my finances and it was HORRIBLE!

OP posts:
user1492863869 · 04/10/2018 11:00

Btw, you have seen “a” bank balance. Whether this is his main account or not who knows. The issue isn’t whether there is nothing in one of his accounts at a point in time, it’s where his income is going to.

If he is just paying for the finer things in your life, going out and holidays in return for a bit of housekeeping, you might have a bargain. Plus he gets to look manly and generous in public and you look like you have a loving partner. Buts it sounds like a sham to me.

Paying your way starts with the basics. Being able to afford luxuries because you are living off somebody else is not paying your way. He has never paid his way. You haven’t asked and he hasn’t offered.

Is this what you want from a relationship just because you can afford it? What would happen if you lost your job?

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 11:01

Well because he did to start with, is the reason why I'm just waiting for something

Stop waiting. You made a mistake by moving in with him too soon, before you really knew what he's like. But now he is showing you: he's shit with money, he's irresponsible, he wants someone else to adult for him, he's perfectly happy to sponge rather than pay his way in life.

adaline · 04/10/2018 11:03

I much prefer doing that (managing his money) than having no idea what's up.

There is a middle ground, you know. Like being in a relationship with an adult who has a grip on his finances and is aware that bills need to be paid on X date so he needs to make sure he has Y in his bank to pay them.

I'll say it again, RAISE YOUR STANDARDS.

HuckfromScandal · 04/10/2018 11:05

You don't need this
You have moved from one type of abuse to another...
and both keeps you short of money.

he needs to move out, and then when and if he gets his shit together - maybe you can make a go of it.

Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 11:07

I'm pretty sure he knows that if I were to lose my job we'd be somewhat poor. In fact I went jobless for a few weeks but I had savings. He was aware I was very stressed about the future (money wise) and I think that was his wake up call. I've now told him this morning that I found a bank account that would give both of us accountability. I'm sure hello get the hint.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 11:11

I've now told him this morning that I found a bank account that would give both of us accountability. I'm sure hello get the hint.

SMH. I despair. You really should have done the Freedom Programme before starting to date again. You've gone from one shite relationship to another and haven't worked enough on your self-esteem to spot that. Hinting is not an adult way to live. He saw you stressed and didn't put his hand in his pocket. Get a clue. This guy's a cocklodger.

adaline · 04/10/2018 11:13

There's no helping some people.

Rednaxela · 04/10/2018 11:13

Why is he "struggling" though? It doesn't make any sense. After a year together you don't know why he has no money?

Gambling, debt, drug addict? What is the issue? Is he actually employed?

Original poster
seanna · 04/10/2018 11:16

He's FT employed on a low wage. Again, no addictions. Which makes everything so confusing.

OP posts:
eelbecomingforyou · 04/10/2018 11:22

He was aware I was very stressed about the future (money wise) and I think that was his wake up call. I've now told him this morning that I found a bank account that would give both of us accountability. I'm sure hello get the hint.

But you don't need accountability. FGS don't get a joint account with him! Why would you?

But he plainly hasn't got the hint if he's still not paying his way! Where did he live before he was lucky enough to meet you?

I think you moved in too soon. He's irresponsible with money and wants you to adult for him. How unattractive.

OP, I suggest you do the Freedom Programme so you can learn how to avoid this type of relationship in future.

adaline · 04/10/2018 11:24

He's FT employed on a low wage. Again, no addictions. Which makes everything so confusing.

I don't think it makes anything confusing. He's just incapable of managing his finances. Lots of people work full-time for low wages and manage to pay their bills and rent without help and "management" from another adult.

He's telling you he's incapable of managing his money. Why on earth would you saddle yourself to this man?

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 11:28

There's nothing confusing about an adult who can't and won't take fiscal responsibility for him or herself.

DDogMum · 04/10/2018 11:28

I reckon he's got a debt or overdraft still like other PPs are saying. Been there in my 20's and it was awful.... couldn't afford to put the heating on and remember writing my dissertation in a sleeping bag in a VERY cold house for weeks on end!
I used to save my last £5 on the electric for when new bf was coming round so I didn't look poor. But I was embarrassed. Very embarrassed.

I bet he'd appreciate you sitting down with him and working out a plan having given you total transparency into debts without judgement (which it sounds like you wouldn't judge).
Don't pay anything off for him, but come up with a plan. If he can't stick to it, then you've done all you can and consider moving on? Sounds like you have your life together and so at some point will want to buy a house etc, he's a few steps behind you, but personally, I'd give him one last chance to prove he can work at it xx